Dear Minnesota

Now that I'm home for the holidays I have come to a major realisation, Manhattan is fast.  Before I blinked I have been there for 2 months and it hardly feels like a week sometimes.  The last 6 months in general feel crazy fast.  After moving like what 4 times, I can tell that I am exhausted.  The truth is that after the crash I would have never survived Manhattan, the 5 months of recovery were so crucial for me to understand Manhattan by myself.  I am so happy I did my recovery in a little place called Minnesota.  

Even though Manhattan is a 3 hour flight away it sometimes feels like another world.  I am home were it is calm and easy and my mind is almost confused with the sudden change in scenery.  I never realised how fast I was running in New York.  Chasing after this thing that ding dong ditches me, as I run out the door into the streets of Manhattan trying to follow it.  I created it afterall its my own fault but in Minnesota I sorta mellow.  Feel less of need to run.

Manhattan is a wonderfully beautiful place that I am fortunate to say that I am conquering but my heart will always be in Minnesota.  Its so familiar and my heart is here because my wonderful family is here and that's so hard sometimes.   I hold baby Hartlee in my hands and wonder how I could ever say goodbye to this beautiful child.  My heart breaks but I know I need to be in Manhattan while I keep one foot on Minnesota soil.  Its the most grounding place on earth.  It slaps me back to my roots, its a nice reality check for me.  It doesn't matter where I go, who I meet, what I do there's a small town girl that will never change.  One that loves the town she was raised in, knowing where all the stop lights are.  All the back roads to get somewhere quicker, what every house looks like leading up to the home that raised me. Manhattan is so unfamiliar and constantly changing that it sometimes gets exhausting trying to keep up with it.  Sometimes we all need familiarity, some things never change.  Although Forest Lake is changing it will always be my home.  The real kinda home, not the home (or creative laboratory) I made in Manhattan but a place that gives me such a peaceful sleep, such a powerful sense of who I am, and when shit hits the fan I know Forest Lake will always be where I go to come back down to reality.

There is no more complicated feeling then to loss your sense of being grounded when in a unfamiliar new place.  It would be the scariest place on earth if I didn't keep something in Minnesota, lucky I placed my heart here.  I heart NYC but I heart Minnesota more.  Minnesota will always win because all my growing happened here. Manhattan will give me my dream and an experience that I will never forget but Minnesota will raise my children.    

Manhattan is a hard, crazy fast place filled with some real assholes that think they have everything (money) but I love when people know I'm not from there because it lights something within myself to say that I'm from some place so real and honest.  A place I call home, a beautiful little place called Minnesota and this makes Manhattan seem like a whimpering little shih tzu where its bark is far worse then it's bite.

The Honest Kinda Love..

When your feet touch a humbleness, when life throws you something unexpected it becomes such a beautiful thing.  Not when your in it sometimes you wonder what the point of it all is but then you wake up one day and realise that your feet touched humanity.  You have become grounded because life just doesn't give a f*&^ sometimes.  I love this moment.  You sluggishly recover and then become awaken to your real reality.  Something better then you ever thought happens.  You stand at a corner and can finally breath a sign of relief that its passed.  You can choose to live in it, rerun it or turn another page and start over.

You rekindle love affairs with yourself and nothing feels as good as it does when you can do it alone.  Your bed doesn't seem so empty and your relationships are full and vibrant again.  People stand with you through it and although you may have lows, they bring you back to your highs.  Life is full of splendid things but its up to you to choose to see them.  Smile, my dear smile.  You are out of it, you have recovered.  You finally get it, and you don't have to live in that mess anymore.

I woke up and finally don't feel him here anymore.  He's finally gone, I don't look for him anymore because I don't need him in the way I was convinced I needed him.  I used to feel him still by me, this is hard for me to explain because physically he is 3,000 miles away but when you have something real it doesn't end in the breakup.  It ends in the recovery.  I don't see his face anymore, and couldn't paint it even if I wanted to.  Its not there anymore.  This is a special time in the grieving process.  He is dead and I didn't bury his body until now.  This may seem morbid but it was equally as intense as it was real to me.  The shock wore off and now I had a ceremony to celebrate the loss that woke me up, finally.

No one will ever understand the pain and heartache of the last few months.  No one stayed up with me as I laid awake wondering how it all happened.  No one protected me, but me.  I would talk about it but never felt understood, they wanted to but no one could imagine the pain.  It was so specific to me.

I can say now that for me I didn't replace how I felt with someone else (so unfair) but I dealt with it head on.  I can say now 6 months later, that it is in fact over for me.  I am happy, I smile and I wouldn't take back a day of it.  I would go through the pain everyday of my life it meant I could just simply love someone with honesty and purity.  Only I know how rare that is.

To the people that honestly love, never let this go...Just try with someone else and see what happens.

Call A Spade a Spade

Call a spade a spade song released.  Lets just get some balls and be whom we say we are.  I heart this new track.

Check it out!

Dani

http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

Not 1 But 2 New Songs For Dani & The Mad Men

Not 1 but 2 freaken new tracks!! You lucky dog you.  One called Black Widow (even though I hate spiders) and another called Believer because I have many that believe and my music and for that I say thank you..

Hope you enjoy-

Now do yourself and favor and listen to some sweet tracks.. http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

-Dani

Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright...

Remember one thing, it always works out in whatever it is you do.  Regardless of the outcome it will either be what you expected or far exceed what you anticipated.  I say this because I can sometimes feel the heightened anxiety of those around me and all I want to do is make them see that everything will be just fine.  Taking risks, letting things get down to the wire, not getting what you want when its convenient for you is all a lesson of patience and having trust in your journey.  

When I first moved here, I didn't have much but overtime knew I would get more.  If I worried about how I was going to make it, I would have left the moment I arrived.  That worry would have eaten me alive and some days it scared me but then I let it go for there's nothing you can do in a weeks time in under a day.  You always have exactly what you need in the moment.  A roof over your head, food in your belly, and air to ingest.  Isn't this simple and perfect enough.  Always chase after and pursue what it is you need to but always keep the faith that when it's right it will happen.  Timing is neither for you or against you, it just is.  You can't change it or manipulate it, it will just happen.  Worry, regret and anxiety is lack of trust in what it is your doing.  It will run you, consume you and spit you out and move onto the next.  Why do you think you can control this?  You can't and that's OK.

Say what it is you think you need, and trust that it will happen.  Not in the moment happen but when it's right it will.  Doesn't that just eliminate any anxiety the moment it starts, or perhaps that only works for me.  This is coming from someone whom is always jumping into shit, but always ends up coming out clean.  Risks are what this life is about, the bigger the risk the bigger the reward or gap between getting it when you want it verse when it actually works out for you.  It's a process so stop snapping your fingers and demanding it.  It will all work out.  

Let me speak from experience, 6 months ago I was stripped of everything.  I had 2 suitcases and 20.00 dollars to my name and a broken heart.  I could have buried myself into the darkness of depression and despair if I gave one ounce of thought to what had happened to me.  But now I look at my life and see that my shit came together when it was supposed to.  It didn't happen overnight and I didn't rush it or mask it.  I now live in a lovely place in Manhattan, I am writing music everyday I sleep at night knowing that every little things gonna be alright.  

Don't believe me then listen to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LanCLS_hIo4 :-) 

2 New Songs Uploaded For Dani & The Mad Men™

Please visit http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller where 2 new fabulous tracks have been uploaded.  One called Outside Your Door which is a classic 1950's sound style and writing form.  The second song is called Shame which reminds me of Johny Cash, a modern twist on old country blues.

We have about 6 more songs to write before we hit the big stage in Manhattan.  Keep you posted and hope you enjoy the new tracks, there is so much more to come.

-Dani

3,000 Views Moment!!!

Although it may not seem like a big deal but today I say thank you for those of you that continuously read my blog.  A Window Opens hit 3,000 views today in multiple countries and I just want to express my gratitude for the support and the support to come.

This blog was originally created as an outlet for me while recovering from a hardship and it ended up turning into a beautiful place where I can express my music, thoughts and feelings about our current state of affairs.  I write because I love doing it not because I feel like I need to.  I write about things that inspire me, things that I love and also simple day to day observations.  My adventures, falling from grace, picking myself back up while always wearing a smile throughout.  You have experienced my very unusual situation while rekindling my love affair with music.  You have seen me fail while turning to my art to breath life into me again.  Its not from a bragging place or a place that's not sincere, I have great days and I have bad days..that's life.  Its not to convince you that my way is the best way, it's to inspire thought while chasing a stage I hold so closely to my soul.

It's been an open book for me to share with you how hard it is sometimes to be 26 creating something out of thin air while mending a broken heart.  It inspires me to read old articles of where I was to where I am now.

There's beauty in having your toes touch rock-bottom, evenually you will realise how precious that moment was for you gained humility in knowing that life is sometimes hard but you have the ability to bounce back when you choose to do so.

I say thank you, I get messages from you and you have no idea how awesome that feels to know that I have helped or inspired someone.   Lets make it 3,000 more...

-Dani

Sleepless in Manhattan

So no one sleeps here.  I have talked to countless people that just don't sleep, my roommate being one of them.  Its like there nocturnal state of a wondering mind, of too many thoughts that can't be shut off.  As I say its not like your going to loss those thoughts but rather shut them off so one can sleep.  Your beautiful spirit is like a computer, it needs to reboot.  I on the other hand don't know how to not sleep.  Although I probably stay up later then I should, my mind slowly drifts off and once my eyes shut its lights out for this girl.

I wonder what mind can't be tamed enough to allow this nature progression.  What could be so important that one would neglect such a beautiful state of recovery.  Your mind needs to be protected, needs to be turned off.  Is something so important that you can't deal with it in the morning when you've had time to recover.  It's not like these people are on crack but someone I met the other day said they haven't slept in 3 days.  How unfortunate and even more exhausting, then they start to worry about not sleeping creating even more anxiety about sleeping.  The sleepless cycle continues and so on and so forth.

Sleep is as important as air itself.  It's as important as the water you drink and the food you consume.  Your body creates a sleep debt and keeps tabs on your regeneration.  Why would you take this away?  Why would you assume that this shouldn't be a priority.  Do everything you can in one day and leave the rest to the next.  Do your best everyday, go easier on yourself and breath for the next day is a new one.  It's like all their days are running into one very long one.

People work very hard here, I will give them that.  This is such an ambitious quality very unique to New Yorkers but I don't admire one that works so hard that they neglect themselves.  It reads on their face how exhausted they have become and I wonder if they are truly happy running themselves on an empty tank.  Even when I go into my local watering hole you will see people having a drink and writing notes on the bar napkins.  They are constantly going, thinking, creating.  I love the ambition but do they ever really soulfully enjoy the train they are on.  Could they ever get off it, even if they wanted to?

DO a days work in a days time.
DO allow yourself time to relax.
DO believe that those thoughts won't go away.
DO sleep like a baby every time your head hits the pillow.

Don't be an idiot and think that you are superman and can go without sleep.

Barbara Walters Is a Fan Moment

Direct quote-

"This isn't your real job, so what is it that you do?" said Barbara Walters.

"No just a temporary thing, I'm a singer/songwriter starting a 1950's blues band" I reply.

"Keep up with it and good luck to you, maybe one day I will interview you" says Babs. 

(Dani smiles and shakes her hand and wants to jump up and down like a little girl).   Yet another moment locked in my memory as pretty fucking awesome.    

So I work with a lot of high profile individuals, while remaining unnamed the origins in which I work its pretty cool that I get to see some very amazing people.  Not that the fame is anything but that I admire their strength and stubbornness with their art whatever that may be.  Sometimes the secret while in transition is to always know that whatever you need to do to make money and support yourself is a temporary thing.  People notice this, the way you carry yourself always exuding grace and positivity.  People aren't dumb in fact they can read something in you or not.  I know I can, what about you?  

I got to meet someone very passionate about her art and maybe she saw "that something" that I hold with the up most protection in my heart.  She was kind and smiled and although I can only hope to have a fraction of her ability, she still rubbed off on me a little bit that day.  

I told her what I do without a flicker of nervousness or fear that she would shut me down, in fact she was the opposite of that.  Being scared or intimidated is your own weakness and is caused by lack of confidence and fear for what it is your creating.  You don't have time for this, in fact its something you yourself have manifested.  Quiet this now or it will forever hold you back.  In this life there is no time, jump without a net.  Fall in love like a fool and tell everyone what it is your trying to create this only makes it more clear.  Thats how I see things.

So maybe one day I will be on The View and I can tell Barbara how on that day I got a little more determined to conquer my dream.  I got a little more stubborn in figuring out this process and how on that day I knew I could hold myself alongside someone like Babs.          

Dani & The Mad Men™

2 Brand New Tracks for Dani & The Mad Men™

One dedicated to Etta James and the other original is a song called Home. 

http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

Oh and my first fully written original called Replaced all recorded with a fabulous guitar player!  Life is good..only 10 more to go and we got ourselves a Blues showcase!

For your listening pleasure, Stay tuned..

-Dani 

Mind Body & Soul, The Checking In Moment

Doing a checkup on yourself with a honest look.  Checking in since you work so hard sometimes without even acknowledging it.  How beautiful your body still works under stress and pressure.  Through heartache and pain sometimes you forget to say thank you for all its hard work.  You beat it up, hold it down, eat like shit and drink more then you should.  You tell lies, stay up too late and smoke too much but its still there.  Still on your side even through some destruction.  Its so resilient, quiet and calm as you sleep like a baby time after time.

Mind- Be careful of what you put in this space.  Watch your thoughts as a guardian would do.  You are what you think, you are what you believe.  Not being in control of your mind is just as destructive as being too in control.  Strike a balance with your thoughts, how you feel and how you choose to react.  Your not on auto-pilot.  Through meditation I have been taught this, probably why I stayed so sane after the destructiveness of my last breakup.  Breath and always fill your mind with gratitude and peace in knowing that all happens for a reason.  You are always taken care of, it always works out for you, if you believe this then you will always be taken care of.  You are what you believe and what you perceive as truth.  Regardless of what has happened, let it go and start fresh everyday while keeping those that genuinely love you close.  Nothing is too extreme for you to handle, always be aware of how you view the things in your life.  If you have a pulse, you are doing just fine.  Be thankful for the small basic things while working on the bigger issues. Check in with yourself.

Body- What you feed it, what you put into it will reflect itself on the outside.  Too much drinking, not enough water and eating shit for food reflects on your face and how youthful you feel.  Make choices (and some bad ones from time to time) always keeping in mind that this is for energy not for pleasure (well sometimes pleasure).  I live in NYC where the choices are endless but for me grabbing my knife and cutting through fresh produce makes me feel more fulfilled then eating the most expensive meal.  Be careful of how you feel after you consume something this will tell you how your body digests it's nourishment.  Watch your choices and if its not real in perception then why would you put something fake into a body that needs you.  You can change that now each day offers you a chance to renew it that's the beauty in this whole thing.  Just check in with yourself.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Soul- This is my most favorite element, not to play favorites but this side of you takes more time.  The mind and body can be switched on and changed just by bringing awareness to change.  The soul is much more complex.  Imagine a blank slate over the years it gets written on and its your only truth of what makes you well you.  Some cultures believe that your eyes are the gateway to your soul, having children in my life makes me a believer of this.  You can't bottle the way a child looks at things.  I wrote about this before but if and when someone is stripped of everything they will not have the money they made in this life or their surroundings.  They won't have anything physical all they will have is themselves whichever qualities that may be.  Its not set in stone whom your meant to be, you can always be more honest, more real and more grateful.  Whatever you want to be can be worked on here.   The "bigger picture qualities" live here.  Cutting out all the bullshit, how you were built has a home here.  This center of yourself doesn't know how to lie, only your mind does.  Your mind can make up many things to kill the blow of the truth.  Just check in with yourself.

It's not so much too ask that from time to time you ask yourself where you are.  It's a progression and nothing that should cause any anxiety for you.  I just think its important to look with an honest eye after  what you have been though if you have stayed on course or have gotten off a little bit either way it can always be fixed.  If any of this seems like work, then you haven't done it in awhile so now is the time.  Just check in with yourself.

First Track of Dani & The Mad Men™ Recorded

Oh dear god I am like a kid in a candy store!! This is my baby, I could not be more excited to be working with Nicholas Lancaster.  We are breathing life into this project and this is the first track recorded with a guitar in under 3 takes. I am so proud.  

http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

WHHHHOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

-Dani-

You Will One Day Stand Naked

I wonder sometimes where the respect has gone in our society, if it was ever here to begin with.  This class system we live in gives some a certain arrogant level of entitlement especially in New York.  You don't know me, I haven't given my shoes for you to walk in.  Some days I just loss faith in people.  I see the good, the bad and the ugly and let me tell you Manhattan has more ugly sometimes.  I sometimes wonder who people think they are and how shitty they must sleep at night.  Its like we don't even work together anymore, its like we are all for ourselves.  What a life I tell you.  Its like a see people yelling at each other on the streets and I was treated like complete shit today and I just wonder what the point of it all is.  Does it really make you feel better?  Does it make things easier being a complete dick?  Being so mad that you carry it on your shoulder as a constant reminder of your own pain, a pain no one feels but you.  Being so arrogant to others feelings that you never truly feel understood.  I wonder sometimes where the respect has gone.  Fellow friend and people I brush by, peoples faces you encounter that you'll never truly meet and never truly know when its all said and done whats the point of not being kindhearted. 

I'm not trying to get all peacemaker tree hugger on your ass but I mean honestly look around you.  I wonder where the respect has gone.  I see on a rare occasion the man who opens the door for someone else or the person that helps a little old lady cross the street.  Imagine what a world we would live in if everyday we got out of our ego and helped someone without expecting something in return.  How beautiful this world would be if we didn't get worked up over stupid shit, if we had more patience with others and if everyday we practiced kindness from a genuine source.  Its true that what goes around comes around, wouldn't it be beautiful to see what you would get in return.   

I get so tired of seeing the ugly around me, I want everyone to be beautiful.  To feel what its like to sleep knowing that you practice kindness.  When you strip away money, clothes and jewelry you will one day stand naked.  Exposed.  You will be nothing more then whom you say you are and nothing more then the way you treated others.  The lack of the materialistic will shed a naked soul.  A soul that people can read because the distractions will be gone.  What will you have?  Your experiences, the people that touched your life but always keep in mind what others would say.  When naked, what will they remember?  What has been imprinted from you to their memory?  For however brief or long, what would they say verse what you would want them to say?  

You touch lives in every way for however brief and one day you will stand naked lets hope its not written in tattoos how rotten you might have been...

To Marry An Irish Man Moment

So my roommate is from Ireland, it doesn't get more Irish then her.  Which is to say we are very much kindred spirits and when it comes to her overall disposition about life she couldn't get more realistically honest.  She understands where I am in life, even though in cumulative age she's wiser.  She was once me trying to create something here in Manhattan she was 28 and I am 26, but still understands my frustration on some days but she also gets that I have the same thing in me that was once in her, still is in her.   She's wildly creative, honestly passionate and by default trusting and honest to the ends of the earth.  Irish people are this way, they very much are whom they say they are although reserved once cracked they would do anything for you.   

I just love Irish people, when saying that it is so important that you are whom you say you are the Irish just know how to do it.  Now I know I'm generalizing here but this weekend I sat with 6 Irish men, all from different parts of Ireland.  Yeah the odds were in my favor.  Instantly you can feel the warmth of these people, you can see it in their eyes and too often with American boys I feel like I have something to prove.  With them I sensed their family as being the center, which says a lot about who you are.  There is nothing more important to them and that grounds and centers them in my eyes.  Doesn't that just make sense?   When it comes to family nothing brings you back to yourself then them, they have known you the longest after all.  Not knowing someones family is like knowing a shell of a person you see the outside but will never really get to the inside. 

There is no more chivalrous man then an Irish man, ok so maybe not all but overall they take care of their woman and not in a materialistic kind of way but in a genuine protective means.  You feel that they wouldn't purposely try to go behind your back, cheat you or try to be a dick.  I sat with all of them and my roommate and I laughed, drank and realized then that I will marry an Irish Man.  Not any of the ones I met that night but in general the qualities shown to me were so refreshing and honest.  No bullshit, no lies, no distrust, NO EGO, just honest, real and solid.  A rock of a man, I miss this quality and have been fooled by men thinking they have this quality.  I don't want scared, shell of a person kind of guy living in a delusional world.  I want someone with the family structure I come from (which is rare) the Irish get this.  

So perhaps the moral of this story is that in the end I will end up with an Irish man.  For his genuine qualities, qualities that you can not fake.  Qualities that at first impression you just sense.  After being lied to, cheated on and with someone whom was a good actor..it was refreshing to be around 6 Irish men, the real deal if you ask me.  

Music Clips Continued

One take, all truth..

http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller, track 13.

-Dani-

If Something Seems Too Good To Be True, It Probably Is..

The biggest lesson I have learned is that when something seems to good to be true, it probably is.  This is not to say that one should live or love with caution but to be aware.  When things move faster then they should, its probably for a hidden agenda.  This is ok, this is part of the learning process. So often as humans we roll through life on auto-pilot, continuing on with the motions never really giving any time to process.   Someone once told me, if you are living for your perceived future and dwelling in the past, when are you actually here?  Its a very interesting time, the time in which you live in the moment, a moment you will never have again.

Timing also has something to do with it.  Timing works with you, goes against you but the best part about it is that you can always change it.  Take it on, try harder and be better.  Life throws you curve balls, to remind you of your pulse to show you that your blood is still alive, still moving.  There is no reason to rush it, to live in pretend, life doesn't care about what you perceive as your own lies or rather your own truth.  It resurfaces you always trying to bring you back to the true reality.  It makes you smarter and more aware, take this on as a time for your personal journey.  Live in slight caution but always take risks, understand the risks and change and adapt to them.

I don't care about the crazy of others, eventually you learn to close the door behind you and continue on.  Always keep your head up and realise whom you want in your life verse those that are too unaware and hurtful.  It has nothing to do with you, its part of your beautiful journey.  Another quote I always hear is that everything happens for a reason.  Its so simple and true and that's a small part of the meaning of life.

So jump, be slightly careless and always give gratitude to all the bad that happens because there is beauty in being resilient and learning from mistakes whether or not they are yours or from someone else.  This is also a part of true happiness, something only you can find for yourself.    

The Creative Process Is Like a Plant..

My interviewing process consists of sitting across from someone that I admire musically.  Most people in this world are connectors for me and also for you.  Not that it is wise to use people but to use them as connectors is the fundamental idea of networking.  You get within an industry that exists, that you want to break into.  You can't be shy, you have to be trusting to this process unfortunately people are only as good as their face value.  Most people think their face value is actually better then it will turn out to be.   Everyone'sidea of themselves is bias because of course we don't say the bad and the ugly we say the hopeful and polished truth.  A truth that one can only communicate not that they can show me a record of all the times that they helped an old lady cross the street or held the door open for a woman.  They can't show me the common decency that I can only hope we all have.  No, this is unrealistic and part of the frustration.

You must always give credit to the ones that paved the way, any way for the next.  When you have a vision and hold it with promise and faith that to you its real, this is all that's needed.  Then the people almost get attracted to you because now you are aware enough to look for it, seek it out.  You get signs all around you, signs you may have never noticed before.  Its a beautiful process, not always easy but part of the journey.  You take it in stride, turn to the ones that love and support you and continue on.  I love the interviews because they open another realm of this process that I may not have understood/noticed before.  Its one giant brainstorm, this is essential to the creative process .  The creativeness is like a plant, you water it and thrives you neglect it and it dies.  You nurture it and give it what it needs, take the needs a way and you have no plant.  It dies, you replant it.  It grows vines and you find a wall for the leaves to cling to.  Any good idea needs people, every great idea needs nurturing.  Its within this process that most give up, doubt sets in.  Fear, anxiety, lack of confidence and a shyness to your surroundings happens here.  Its those that prevail that make it to the next step.  This is where one becomes stubborn, solid within the doubt only creating more strength.  Watch anyone with an idea fail here, when little did they know that this was just the beginning.  A test, a test to see if they really do want it.  Prevail and see what happens.  In everything you do realise that the bad comes with good, the indecent comes with the decent and that beauty comes with the ugly..otherwise how would we know the difference.  We have to understand both side of the coin, the contrast.  This is life.  Then you decide what to do with it.  Grow it or kill it, become it or run from it..breath life into it or watch it die in front of you.

When I get to sit with very talented musicians, I come with open admiring eyes.  In the moment I am not less to them, in that moment they haven't created more then I.  When you come with a pure good intent to learn, who would not want to teach?  NYC may be competitive but not when you have created something organically your own then its on a creative level.  This should be shared.  So I can't assume that everyone is whom they say they are but I am believer that I will know the difference.

The 42 Clinton Street Moment

I stood outside in the cold by myself.  The 42 was still painted on a piece of cardboard, the entrance was still missing a door.  I stood there, and couldn't really move.  I saw the window, I saw myself on the fire-escape.  I was there, at one time I was there and I wasn't alone.  My hands touched the marble entrance and all I did was stand there.  I remember everything within that tiny place and I don't know why I didn't really feel anything.  It kind of felt like a dream, something that was so real but at the same time wasn't.  I looked up at it, walked passed it then came back and a part of me actually wanted to ring the buzzer.  I wanted to put my keys in the door, turn the key and see him there.  I wanted to check the mail and walkup to the rooftop where I used to write music.  I wanted to come in and see the garbage waiting by the door, the high ceilings, the gray couch, the oversized bed just so I could say that it was one big fucking nightmare.  But all I did was just stand there, unmoved.  I didn't really feel alone or mad.  I was sad, really sad not sad enough to cry but still just sad. 

I was at the old apartment.  The scene of the crime, the calm before our storm.  It's not to say I would change anything but its weird what you can and can't face.  This was a tough one to look at, I guess thats part of the recovery.  I guess thats something I took with me without even knowing it.  Its weird what memories one decides to store I wish more of them were worst, but what I took as memories weren't all that bad.  Within those tiny walls, it wasn't a train-wreck sure things weren't always ideal but within that space they were okay.  This was the last time we were okay and then all the sudden we weren't.  

I often walk past it and every time stop out front, does a part of me still think I live there?  Maybe theres a part of me still there.  A part of me that never wanted to leave, a part of a girl that just believed in something that wasn't there.  Its weird, I have no answer for it I guess its just part of things.  I still walk past it and stop even though it never was my place and isn't my place now.  So a part of me still wonders, why stop?  

The Finding Of Another Womans Shirt Moment

So I often get asked where the vision for this project came from.  It didn't just come out of the blue for me, it was the recovery process from being with someone entirely crazy and egotistical.  Lets just say I didn't know him very well, we moved very fast and now I can see why.

Lets backtrack shall we.  We met in Minnesota and within 5 months found out that his job was transferring him to NYC, we said yes.  Then 2 months into NYC, he gets an offer in London and we move within 5 months of hardly being in NYC.  He moves out May.15 and I move back to Minnesota for the next month awaiting my departure.  On June.25th I fly to London and he is a completely different person.  2 days into London I find a woman's shirt, white, size medium in a European brand ummm and one minor detail its NOT MINE. He denies it.  Couple days later I go through his phone (which I would never do but had probable cause) find naked pictures of a woman oh one major problem they WEREN'T OF ME.  And text messages saying that he's met another girl (also not me).  He again denies it. On July.5th and within 4 hours of finding out everything I'm on a flight back to Minnesota (first class baby) within a week I find out that he's joined a dating service in London while trying to work things out with me.  We shared a bank account, that's how I found out.  I tell him to not speak to me for 6 months, he begs me to give him a month and I stupidly give in.  A MONTH into not talking I find out that he already has a girlfriend in London via newspaper articles that he sent me due to the London riots.  Talk about an ouch moment, that was so much fun for me.  This is when I began to understand who he really was for the very first time.

True colors will always be shown, luckily I only wasted a year. And now its the other woman's problem, if only I could sit down and have a conversation with her, I would save her a lot of confusion regardless of how "honest" their relationship seems.  This wasn't normal on any level, till this day it's wildly upsetting to those around me and some days I can't even think about it or it will make me sick.  He wasn't right, still isn't right and his history with woman is something no one would desire, although he will always claim to be the victim.  He was a great actor though, the best I will give him that but you can't hide your inner struggle forever.  If anyone says they love you after 2 months, take it from me its a red flag.

So when I talk about this project and moving home and all the recovery perhaps sometimes my stories could seem a little broken at times.  You didn't get all of the details because at first I was protective with it but now I say fu&* it.  Its fueled such a beautiful creative process for me.  Its not to get sympathy and its not to say that I want to be singer just because.  The music is fueled by such an intense experience some of which we all share in.  It was crazy and it was someone world that shit on me and that's ok.  Through this process I found what truly matters to me.  All the lies and bullshit were only meant to bring to me to this place.  I don't just sing songs to sing them, I sing them because they are real for me.  Its from a deep place that I never got to express.  That expression has lead to me writing profound words and even captured the vision I protect today.  I did nothing wrong and although I am still civil I still found a woman's shirt that wasn't mine.  And that's where Dani & The Mad Men™ comes from, not a shallow place but a place that it real and realness in this world is hard to find.

Hustle to Save Your A$$

Um let me tell you a little something something.  New York ain't easy, you gotta hustle your a$$ off if you even think about staying here.  You follow leads which are usually dead, you follow opportunity that's always there but sometimes I walk back into the neighborhood that made me fall in love with NYC to begin with and feel like I got my ass handed to me.  There's a lot of running around, navigating that happens.  The energy is completely intoxicating, it makes you run.  The hustle is pretty epic to watch, the hustle is in every fast paced person.  You got to stop within the madness and hold yourself for a minute.  It could take you, dispose of you make you feel a tad lost.  I'm aware of the beauty within it but also understand the nature of the beast.  I watch people run, briskly walk and I wonder where there going and what they are chasing.  We are all chasing after something here, that's what I like to watch but now being one of "them" I wonder when and if it will ever run dry.  What does dry mean anyways?  To slow down, stop finally be content with what you've found.  Yikes!  Well I'm far from that being in the thick of it all.

Patience.  I think patience is a good word for the beginning paragraph.  Lets sit with that for a moment.  Why hustle so hard when you know you have gold in your pocket.  I know it's there so whats the point of feeling like it will run out.  I was told from someone VERY wise "your musical journey is a process, it doesn't happen overnight, do everything you can in one day not a weeks worth in one day."  Patience.  Lets have it if even for a moment.  Have it for the slow ass paying for their gas at Holiday in pennies.  Have it for the old lady bagging her own groceries.  Have it for the children running in the streets blocking your way.  Have it for whatever process you are trying to create.

New york has a funny way of making me run but why?  I got everything I need, New York you can start coming to me.  I'm in high heels mind you and a lady never runs in tricky heels because there is no shortage here.  The process is underway so screw that I'm going to hustle each day and no more then that.  So New York I love you but back-off and let me do my thing.


Love-

A girl wearing a vintage dress and high heels.

The Lincoln Center Moment

I got a private tour of the Lincoln Center.  Walking the hallways, the behind the scenes that the many greats have walked.  I was there.  Like really there, my soul was shining.  I was taken.  I walked with a legend of sorts and he will remain unnamed.  This doesn't happen to most and for that I am thankful.  I touched the gray walls as if I had been there before but in reality I will never see the Lincoln center the way I did tonight.  I was a kid in a candy store.

I also found a music mentor tonight, one willing to open a few closed doors for me.  He has offered a window for me to sneak through.  This is not messing around, this is pretty major.  For that I give a kind smile to someone that sees something in me.  For however brief we crossed paths for reason I may not understand for right now.  I trust this, these things I trust.  He has taken me under his wing, he will never know how in this moment he has changed me.  This isn't small time anymore.  I weaved through the halls completely comforted by talent all around me.  I can do this, I am this.  I may be a little girl with a dream but this dream has taken me to some great places within the last 7 days.  Something rapid is happening around me and it just keeps getting better and the people around me are something of greatness.

I saw beautiful stages tonight, my imagination keeps growing.  I want these venues.  I want to create within these walls.  This moment has changed my thinking to go even greater, to strive even further.  I have someone willing to expose me to some pretty epic things.  We are friends, kindred spirits with the same love although his is a tad more matured.  I got to see Lincoln Center in a way most won't be able to. I got an in and let me remind you that when a door closes a window opens and I am living proof of a statement I said months ago when I had nothing when I had lost a lot.

I express gratitude.  I say thank you and I believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  As I was leaving the lead singer stopped and said I am now going to sing some blues.  I paused and acknowleged this sign.  She sang and my heart pounded for her, I knew in that moment I was on the right path.  I had figured out my journey and now my imagination is endless.  I had found endlessness again, the world is my oyster and will only be limited by what I haven't imagined yet.  Now I know to shoot bigger.

A Lesson

I think it's pretty beautiful,  I find myself walking familiar streets of a place I know now by memory.  New York is so easy to get lost in but so incredibly easy to find exactly where you need to be.  I am in Manhattan, and my soul is finally smiling again.  Before I would wear a smile but my heart wasn't happy. Now I feel both come full circle.  Creating a creative place was my first mission.  I needed my space to be beautiful so that my ideas would grow and mature.  I needed a work center that would promote the brainstorm.  I needed a place that would be safe, where I could shut the madness off.  I needed walls to paint with image boards, I needed my space to be dedicated.  A constant reminder of my desire, my passion.

You must remember that on July.5th I had moved back to Minnesota with only 2 suitcases, no job and no money.  I was brokenhearted and beat up.  I recovered for the next 3 weeks with the help of loved ones.  I found a beautiful center within myself again and started creating.  I fought to keep my head above water to not be swallowed by the sheer pain of it all.  My breaking moment happened one month after I left London and found out that he was already with someone else.  That's when I saw the situation very clear, a little too clear.  I finally understood that it wasn't me.  Woman have a rare ability to beat themselves up, rerun the details and I'm not sure why we do that.  I learned in that moment that there is no point in doing so, there is no point because it doesn't change anything.  If you are rerunning a situation let me tell you one thing, IT WILL STOP YOU FROM CREATING/REINVENTING YOURSELF.  You are stuck in the past which means your not living in the moment (which is all you have).  Let it go, don't carry it with you there is no space for it.  From my experience there was no greater lesson.  When I look at the storm I am entirely grateful for the rain.  For when theres a storm eventually there will be a clearing for the sun.  You must always go through it and respect the process.  We all got something but only you control how it effects you and how you will treat others in return.  

Months later I am singing on a stage in Manhattan and as I watch the storm clear all I see is the sun. I made it without becomeing a stone heart.  Whatever it may be or whomever has done a shitty thing please let it go.  Start now with a new outlook, don't let it take up anymore space protect this side of yourself.  

Less Then 1 Week & I Sang In Manhattan!!!!!

Let me share something pretty fu&*ing cool with you.  About 2 months ago I envisioned a stage (remember I wrote about it, http://whereadoorcloses.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-stage.html) while walking home from dinner with friends I stopped at a new jazz/blues club that opened up right across the street from me (weird huh?).  I walked in and my heart almost stopped.  From the red of the curtain to the position of the musicians, I had seen this before I actually physically "seen" it, if that makes sense.  I actually drew a sketch months ago in Minnesota of this exact moment.

As I walked into a very crowded bar a very kind gentleman gave his seat up for me.  Little did I know that I had sat right next to the singer of the group that was playing that night.  We start talking, I pitch the Dani & The Mad Men vision (because I TELL EVERYONE & THEIR MOM ABOUT IT) and he says "well you think you got what it takes so lets put you on stage and see what you got."
My reaction was sh&% IJ YHJKD^%&^$ G&*& DGSJ^*W()W*E HDKS&RWIUIO!!!!!!! Im about to sing on a stage in Manhattan, holy shit this is cool.  This is my moment.

I got up on stage with not an ounce of nervousness, I went up there feeling like I was home.  A home I have missed for so long, a home I gave up on at one point.  A stage I learned how to love again.  I stood and did impromptu jazz/blues and to be honest I don't remember what I sang but whatever it was it lead the crowd to ask for 2 more songs for me to sing.  It's within this moment I give gratitude.  It reaffirmed all that I have been doing behind the scenes with music, and that I am in fact NOT going bad shit crazy.   I have been here less then a week and was just busting to get that microphone and I got much more then that.  I got the stage I saw months ago and now a network of musicians within my neighborhood wanting to work with me.

I share this moment because I am a firm believer that if you go somewhere in mind first, you will go there in body second.  To the first of many stages, to my many homes.

The Progression

When navigating though a vision its funny the many directions it takes.  When I look at the space I created within a small little room in the massiveness of Manhattan I sometimes wonder if its real.  When you create something, sometimes you feel as if your the only one that believes it.  Maybe that's all it takes, perhaps that's all that's needed.  When I see the vision boards pill up and my ideas run wild in my book, I wonder when life will be breathed into it.  The progression of Dani & The Mad Men is unfolding in front of your eyes, I want to remember this hustle.  I want to remember the ups and the downs, the endless phone calls I make.  The leads I follow with a dead end, the leads I follow with a detour.  I sometimes want to scream, then I want to jump for joy.  Isn't this life?  I love that I can share this with you as most people with a vision give up.  I'm not that person.  You will hear me scream, I will be honest enough to tell you of my frustrations and the moments of complete gratitude.

When navigating through a vision there is no set way.  There isn't a path and dear god I wish sometimes there was a map.  I was told by a very well known Jazz musician that has been kind enough to take me under her wing, "be ready for the ride girl, there's going to be a lot more downs then ups and it all depends on how bad you want this."  That's with anything you do, that's with anything you protect within the walls of your mind.  This started for me 4 months ago and I can't give up on it however frustrating it seems at times.  The flood gates have been opened and I can't shut it off because I don't know how.  I am like a bear protecting her cub and I want you to say that I can't do (in fact no one has) perhaps that's an inner battle you fight when creating something out of thin air.

The love for Dani & The Mad Men is unconditional, I know it's going to take hustle and I know I'm going to have to break down some walls.  I want to remember this to perhaps give some faith to someone else that's creating something.  It's ups and downs but when I lay my head down at night and see myself in the final product I know then that its real.  Real and passionate to me, honest to myself, successful to the only person I answer to.  Its not a dream then I would only be a dreamer, it's not just a vision then only I could see it.  It's me, it's my arm and it's with me all the time.

As of right now.  The progression is that I have connected with professional fulltime musicians who are helping me, THANK YOU.  Without using names you would know who they are, I am utilizing them as a resource and the audition process starts tomorrow.

I want to remember this moment.  So that you and I know that its not just a dream, its a progression.  To my progression, theres no turning back.  I am thankful for my connections they didn't have to take me under their wing for that I am thankful.

 

Hello Dani & The Mad Men™

Lets not forget the real reason I came to Manhattan, I got some hell to raise...

http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

The hustle has begun.. 

The Mini Storage Moment..

I am in love.  This new direction has been rough, lots of ups and downs but then I find myself landed.  Taken, I surrendered and found myself back in a place I never wanted to leave.  Opening up boxes of a chapter that has been closed, finding my grandmothers old baking recipes and my old cookbooks makes me feel like I survived.  The storm has passed, it was the final step.

Opening up the door to the mini storage was like opening up a vault to my former life.  I found a box.  Tore the tape off and found myself in the cardboard.  I cried.  I cried a lot which is unusual.  Not having my things for 6 months made me turn inward, rebuild myself.  Taking my things completed my puzzle.

 I separated 2 very different lives yesterday.  One connected to beautiful cookbooks, amazing family photos and a knife set.  One deeply in love with the children in her life, one that keeps all her old music books and one that needs nothing more then her collected coffee mugs.  I found everything I wanted in a mist of a strangers things.

It was a beautifully symbolic day and I did it with a dear friend.  My gratitude for his help can not be expressed.  He put his hand on my back and said take as much time as you need.  The warmth of his character, his willingness to help me is completely overwhelming.  Little did he know he was doing something much bigger then helping a friend move, he was helping me get my life back.  I couldn't have been in better hands.  I may not have been able to do this all by myself.

 The memories that were so deeply locked away came back, and I cried for now it finally feels over.  Which isn't to say that it is bad but it's to say that I survived it.  Admitting strength is hard for all of us to do.  I didn't yell, I didn't cheat, I didn't hate my way through this.  I didn't become untrusting, regretful, guarded, or scared.  I didn't try to get back at someone or get into a relationship out of hurt.  I didn't bash anyone, I just didn't.  I kept walking hard as that was sometimes that's how I know it was love on my part. Because love is kind, love isn't malicious or mean.  Love cannot be that way if its true.  That's why I can say that I loved and although I lost..I will love again and win.

This is part 2 of my jouney.  The hopeful section.  The storm has passed, and thats beautiful thing.

Saying Goodbye.

Its never easy, in fact its the hardest part.  Although its not tears of sadness or regret.  Its not from a bad place or some place insincere.  Its real and raw, honest and true.  The goodbyes pill up alongside the fall leaves.  Each one a little harder, each one still significant.

I know what I'm leaving, I know my journey that I am on.  I never lost sight of it just momentarily pushed on pause.  When things get tough, I know I have you.  When things were bad, you were there.  I'm ready just not ready to say goodbye to all the many familiar faces.  This is what I dislike the most.  You would think it would get easier but it doesn't.  Its a wonderfully amazing foundation but damn it's hard to be apart.  It's never easy not seeing you.  Your face looks so real in memory I can practically touch it.  That's how I can say goodbye, or rather see you soon.

Its time for this caged bird to fly.  Its an amazing journey, scary as it may be to those around me its my path.  You may not understand why it needs to happen but for me its the only way I see.  I have a dream bigger then myself sometimes.  I opened a can of worms, I fought some inner stuff but I'm okay.  My dream is unfolding and if I don't jump now, I may never.  If I don't follow it I may lose it which can't be possible in my eyes.

 New York will be kind to me.  It took me the first time and I never wanted to leave it, I never wanted to let it go.  Its days away, the hardest is what Im in right now.  The days leading up to it are supposed to be great but to me they are sad.  Sad in a good way.  Sad because I won't be able to hug you. Sad because I won't be able to have a glass of wine next to you.  Sad because your memories are my memories.  I will always be there but the physical me can't walk with you.  That's a hard part for me.  When New York is cruel I will have your voice, I will have the comfort of knowing that you are there.

I dont say goodbye, I say see you soon.

We Are Glue..

Are you a person that sticks to those around you?  Do you hold relationships, grow them, work through them or leave them?  Are they disposable? Replaceable?  Real/Fake? Honest/Dishonest? Capable of greater things/dead before they have a chance to blossom?  

I remember leaving that day in London.  Usually I stick to those around me, work through the hard times. When I remember looking into the back window at a face so familiar to me, I sometimes wonder how I could have given up so easily.  Now trust me there were many things wrong, a trust broken a bond running thin but thats where I strive.  We all have breaking points.  Being in a foreign country and losing the grip of a friends hands, I ran.  Within 4 hours, he booked a flight.  There was no fight for anything.  He opened the door to the taxi and practically pushed me into it.  We both gave up that day.  I only share this not to change it but to say that even the strongest of a perceived bond can break.  I broke it, he broke it and at the end of it we lost a lot.  

The major lessons through this journey is I unhealthfully absorbed most of "his" stuff because the woman in my family tend to do that.  When in a relationship allow me to remind you that in order to be healthy you both need to be active participants in your OWN personal journey.  Your own goals, ambitions, your own drive, your own money and your own dream.  Never for a second absorb the other entirely, compliment and be a bonus to each other but never become each other.  The lessons I take away from this have been the most valuable to me and my personal journey.  Just needed to sum that up, out-loud.

Although I wouldn't change it, it's funny when you one day can wake up and observe it for what it really is.  The value of relationships/friendships and family are sometimes tricky but the most important undertaking .  They sway like a willow tree at the first sign of a breeze.  They are tested, broken and the true character of those around you will always be shown over time.  You stand by people, lighten the load for the ones you love but through it all who do you stand next to?  When things get tough, who do you call on?  More importantly who actually knows you?  

Saying goodbye was the hardest part during this journey, I was never good at it.  I still suck at it. although I don't cry very often theres something about that final moment that makes me momentary break a little.  You are either a surface person or a depth person, or somewhere in-between.  WE are glue, we are airplane glue at that..something just sticks and its forever hard to let go.  Tis a lonely world if we weren't this way.  

Music Clips!

http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

More sound clips available for the new 1950's sound for Dani & The Mad Men™

-Dani-

The Train

Imagine a train.  On a track, running.  Speeding fast around corners, creating gusts of air as it passes steadily with such direction.  The graffiti on either side isn't legible.   The steam is bellowing, the sound of metal and weight is piecing.  It makes a perfect howl while pushing steadily ahead, who knows where its going but it just is.  Even if it gets off track it is neither good or bad.  

Its symbolic of the track we are all on, neither good neither bad.  We are this train following some direction which is neither yours to judge or yours to perceive as anything but beautiful.  Its a direction that is meant for that person.  We all get off track, we all speed too fast sometimes but we are still going.  Still here, following what is best for each of us.  Along the way there maybe certain stops, certain judgement calls that is perfect for that persons journey.  Why is up to them, how is only theirs.  We can not direct their train, they are the conductor.  When I look at the trains passing me by or coming up behind me I am quick to say that although we may not carry the same freight we are blessed to be moving.  Where I used to categorize good and bad, I don't anymore because it's not mine.  

Input is not important anymore.  Judgement is a waste of time.  Be the train that is moving, evolving and creating its own direction.  Be careful of getting off track and come back to your rout in times of doubt or fear.  A train moves on a track laid out in front of itself, trust that it is perfect for you.  Neither good, neither bad..just is.   Be less concerned at how some can fix their tracks, or how you would do something differently you don't know anyone but yourself.

Where I once was so confused at how someone could collide in a destructive force into my train, I don't care anymore.  It all has some purpose although that answer may not be revealed to you right away.  Keep on in your direction have faith in the tracks that lay ahead and never for a moment fear that it will run into soil.  It is a journey and although some may have seen me get off track, my train continued to move and eventually got right back up to speed.  

You have a choice to keep on, slow down or stay off track either way it is perfect for your jouney in that moment.  It is unique to you and that is a beautiful thing.  

**The New Direction of Music**

I was driving in my car and heard something very interesting, Flo Rida did a remix featuring Etta James.  Now the last few month of research has brought me to Ms. Etta, Ray Charles, Muddy Waters and some of the artists featured on this here blog.  You might not think that this is a big deal but to me it's pretty epic considering that there is not only a change within the industry right now but the tide is pulling towards simpler times.  T.V is also picking up on the switch with shows like Mad Men (sound familiar) and PANAM.  History repeats itself and although technology is always changing and evolving, society stays the same.

There's a love for this era right now which makes me feel less crazy as this era has become my obsession. My new favorite thing, with a fresh real twist.  I heard that song and although I'm not the biggest Flo Rida fan, smiled.  You get weird signs like that in life.  Like a pat on the back saying your not the only one, others are doing their part to bring back the BIG comeback.

The research is endless.  Movies, media, songs, artists, print, my grandfathers house is like one big achieve.  All you have to do is pull your favorite pieces and put them together into what looks to others like a mess.  My perfect mess then you get little signs pointing you into yet another direction, you travel down it and although it may be a dead end it leads you to something better.  I am excited to see this change  within the industry as most artists lack on so many levels to me.  Where's the showmanship and why the f&^& is auto tune excepted? that's not real that breeds a enforcement where everybody and their mother thinks they got what it takes.  They don't.  Here's another point, music venues will be built for talent they shouldn't be built for talent that doesn't exist.  It's become dry, under impressive and these places aren't making the money they used to because the talent isn't what it used to be.  I'm tired of getting into it with musicians I interview, the good ones understand this.  Working at one of the best jazz clubs in the world and seeing the talent I see only certain people stop me and slap me in the face with how great they are.

There is no better artist then a live one.  There is no better time to bring back this era, then right now.  Im not setteling for this kind of music anymore, I'm creating another kind of style thats real and honest although I know exactly what I'm up against.  Here's to the good fight.

Sample Tracks for 1950's Vision

Dani & The Mad Men™

There's been a lot of behind the scene's work on my next musical adventure.  The sample tracks are out and the image is already underway.  This is my dream vision and now you can hear just a touch of what Dani & The Mad Men™ is all about!

http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

Where The %$#^ Is She?

She is beautiful.  Not the kind thats try hard or overdone. fake or untouchable.  Red lip, flowing hair and painted nails.  High waisted skirts, soft delicate skin.  I see her.  Curves in the places a woman should have them regardless of her actual figure.  She is stunning, she is timeless and classic.  She laughs playfully drinking something on the rocks.  She's an image of something protected mostly guarded yet carelessly open and playful.  Her lashes bat and she holds all her strength and presence in an effortless glow.  Where is she?  Sexy, polished, loving, charming, classic and real.  She holds herself like a prize to be won, a prize worth more then money can buy.  High heels, black liner, men stop and open the door for her men stop and light her cigarette.  The way she holds herself is something that makes people stop and watch.  Every eye is on her and she knows it but not in a way thats controlling in a way thats sincere.  She's a magnet, she's contagious, she brings you to her and you may not know why.   She will cry, she will be brilliant, she just will be. She already is.  

I know I see her but too often see a woman thats given up, lost possibly finding herself again.  In remission, in the depths of a recession.  She's there but not fully herself, what if she was fully herself?  

I walked into a Walmart the other day which is rare all in itself.  I stopped right before I checked out and saw women all around me, they almost looked like shadows.  All in what looked to be pi's, hair in a mess walking like robots.  No expression, now I know this was just Walmart but I still couldn't find this woman I describe above.  Although I know that each of them has it none of them actually knew it.  It was sad and odd.  None of them knew that the outside is a reflection of the inside.  Maybe they just ran out of the house, I'm guilty of that.  Maybe they have 4 kids and no time, I get it but there's something telling me that that isn't it.  Sure looks aren't everything, I know but come on YOUR IN PUBLIC.  In the comforts of my own home all I want is sweats and a t-shirt but thats in the comfort of those who know me.  

This is to the beautiful woman, all of you.  Everyone of you, ALL.  The size 2(bitch;-) to the size 18, we are altogether.  We are not separate.  See yourself as your most beautiful self.  Never let anyone take that away from you.  You don't need to loss weight, you are perfect.  Because no-one is like you, you are unique. Put on some lipstick and give a damn.  If you don't see yourself as beautiful, no one will.  There's no-one feeling sorry for yourself, but you.  Come on this isn't a competition, this is a celebration because when your beautiful in the inside your outside tells the whole world that.  GIve a shit for yourself not for anyone else but you.  Your beautiful no-one needs to tell you that, in fact do an exercise for me.  Tell yourself your beautiful until you believe it and watch what happens, others around you will notice it and start in turn telling you of your beauty because it's from within.   

This is to the charming woman I respect, the ones that hold their own when I was weak I looked to you.  To my sisters, going out with them pretty much sums up the energy they hold, I was lucky to get a fraction of it.  Their spirit is beyond generous, their hearts are beyond open and their beauty only gets better with age.  

To my beautiful mother for always being classic, always being real and teaching a little girl that beauty comes from within and the outside will follow.  

Reinvention

I get to do New York City by myself this time.  There is no more liberating feeling then that, where I once felt slighty caged the greatest gift was being freed.  When I think about walking the many endless streets of Manhattan I already feel proud because its my own.  On my own dime, with my own survival instinct.

This place isn't for everyone its dirty, rough and unforgiving.  It chews you up, spits you out gives you a little but takes much more.  It's confusing, packed..perfect.  Even though I only had 5 brief months with it, I wanted more.  I wasn't done with it and never should of left but like I said it was all supposed to happen although it could have been a smoother ride.  My situation couldn't have been any worst in my opinion because I lived it but you know what I did that I did a little thing called-


re·in·vent  verb (used with object)

- to invent again or anew, especially without knowing that the invention already exists.

-to remake or make over, as in a different form.

-to bring back; revive: to reinvent trust and accountability.

You didnt think I was eating cookies and crying all day, did you?  Sure moments happen but come my  situation still doesn't make sense and it NEVER will.  Whats the fucking point?  You protect yourself first and thats the point of it all.  Keep yourself close, hold on and shut up and listen to what you need.  No excuses, have a moment to yourself in fact have many.  Your relationship with number one (yourself) will determine how your number two relationship (partner) goes.  

NYC the first time wasn't for me it was for someone else and then we were hardly there and another move was presented really without any thought.  I daydream about when I step off the plane on NY soil.  I have a feeling that my smile will be bigger then it has ever been, it will be a sense of relief that all the broken pieces of the last couple of months finally fell back into place.  My recovery has been interesting but I am thankful that one I was smart enough to reinvent and two brave enough to conquer Manhattan by myself.  Plus I dont have to answer to anyone but myself.

Life is good, isnt it?

The Nail & The Hammer

Delicate, soft, purely untouched gift so innocent to this big bad world.  Her fingers stretched out to the sky if only she knew she had hands.  Hands that will build sand castles, hands that will hold her own child.  Hands that will touch a million surfaces.

When I held her I knew nothing was actually that serious or sad.  Its such a speck of reality we think we live in.  When you hold a baby girl, when you touch the softness of her bald head you see that in that moment their life is the most simple it will ever be.  As an adult your needs and wants grow as a child all you need is the basics.  

My heart is already in love with her, with all of them.  Being an auntie holds such a pride fullness, such an extreme honest love that I never knew I had until children came into my life.  When I sometimes think of the last couple of hellish months, I surround myself with children and it all goes away.  It just doesn't matter anymore.  

Children have this unique ability to bring you right back into the present moment.  A moment adults seem to want to escape.  When you grow up and the needs and wants grow its like a constant list taking you ever so far away from where you are.  The future, the past never the now.  Someone very dear to me once told me "if you are always focusing on the future and dwelling in your past, when are you actually here?'  Are you actually enjoying it fully?  

When you watch a child hammer nails into a tree for 30 minutes I see determination and a undeveloped sense of time.  They don't live following a clock, they don't understand 5 minutes or 10 miles.  They see the nail and they see the tree and then they have their imagination.   An imagination stronger then the nails themselves, I watched him hammer nails and I never wanted that side of this little boy to grow.  I always want him to play, to never fully understand time and to always use his imagination.  They are so simple.  

When I hold Hartlee and already see a change in her face after one week, I know that I have entered a period in my life when I have gotten too consumed with time that I can no longer catchup with it.  Don't you feel like that sometimes?  Don't you feel like certain events take you further away, only if you let them.  When I see my babies grow I am reminded that although 26 is right around the corner I still feel like a child when I'm in the presence of one.  I want to hammer nails into trees and not wonder how long it took me to do so.  I want to play in the fall leaves, I want to get my clothes dirty and have mud on my face.  Now how can you tell me that that isn't life?   

How Much Debt Do You Carry?

I heard a profound quote the other day and it goes a little something like this...

A person is not how they treat their friends but how they deal with their enemies.

 I heard this and stopped and pondered at how simple yet complex this statement was.  Such truth in someone's overall character, some people never get this.  They think they can brush it off, sweep under the rug and shrug their shoulders as if it magically goes away.  IT DOESN'T.  I have been talking about this for a long time now that one creates a debt both good and bad with enemies or friends.  It's like a tide in the ocean that slowly creeps up into the sand overtime.  It may not always be visible but its there.  You put on your best poker face, shades and all and blindly walk through life never really acknowledging your debt.  But like any debt good or bad its like a third arm, its a part of you and only certain conscious beings can sense it.  I can see it all around me this third arm syndrome.  What people don't get is that this debt is fairly easy to clear but acknowledgment is needed in doing so.  Also a certain combination of forgiveness, respect and maturity.

When you observe your life one usually can shed some light on something that was clearly handled with disgrace.  If you quiet yourself long enough it will come from your belly to your spine and up into your brain that something went clearly wrong or clearly right.  It will require a small amount of feeling on your behalf and courage in saying that you fucked up or couldn't of done it any other way.  Admitting wrongs isn't easy, saying it was justified is a poor excuse creating even more debt.

Masking, replacing, guilt, lack of acknowledgment and having no time to heal are all part of the poker face.  It's still there, its a part of you and will remain a part of you no matter how much time passes you will always remember the taste someone left in your mouth.   Isn't life too short for all of this?  Why carry this with you and too bad you can't just cut it out of your life because it IS your life.  The book you write is so unique to yourself so when you read it stop at all the many chapters and acknowledge the charaters in it.  Did you do the right thing?  Can you clear that debt today?  Has too much time passed?  Did that make me feel good, did that make someone feel bad?

It's a crazy messed up world, no doubt but when I look at my credit score it makes me happy.  When I read my book and see my characters I am proud.  I wonder if the same is true for you.  Stop, reflect and learn and answer my question..How much personal debt do you carry?

Not Having a Bed

So I haven't had my own bed since May.25th, that's when I started living out of a suitcase which let me tell you HAS BEEN THE BEST TIME EVER!  Not only have I been completely nomadic but have also been without a consistent bed of my own, wait correction a ROOM of my own.  Laundry baskets and a suitcase filled with my life, my car has become my only real place.  Back and forth, life in multiple places sometimes I wonder if I deserved all of this?  What did I do?  The first couple of months were fine but now I'm pissed.  Nothing is more upsetting then a very bad immature breakup and then on-top of it not having a space is a whole new low for me.  

Since May.25th I have been stripped which is okay but I can only go so long, I can only take so much.  I am only one person.  I have done good and nobody around me has had such in intimate relationship with strength then I.  So I haven't had a bed, I know its just stuff but nothing feels more lonely then to not have a place of your own.  It's been long enough.   

Thank goodness the ticket to move to Manhattan has been booked for Oct.24th.  I paint a lovely picture of my new room.  A creative fresh and clean space of my own filled with my own things in their perfect little place.  My place, my home.  I know exactly what it's going to look like I paint this picture everyday in my mind.  That's how I know things are getting better.  I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, my journey is taking me to something great.  I already did great things with the months in Minnesota.  I have seen 75 live shows, got my vision for the project, and put myself back together.  So maybe I don't have a bed right now but soon enough I will.  So I don't have a space of my own but in a few weeks I will.  

I never knew of my patience even though I'm at the last little bit of it.  I never knew of strength until I held my head up high and kept walking.  I never knew of courage until I left something that wasn't right.  I didn't know trust until I found it in myself and no-one knows real love until they have loved themselves first.   

If all I need is a bed and space I think I have done well considering my last year.  The most remarkable thing of all is that I didn't walk away from this with anger, distrust or an unwillingness to forgive and that my friends is a beautiful way to be.

I'm ready to have my space, my home and a bed to lay my head down at night.  And it doesn't hurt that  it will be in the greatest city in the world!  

 

I Got Married..

It's funny when you start creating something out of nothing it kinda takes over.   When my schedule starts to get a little nuts and my mind is distracted thats when a longing comes lurking at the door.  This vision is like a newborn puppy that likes to ankle bite.  It barks in the background for constant attention,  if I  go a day without it I become like an addict searching for it, wanting it more and more.  Its never enough.

So I created some vows for myself, it's appropriate to state them here since I got married to myself this year.

My vow to this vision is to be single for a year, no distractions.  This is a tough one but is the most important element to the success of this vision.  

I vow to always continue to study the blues.  Listen to them, breath them and become them.  I sit in my 1950's vintage dress in the living room with headphones sorting through all the music I have collected over the past 2 months.  This may look weird but it feels damn good.  Boom!

I vow to honor the ones that paved the way for most.  I am not stupid enough to think I will fully understand the blues but my vow is to learn it everyday.  Boom!

I will not settle for bucket 1 musicians (great lesson taught to me)  I don't have time, energy to waste.  I didn't work 2 months on something to give it away to people that don't know what they are doing.  Boom!

I vow to be straight forward, a leader, the visionary, the protector of this project. Boom!

I vow to not go days without it, my heart hurts when I do.  Boom!

I will tell everyone and their mother about what I'm looking for.   No fear of rejection, no doubt.  I won't take no for an answer.  BOOM!

I vow to bring this project to life. I promise to always be the first believer in it, I promise to never loss my faith in it.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

My vow is to myself first.  

I am happily married.   

BOOM!