The Chivalrous Man

Things are making a come back, we can't all really buy into the fact that this is all working.  Sometimes progression is good other times maybe not so much.  Within the dynamics of a relationship where I once thought chivalry was dead, I am here to say its not.  Woman shouldn't expect it, its the way in which one holds themselves to receive it.   

While being monogamous the chivalry obviously died overtime but now that I'm single I see it everyday, in fact I can't get away from it.  The man that opens the door, carries the groceries and lights a cigarette he's all around me.  This chivalrous man that had a good mother and possibly sisters understand the soft nature of a woman no matter how hard the exterior.  The more hurt the harder the wall and the deeper the layers.  Monogamy works, high expectations does not.  I believe it won't be full-fledged 1950's but I think the common man is starting to realize that there is some sustainable thoughtfulness that needs to happen and woman are taking guards down to receive it.  

The games have become to difficult and blurry to read and follow, that I'm pretty sure we are all sick of them to a certain degree.  The harder a game we play the further away from love we become and the less we understand about one another.  

Lets look at this even further shall we.  For every 100 single woman there are 88 unmarried men out there.  43% of people over the age of 18 are single.  Whats going on?  Are we not understanding each other or projecting too much on one another?  I have watched successful couples and I see the secrets that make them work like a well oiled machines.  I am happy to see this kind of man back into my life, ladies it is what you see out of it and a standard that you hold them accountable for while ALWAYS REMAINING INDEPENDENT...(yah I missed that one in the last marry-go-round, lesson learned).  

Start looking around you and allow the chivalry to happen for you, open yourself up to it..sure some guys try hard but don't shut them down they are engrained to try, to court and be thoughtful.  Let it happen.  To the men I see with chivalry, I commend your bravery and say thank you for always opening up the door for me.  

There's something happening, don't believe me?  Read this:

http://articles.cnn.com/2010-08-19/living/single.in.america_1_single-fathers-single-mothers-single-parents?_s=PM:LIVING

Dear New York City and Myself

This journey has given me so much both high's and lows however my proudest moment was moving to the Lower East Side, Manhattan.  On January 2 of this year I packed up my things and drove from Minnesota to a giant monster of a city.  I recall not thinking much about it until I was white knuckling the steering wheel.  When I read my Breaking Manhattan blog I am reminded of how amazing that opportunity was for me.  For that I am grateful because I will be making the move again on Oct.16th of this year however this time by plane and this time all by myself.   

I may not of moved by myself so the greatest blessing was moving there with someone and this time will be even better because I will be doing it alone.  No crutch this time.   My way, my journey and not for someone else's career. I felt such a sadness leaving the first time to do yet another move and this time I will be staying.  Hitting the ground running..

I see Manhattan as this massive ball of yarn, intermixed with opportunity and despair.  Its dark and hopeful, unforgiving yet welcoming..easy yet complicated.  I feel like from a distance I am a bird flying over the top of it wondering how to become it, conquer it and find my place within it.  My blessing is this vision I have been having and it's up to me to weed through 8 million people, find the right ones to make it my reality.  

When I first moved back from London, every fiber of my being said "this is your home but not your place in this world"  I then received a phone call and a spot had opened up for me in the LES (lower east side) I knew this was fate knocking.  I answered it and now I sit with just months away from yet another move.  

I am writing to you to share this experience however this is also a letter to myself.  To remind myself to stay above water because Manhattan is many wonderful things its also harsh and sometimes cruel.  This is to remind myself of perseverance and persistence, trusting my instinct and taking my journey one step at a time.  I always want to see New York as my opportunity, rejection is only part of the game.  Patience and gratitude and holding oneself with grace and forgiveness. When Manhattan seems heavy make light out of it.  Become the streets, many great things came from Bleecker, Houston and of course Park Ave.   Stay in but don't be afraid to go outward.  Meet people, eat great food and when things get hard call your family first.  

If only before every journey we could write a letter to oneself... 

Table for One Please

The constant need for the presence of another person at all times is a screaming desire to not be alone.  It masks itself, act's as a quilt always hiding your layers of discontent within yourself.  It feeds on having someone, anyone by your side and it will make you settle and left with a lingering discontent that will surface overtime.  Your always searching for more and you will never know that you in fact had it all.  You have yourself.

I sat on the waters edge, alone.  I walked barefoot on the beach sand between my toes and felt my presence which was all I needed.  It wouldn't be fair to be with someone right now and to me even though my bed (sorry couch) seems cold I am quickly reminded that I'm my own best friend.  Its not a impulsive neediness inflicted on someone else, its a calm place that takes time to get to.  I still feel it sometimes but not enough to run to someone else.  These things must be felt or they will become masked only creating an even colder heart.  You create walls and will eventually turn on your new replacement.  Overtime this is the cycle.  I watch it, I see it and I don't admire those that are on the constant search because little do they know it actually starts with them.  You can't have 2 without 1, you can't love 2 without loving 1..you see how people skip the first step.  

So your alone perhaps after a divorce or a messy breakup, you feel every string of your heart play.  You have been so used to someone that you find yourself still setting 2 places at the table..thats the feeling that makes you move to someone else.  It sometimes is unbearable, nasty hole in your gut.  The air doesn't smell the same, food has no taste and the colors of your world are black and white.  Your bored with yourself, sick of the feeling of your perceived aloneness. You search for a replacement, anything will do and that you will find.

 The overall definition of need is delusional in this matter.  We need water to live, we need food to survive and sun to cultivate life.  We don't need love we only want love and if we don't get it, it turns into a neediness for love.

NEED-I-NESS:  Privation, a state of extreme poverty.

Is that anyway to blossom love or relationship?  In order to grow the real kind of love not the fake stuff, all conditions have to be right.  The seed has to be whole, the water from a pure source.  There are many generic wannabes with love.  Don't be fooled, in fact you won't be as humans we can sense the unconditional love when we see it.  Its when my dad wakes up 30 minutes before my mom and makes her coffee and starts her car.  Its seeing my grandfather bring flowers to my grandmothers grave.  Its in the way my brother rubs her pregnant belly.  Its when I see an old couple split a coffee and sit in silence.
It's simple not complicated.  The complicated stuff is the step brother of love, a fake.  The drama is fake, the hate turned against one another is fake. Fighting is fake.  Leaving someone for greener grass, is fake.

But then again there are many bad seeds out there, be choosy whom you grow love with.  For now I choose the high road and say a table for one please.

Summer Tomato

Have you ever tasted a summer tomato?  Ripe, red, juicy summer sun kissed goodness.  Umm there is nothing like it.  Not in winter, spring or fall only a summer tomato tastes as pure from the earth as soil itself.  You can just taste the golden sun and breeze dancing romantically with your taste buds.  Its saying yah this Earth is pretty bad ass, it can grow a summer tomato.  Only it can harvest the most decedent sugary berries and only it can grow the coveted summer tomato.  Whatever happened to keeping our fair Fruit and Veg pure because when we really taste something in its purest form why would we except anything less.  Everything else can progress but why does the energy we put into ourselves have to change, be altered or messed with?  I want my summer tomato year round  but its never the same.  My pico never tastes the same, my tomato sauce isn't right and I have ruined too many Caprese Salads.  So why make a second runner up tomato?  You know the flimsy tomato on your sad Subway sandwich, the one that looks light pink and almost see-threw? Ya thats the one.  Its like summer tomato's second cousin but yet we still think their eatable and ask for extra's.

Then there's the apple, only 4 TIMES ITS SIZE.  Sorry didn't mean to do cap's but my fat apple was weighing my hand down.  Clunk Clunk, just dropped it on the floor.  This can't be right, no one can think this is right..But yet we eat all of it, all 4 servings of it.  Have you ever compared a store bought strawberry to one straight from the berry patch?  I did it this summer and let me tell you my Driscoll's looked like it had 2 heads and an ass.  But we think it's ok and continue to buy them.  I mean overtime it goes to show that "things" progress but why alter nature, its already perfect.

We mess with seeds already evolved past perfection.  We think it's ours to mess with, like an experiment.  We are the 5 year old with a magnifier and the seed is the ant and here come's some light.  I know its human nature to evolve but I think somethings should remain sacred, coveted or better yet protected.

Why do we conform to this,? Why do we say this is going to work for us? When obesity rates are at its high we collectedly still buy the produce we know isn't real.  Farmers markets could be our grocery store and our summer tomato would be ripe and juicy instead of limp and see-threw.

Just sayen..

Can I Get a Thank You?

In the commonality of life, the repetition of waking up and going to sleep and with every media outlet blasting constant images.  You make the morning coffee at exactly 7:15, everything seems to flow according to the tick tock.  You rush out the door after putting on the clothes you laid out the night before.  You are being pulled in multiple direction, constant lists and futuristic thoughts.  Your day either flies by or creeps as slow as if every minutes was a drop of sap falling from a tree.  Its the cycle of life, its the flow of a working man and it becomes so consistent I wonder if we factor other things into this routine.  Its like we almost shut off our brains (even though we are clearly using them) and go on autopilot.  Like a pilot on a commercial jet, we sit back and go on cruise control.  I always hear people say "man that year flew by" as if they weren't the driver in the race car, the pilot in their plane or the writer of their story.

Now I stop you and I'm going to ask you to consciously think.  I want you to be quiet enough to hear your voice that no one else can hear.  I have a question for you, when was the last time you gave gratitude for everything you have?  Maybe its been awhile since you have observed your world and gave some amount if any amount of thanks to it.  If you can't see any good in it how can more good come to you.  You have legs, eyes to read this fabulous blog and enough comprehension to use your computer.

Without gratitude this life can be seen as pretty cruel and equally as dark.  After a very bad breakup, all I could think of was how grateful I was.  Even through the confusion and despair of a broken heart I couldn't help to not see the good and blessing in it all.  Part of the blessing was never having to deal with it again.  But I gave it, I saw it and I released it.  During the battle I watched those around me pull together and no matter how bad it got it could have always been harder, darker and more cruel to me.  Instead of seeing it as a bad, I turned it around and saw good.

And now I must ask you to stop, clear your mind, sit in calmness and ask yourself this question, what are you grateful for?  When you hold it in your mind and feel it in your heart, what makes you feel thankful?  What is strong enough in your life to say thank you for?  When was the last time gratitude has been given to the things around you..

Today is the day to give gratitude and trust me things won't seem so dark and cruel.  I challenge you to factor it in everyday until your gratitude grows like a seed in your heart that will eventually bloom flowers in your life.

Right now I am grateful that you choose to be one of 1,000 people viewing my blog, for that I say thank you to you! 

 

Intuition and Karma

Its' a tug on your shoulder, something that makes your feet stop.  It summons your inner voice to say that something isn't right.  This thing whatever it is acts as a tour guild in this crazy journey called life.  Its like a higher presence that sends you a message.  It shakes you, slaps you and makes you stop and listen.  Some have it stronger then others, some ignore it all together and mine makes me sick till I listen.  Any degree of it is better then none at all.  Its like a 5 years old following you and tugging on your shirt, its a welcomed annoyance but beware once you open the door it only gets stronger.  

In·tu·i·tion:

Direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension. A fact, truth, etc., perceived in this way, a keen and quick insight.

It seems to surface in the beginning stages of a calmness right before major changes or as they say a calm before the storm.  I heard it many of times but isn't there a certain degree of paranoia associated with receiving messages from what is perceived as out of the blue.  Perhaps its not out of the blue at all, foreshadowing that kept on knocking on my castle.  I remember when it first happened and it felt like a heavy, unstoppable force deep within.  My thoughts were of "oh shit, something isn't right." This was well before New York.  This was knocking like a 1950's door to door salesman.  I didn't want to listen, I sent it on its way.  But it kept coming up to my door offering a sale, a buy one get one free and it continued to knock and then when shit hit the fan it was still waiting outside for me. I finally let it in. Perhaps my guardian, something I can't physically see but it allows me to never feel alone.  When things get messy I say help me, lead me to my right way.

Don't you have that inner thing that says "the starbucks lady gave you too much change, return it" or "you lied, tell the truth."  This may also be a inner consciousness, your voice. So if intuition is the first stage guess what the next phase is?

Good or bad, in one way or another its a debt you pay off eventually or that will reimburse you  overtime.  Its not immediate, sometimes it is.  It works on its own time but eventually it finds its way to each of us.

Kar-ma:

Action, seen as bringing upon oneself-inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in incarnation. The cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished according to that person's deeds.  Fate; destiny.

So intuition will stop you and failure to listen and correct will bring like results or your karma. Good or bad depending on your situation.  It's this a simple concept?  You reap what you sow, what goes around comes around and you get back what you put in.

So when I talk about my 2 friends its not to say that you are bad or I am bad, its a human condition that we are all a little messed up sometimes. However there is opportunity in those situations, to do differently next time.  What I am going to say is that we can all make right, learn from our past and not cheat or hurt others because its only a matter of time when someone will hurt or cheat you.

I Choose Rocks.

"You make a bigger statement by saying something then not"  said a beautiful friend of mine over a very pink martini.  This was girl talk belly up at a posh Uptown overpriced and too trendy rooftop.  When discussing relationships and work I pondered the stance that most woman around me get, THANK GOD.  The real meaning is to be heard and to make a stand, if something doesn't feel right it probably isn't, this is common sense right? Well I liked this comment, in fact it was as refreshing as my very pink and strong martini.  It was black and white and after a whole lota gray I appreciate someone keeping it simple with little need for blurry.  Isn't life blurry enough ?  Why make relationships or friendships a maybe, a what if or a kind of.

My beautiful friend had moved for a relationship (sounds familiar) and found herself happy within her courtship but sad about her career and what she wanted (ding ding ding). In relationships perhaps compromise is key but when one is doing all the give and another is taking when does the breaking point happen? It happened with her and it happened with me.  Although under different circumstances, we still found that it is just pointless not being who we are or were went to be.  So we both made statements and left.  JACKPOT.

But this powerful statement doesn't just need to be within friendships or relationships, I know a lot of quiet people out there.  Suckling off the opinions of others or not having one's of their own.  Living in fear, regret or shame of sounding stupid they make no statement for themselves.  So whats better, having a disposition on matters or not knowing how to think or feel?  Come on we all know someone from both sides.

Its a simple challenge for you to stop hiding in the gray within area's of your life.  Say something and mean it.  If a relationship or friendship is gray make it black or make it white.  Some love living in the dramatic gray, its challenging and confusing and full of games.

But at the end of the day who can you really call on,  a half-assed friend or someone thats your rock?

I choose rocks.  

 

Calling On You Child

Walking in London I approached a playground.  There were 4 little girls all standing in a row.  They were singing Adele to no music with a pre rehearsed dance all in sequence.  I sat by the gate and watched until they noticed me watching got shy and ran away.  They all had long hair and sang a perfect rendition of Adele note for note word for word.  They were kids lost in their perfect world of childish nature and a naiveness that I wish I never outgrew.  

When did growing up become complicated?  When did I loss my nature of carelessness, I outgrew my kid-like clothes and traded it in for a somewhat complex disposition.  I became an adult when I would rather still be my child within.  Age and time took its journey upon me and upon you.  With it came money and responsibility to be an "adult" but why is that I still want to have the freedom of a child.  Although I would never want to be 21 again, I still don't really care for my now present cumulative age either.  Does age even matter to begin with, when does one loss "it"?    

We were never given a  manual for adulthood and never needed one in our youth.  Who would of thought that heartache, failure and fault would be the exchange for rubber duckies, lollipops and sandcastles.  I still want to change outfits 5 times and be a princess if I want to even if now its considered juvenile.  


If we have to grow up is it possible to keep our inner lightheartedness.  Can I challenge you to swing in a playground, order a root beer float in order to take life lighter.  May you scrap your knee and have someone kiss it, may you eat cotton candy without the guilt and run around naked (just stay 500 feet away from a school).  


Lets keep the inner child, don't kill it off just yet its there to help you make light of this life...

There is no purer love then the love that comes from a child.  To the children in my life, you always remind me of how great and easy life can be.  There is nothing I wouldn't do for you.  I didn't know love until you three (soon four) came into this world.


Your auntie.

The Burning House

Lets imagine for a second a burning house.  A massive structure of wood and cement perfectly burning before your eyes.  Orange ambers and flaring wisps of destructive heat devouring everything it comes in contact with.  Its a beautiful disaster of elements.  However I failed to inform you that this house is your house.  Your shrine of all your collectables through out your life.

You have 60 seconds, what do you grab? (assuming that no one is inside)
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After downsizing my life for the 3rd time this year, I returned home with 2 suitcases and a guitar.  Having given away my car, my lease, A LOT of shoes and even more clothes I found myself sitting on the edge of my parents dock wondering what the point of this all was.  I didn't really miss it nor could I recall any of the junk I actually gave away.  After the fire I was left with clothes (which I needed), 2 pairs of shoes, pictures out of their frames and a guitar.  I was a minimalist, thrifty, stripped, and all that I needed wasn't "stuff" it was so much more then the disposable or replaceable.  When stripped naked the need for  "stuff" was no longer important but what was even more crucial was my character and whom I surrounded myself with.

"You have everything you need and everything you want will come" he said to me.  Now this person was yet another angel introduced during my journey.  After my first round of angels sent me off at the airport this is where Randy enters from stage left.  My mediating peace man, the Zen master, the calm force nature happy live in the moment at all times one and only.  Ya I didn't need stuff oh no during the next week and a half I stripped down to nothing and mediated while calming my chatty mind.

The flaming house would of continued to burn to ashes, I would have watched it all go I was ok because my actual structure was the support of an unshakable bound.  The kind that is actually real, the kind that lasts longer then the things in your house or the things that were once in mine.  When I was burning I had a crew of firefighters putting out the fire.

So I wonder, what would you grab?  What could you not live without?  Would you run in or would you watch it burn?

And more importantly...

Who would you call first?  

I Prayed.

So Im not really the praying type if anything I am spiritual but not in an organized religion kind of way.  I believe and sometimes in the depths of confusion or when things seems to be so messy that even I can't make sense of it, I pray.  Possibly skimming ground zero, failing to my knees overwhelmed by emotions and wanting to disconnect from my brain.  In disbelief and some despair, I prayed.  I looked up to the sky and said "I don't have the answer and I don't know how I'm going to do this but please help me."  It was quiet and as if planned the wind picked up and kissed me.  I felt not alone even though I felt entirely empty and numb.  Do you sometimes feel that those are the moments you swear someone is watching over you?

Before I boarded the 8 hour flight back to the states from London, I prayed.  This was not only going to be the longest flight of my life but my tears wouldn't stop.  It was like my thoughts were like a building in Times Square with a constant stream of thoughts which triggered my tears.  I wandered around Heathrow trying to distract myself but couldn't.  I had Customs ask if I had been drinking or high because I looked like a shell of who I thought I was.  My eyes were so red I went to the bathroom and hardly saw myself in the mirror.  I was a mess and thats when I prayed.  I said "I don't know how to do this but I need help, and I know its been awhile but do you hear me?"  Its like something screamed inside me just to make sure something/someone could hear me even though I didn't say it out loud.

I boarded the flight as if I was walking off a plank into an ocean.  My feet were like cement and every fiber of myself wanted to run and never stop running till I made it to Scotland.  It was a 777 jet and I was sandwiched in between 3 people to each side of me.  I tied my scarf around my face and slept until I woke up crying, only 20 minutes had passed.  I went into the laboratory and cried.  There would be knocks on the door and then I would know that my time was up, I had to go back to my seat.  But I didn't.  I sat in the back of the plane and found myself crying in the back room where flight attendants prepared the drinks and food.  Then my question was answered, my prayer had been heard.  My angels appeared.

"Can I just stand here? I can't stop crying"
"Sure, Are you ok?" said one on my crew of angels.
"Um thats a loaded question"
"Sit here as long as you need."

I thought that was going to be it.  I would stand the entire flight, I was ok with that just as long as I didn't have to go back to my seat.  Then the leader of the pack came and found me.  He truly saved me, I don't know how to explain it but the moment I met him I knew I was going to be ok.

"I hear your having a hard time"
"Yah"I said.

Come with me, he said.  Follow me, he said.  I can help you.  I left my seat in economy and found myself in first class privately by myself.  He gave me a bottle of wine (at ten in the morning) and he made me eat.  He baked me cookies and gave me a bed, a blanket and a box of tissues.  I slept for the first time in 30 some hours.  My mind rested finally.  I knew I was going to be fine I had my crew of angels, all checked in with me ever so often never leaving me fully alone.  I wasn't alone at all in fact I was very much taken care of.  Jeremy the manager of the AA flight also took my ticket and when I woke up told me that my 2 hour layover from Chicago to Minnesota was upgraded to the next available flight.  I had 30 minutes to bypass security and board my home bound flight to my family.

I will never find words to express the kindness shown to me from complete strangers.  I could never thank them enough for taking me under their wings.  I asked for help and help I received.  I challenge you to ask for help even if your not sure whom your asking.  I ask you to quiet yourself enough to hear an answer.  If in your despair you don't know the road to follow, ask and possibly your angles will appear.  Just pray.