The Lincoln Center Moment

I got a private tour of the Lincoln Center.  Walking the hallways, the behind the scenes that the many greats have walked.  I was there.  Like really there, my soul was shining.  I was taken.  I walked with a legend of sorts and he will remain unnamed.  This doesn't happen to most and for that I am thankful.  I touched the gray walls as if I had been there before but in reality I will never see the Lincoln center the way I did tonight.  I was a kid in a candy store.

I also found a music mentor tonight, one willing to open a few closed doors for me.  He has offered a window for me to sneak through.  This is not messing around, this is pretty major.  For that I give a kind smile to someone that sees something in me.  For however brief we crossed paths for reason I may not understand for right now.  I trust this, these things I trust.  He has taken me under his wing, he will never know how in this moment he has changed me.  This isn't small time anymore.  I weaved through the halls completely comforted by talent all around me.  I can do this, I am this.  I may be a little girl with a dream but this dream has taken me to some great places within the last 7 days.  Something rapid is happening around me and it just keeps getting better and the people around me are something of greatness.

I saw beautiful stages tonight, my imagination keeps growing.  I want these venues.  I want to create within these walls.  This moment has changed my thinking to go even greater, to strive even further.  I have someone willing to expose me to some pretty epic things.  We are friends, kindred spirits with the same love although his is a tad more matured.  I got to see Lincoln Center in a way most won't be able to. I got an in and let me remind you that when a door closes a window opens and I am living proof of a statement I said months ago when I had nothing when I had lost a lot.

I express gratitude.  I say thank you and I believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  As I was leaving the lead singer stopped and said I am now going to sing some blues.  I paused and acknowleged this sign.  She sang and my heart pounded for her, I knew in that moment I was on the right path.  I had figured out my journey and now my imagination is endless.  I had found endlessness again, the world is my oyster and will only be limited by what I haven't imagined yet.  Now I know to shoot bigger.

A Lesson

I think it's pretty beautiful,  I find myself walking familiar streets of a place I know now by memory.  New York is so easy to get lost in but so incredibly easy to find exactly where you need to be.  I am in Manhattan, and my soul is finally smiling again.  Before I would wear a smile but my heart wasn't happy. Now I feel both come full circle.  Creating a creative place was my first mission.  I needed my space to be beautiful so that my ideas would grow and mature.  I needed a work center that would promote the brainstorm.  I needed a place that would be safe, where I could shut the madness off.  I needed walls to paint with image boards, I needed my space to be dedicated.  A constant reminder of my desire, my passion.

You must remember that on July.5th I had moved back to Minnesota with only 2 suitcases, no job and no money.  I was brokenhearted and beat up.  I recovered for the next 3 weeks with the help of loved ones.  I found a beautiful center within myself again and started creating.  I fought to keep my head above water to not be swallowed by the sheer pain of it all.  My breaking moment happened one month after I left London and found out that he was already with someone else.  That's when I saw the situation very clear, a little too clear.  I finally understood that it wasn't me.  Woman have a rare ability to beat themselves up, rerun the details and I'm not sure why we do that.  I learned in that moment that there is no point in doing so, there is no point because it doesn't change anything.  If you are rerunning a situation let me tell you one thing, IT WILL STOP YOU FROM CREATING/REINVENTING YOURSELF.  You are stuck in the past which means your not living in the moment (which is all you have).  Let it go, don't carry it with you there is no space for it.  From my experience there was no greater lesson.  When I look at the storm I am entirely grateful for the rain.  For when theres a storm eventually there will be a clearing for the sun.  You must always go through it and respect the process.  We all got something but only you control how it effects you and how you will treat others in return.  

Months later I am singing on a stage in Manhattan and as I watch the storm clear all I see is the sun. I made it without becomeing a stone heart.  Whatever it may be or whomever has done a shitty thing please let it go.  Start now with a new outlook, don't let it take up anymore space protect this side of yourself.  

Less Then 1 Week & I Sang In Manhattan!!!!!

Let me share something pretty fu&*ing cool with you.  About 2 months ago I envisioned a stage (remember I wrote about it, http://whereadoorcloses.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-stage.html) while walking home from dinner with friends I stopped at a new jazz/blues club that opened up right across the street from me (weird huh?).  I walked in and my heart almost stopped.  From the red of the curtain to the position of the musicians, I had seen this before I actually physically "seen" it, if that makes sense.  I actually drew a sketch months ago in Minnesota of this exact moment.

As I walked into a very crowded bar a very kind gentleman gave his seat up for me.  Little did I know that I had sat right next to the singer of the group that was playing that night.  We start talking, I pitch the Dani & The Mad Men vision (because I TELL EVERYONE & THEIR MOM ABOUT IT) and he says "well you think you got what it takes so lets put you on stage and see what you got."
My reaction was sh&% IJ YHJKD^%&^$ G&*& DGSJ^*W()W*E HDKS&RWIUIO!!!!!!! Im about to sing on a stage in Manhattan, holy shit this is cool.  This is my moment.

I got up on stage with not an ounce of nervousness, I went up there feeling like I was home.  A home I have missed for so long, a home I gave up on at one point.  A stage I learned how to love again.  I stood and did impromptu jazz/blues and to be honest I don't remember what I sang but whatever it was it lead the crowd to ask for 2 more songs for me to sing.  It's within this moment I give gratitude.  It reaffirmed all that I have been doing behind the scenes with music, and that I am in fact NOT going bad shit crazy.   I have been here less then a week and was just busting to get that microphone and I got much more then that.  I got the stage I saw months ago and now a network of musicians within my neighborhood wanting to work with me.

I share this moment because I am a firm believer that if you go somewhere in mind first, you will go there in body second.  To the first of many stages, to my many homes.

The Progression

When navigating though a vision its funny the many directions it takes.  When I look at the space I created within a small little room in the massiveness of Manhattan I sometimes wonder if its real.  When you create something, sometimes you feel as if your the only one that believes it.  Maybe that's all it takes, perhaps that's all that's needed.  When I see the vision boards pill up and my ideas run wild in my book, I wonder when life will be breathed into it.  The progression of Dani & The Mad Men is unfolding in front of your eyes, I want to remember this hustle.  I want to remember the ups and the downs, the endless phone calls I make.  The leads I follow with a dead end, the leads I follow with a detour.  I sometimes want to scream, then I want to jump for joy.  Isn't this life?  I love that I can share this with you as most people with a vision give up.  I'm not that person.  You will hear me scream, I will be honest enough to tell you of my frustrations and the moments of complete gratitude.

When navigating through a vision there is no set way.  There isn't a path and dear god I wish sometimes there was a map.  I was told by a very well known Jazz musician that has been kind enough to take me under her wing, "be ready for the ride girl, there's going to be a lot more downs then ups and it all depends on how bad you want this."  That's with anything you do, that's with anything you protect within the walls of your mind.  This started for me 4 months ago and I can't give up on it however frustrating it seems at times.  The flood gates have been opened and I can't shut it off because I don't know how.  I am like a bear protecting her cub and I want you to say that I can't do (in fact no one has) perhaps that's an inner battle you fight when creating something out of thin air.

The love for Dani & The Mad Men is unconditional, I know it's going to take hustle and I know I'm going to have to break down some walls.  I want to remember this to perhaps give some faith to someone else that's creating something.  It's ups and downs but when I lay my head down at night and see myself in the final product I know then that its real.  Real and passionate to me, honest to myself, successful to the only person I answer to.  Its not a dream then I would only be a dreamer, it's not just a vision then only I could see it.  It's me, it's my arm and it's with me all the time.

As of right now.  The progression is that I have connected with professional fulltime musicians who are helping me, THANK YOU.  Without using names you would know who they are, I am utilizing them as a resource and the audition process starts tomorrow.

I want to remember this moment.  So that you and I know that its not just a dream, its a progression.  To my progression, theres no turning back.  I am thankful for my connections they didn't have to take me under their wing for that I am thankful.

 

Hello Dani & The Mad Men™

Lets not forget the real reason I came to Manhattan, I got some hell to raise...

http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

The hustle has begun.. 

The Mini Storage Moment..

I am in love.  This new direction has been rough, lots of ups and downs but then I find myself landed.  Taken, I surrendered and found myself back in a place I never wanted to leave.  Opening up boxes of a chapter that has been closed, finding my grandmothers old baking recipes and my old cookbooks makes me feel like I survived.  The storm has passed, it was the final step.

Opening up the door to the mini storage was like opening up a vault to my former life.  I found a box.  Tore the tape off and found myself in the cardboard.  I cried.  I cried a lot which is unusual.  Not having my things for 6 months made me turn inward, rebuild myself.  Taking my things completed my puzzle.

 I separated 2 very different lives yesterday.  One connected to beautiful cookbooks, amazing family photos and a knife set.  One deeply in love with the children in her life, one that keeps all her old music books and one that needs nothing more then her collected coffee mugs.  I found everything I wanted in a mist of a strangers things.

It was a beautifully symbolic day and I did it with a dear friend.  My gratitude for his help can not be expressed.  He put his hand on my back and said take as much time as you need.  The warmth of his character, his willingness to help me is completely overwhelming.  Little did he know he was doing something much bigger then helping a friend move, he was helping me get my life back.  I couldn't have been in better hands.  I may not have been able to do this all by myself.

 The memories that were so deeply locked away came back, and I cried for now it finally feels over.  Which isn't to say that it is bad but it's to say that I survived it.  Admitting strength is hard for all of us to do.  I didn't yell, I didn't cheat, I didn't hate my way through this.  I didn't become untrusting, regretful, guarded, or scared.  I didn't try to get back at someone or get into a relationship out of hurt.  I didn't bash anyone, I just didn't.  I kept walking hard as that was sometimes that's how I know it was love on my part. Because love is kind, love isn't malicious or mean.  Love cannot be that way if its true.  That's why I can say that I loved and although I lost..I will love again and win.

This is part 2 of my jouney.  The hopeful section.  The storm has passed, and thats beautiful thing.

Saying Goodbye.

Its never easy, in fact its the hardest part.  Although its not tears of sadness or regret.  Its not from a bad place or some place insincere.  Its real and raw, honest and true.  The goodbyes pill up alongside the fall leaves.  Each one a little harder, each one still significant.

I know what I'm leaving, I know my journey that I am on.  I never lost sight of it just momentarily pushed on pause.  When things get tough, I know I have you.  When things were bad, you were there.  I'm ready just not ready to say goodbye to all the many familiar faces.  This is what I dislike the most.  You would think it would get easier but it doesn't.  Its a wonderfully amazing foundation but damn it's hard to be apart.  It's never easy not seeing you.  Your face looks so real in memory I can practically touch it.  That's how I can say goodbye, or rather see you soon.

Its time for this caged bird to fly.  Its an amazing journey, scary as it may be to those around me its my path.  You may not understand why it needs to happen but for me its the only way I see.  I have a dream bigger then myself sometimes.  I opened a can of worms, I fought some inner stuff but I'm okay.  My dream is unfolding and if I don't jump now, I may never.  If I don't follow it I may lose it which can't be possible in my eyes.

 New York will be kind to me.  It took me the first time and I never wanted to leave it, I never wanted to let it go.  Its days away, the hardest is what Im in right now.  The days leading up to it are supposed to be great but to me they are sad.  Sad in a good way.  Sad because I won't be able to hug you. Sad because I won't be able to have a glass of wine next to you.  Sad because your memories are my memories.  I will always be there but the physical me can't walk with you.  That's a hard part for me.  When New York is cruel I will have your voice, I will have the comfort of knowing that you are there.

I dont say goodbye, I say see you soon.

We Are Glue..

Are you a person that sticks to those around you?  Do you hold relationships, grow them, work through them or leave them?  Are they disposable? Replaceable?  Real/Fake? Honest/Dishonest? Capable of greater things/dead before they have a chance to blossom?  

I remember leaving that day in London.  Usually I stick to those around me, work through the hard times. When I remember looking into the back window at a face so familiar to me, I sometimes wonder how I could have given up so easily.  Now trust me there were many things wrong, a trust broken a bond running thin but thats where I strive.  We all have breaking points.  Being in a foreign country and losing the grip of a friends hands, I ran.  Within 4 hours, he booked a flight.  There was no fight for anything.  He opened the door to the taxi and practically pushed me into it.  We both gave up that day.  I only share this not to change it but to say that even the strongest of a perceived bond can break.  I broke it, he broke it and at the end of it we lost a lot.  

The major lessons through this journey is I unhealthfully absorbed most of "his" stuff because the woman in my family tend to do that.  When in a relationship allow me to remind you that in order to be healthy you both need to be active participants in your OWN personal journey.  Your own goals, ambitions, your own drive, your own money and your own dream.  Never for a second absorb the other entirely, compliment and be a bonus to each other but never become each other.  The lessons I take away from this have been the most valuable to me and my personal journey.  Just needed to sum that up, out-loud.

Although I wouldn't change it, it's funny when you one day can wake up and observe it for what it really is.  The value of relationships/friendships and family are sometimes tricky but the most important undertaking .  They sway like a willow tree at the first sign of a breeze.  They are tested, broken and the true character of those around you will always be shown over time.  You stand by people, lighten the load for the ones you love but through it all who do you stand next to?  When things get tough, who do you call on?  More importantly who actually knows you?  

Saying goodbye was the hardest part during this journey, I was never good at it.  I still suck at it. although I don't cry very often theres something about that final moment that makes me momentary break a little.  You are either a surface person or a depth person, or somewhere in-between.  WE are glue, we are airplane glue at that..something just sticks and its forever hard to let go.  Tis a lonely world if we weren't this way.  

Music Clips!

http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

More sound clips available for the new 1950's sound for Dani & The Mad Men™

-Dani-

The Train

Imagine a train.  On a track, running.  Speeding fast around corners, creating gusts of air as it passes steadily with such direction.  The graffiti on either side isn't legible.   The steam is bellowing, the sound of metal and weight is piecing.  It makes a perfect howl while pushing steadily ahead, who knows where its going but it just is.  Even if it gets off track it is neither good or bad.  

Its symbolic of the track we are all on, neither good neither bad.  We are this train following some direction which is neither yours to judge or yours to perceive as anything but beautiful.  Its a direction that is meant for that person.  We all get off track, we all speed too fast sometimes but we are still going.  Still here, following what is best for each of us.  Along the way there maybe certain stops, certain judgement calls that is perfect for that persons journey.  Why is up to them, how is only theirs.  We can not direct their train, they are the conductor.  When I look at the trains passing me by or coming up behind me I am quick to say that although we may not carry the same freight we are blessed to be moving.  Where I used to categorize good and bad, I don't anymore because it's not mine.  

Input is not important anymore.  Judgement is a waste of time.  Be the train that is moving, evolving and creating its own direction.  Be careful of getting off track and come back to your rout in times of doubt or fear.  A train moves on a track laid out in front of itself, trust that it is perfect for you.  Neither good, neither bad..just is.   Be less concerned at how some can fix their tracks, or how you would do something differently you don't know anyone but yourself.

Where I once was so confused at how someone could collide in a destructive force into my train, I don't care anymore.  It all has some purpose although that answer may not be revealed to you right away.  Keep on in your direction have faith in the tracks that lay ahead and never for a moment fear that it will run into soil.  It is a journey and although some may have seen me get off track, my train continued to move and eventually got right back up to speed.  

You have a choice to keep on, slow down or stay off track either way it is perfect for your jouney in that moment.  It is unique to you and that is a beautiful thing.  

**The New Direction of Music**

I was driving in my car and heard something very interesting, Flo Rida did a remix featuring Etta James.  Now the last few month of research has brought me to Ms. Etta, Ray Charles, Muddy Waters and some of the artists featured on this here blog.  You might not think that this is a big deal but to me it's pretty epic considering that there is not only a change within the industry right now but the tide is pulling towards simpler times.  T.V is also picking up on the switch with shows like Mad Men (sound familiar) and PANAM.  History repeats itself and although technology is always changing and evolving, society stays the same.

There's a love for this era right now which makes me feel less crazy as this era has become my obsession. My new favorite thing, with a fresh real twist.  I heard that song and although I'm not the biggest Flo Rida fan, smiled.  You get weird signs like that in life.  Like a pat on the back saying your not the only one, others are doing their part to bring back the BIG comeback.

The research is endless.  Movies, media, songs, artists, print, my grandfathers house is like one big achieve.  All you have to do is pull your favorite pieces and put them together into what looks to others like a mess.  My perfect mess then you get little signs pointing you into yet another direction, you travel down it and although it may be a dead end it leads you to something better.  I am excited to see this change  within the industry as most artists lack on so many levels to me.  Where's the showmanship and why the f&^& is auto tune excepted? that's not real that breeds a enforcement where everybody and their mother thinks they got what it takes.  They don't.  Here's another point, music venues will be built for talent they shouldn't be built for talent that doesn't exist.  It's become dry, under impressive and these places aren't making the money they used to because the talent isn't what it used to be.  I'm tired of getting into it with musicians I interview, the good ones understand this.  Working at one of the best jazz clubs in the world and seeing the talent I see only certain people stop me and slap me in the face with how great they are.

There is no better artist then a live one.  There is no better time to bring back this era, then right now.  Im not setteling for this kind of music anymore, I'm creating another kind of style thats real and honest although I know exactly what I'm up against.  Here's to the good fight.

Sample Tracks for 1950's Vision

Dani & The Mad Men™

There's been a lot of behind the scene's work on my next musical adventure.  The sample tracks are out and the image is already underway.  This is my dream vision and now you can hear just a touch of what Dani & The Mad Men™ is all about!

http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

Where The %$#^ Is She?

She is beautiful.  Not the kind thats try hard or overdone. fake or untouchable.  Red lip, flowing hair and painted nails.  High waisted skirts, soft delicate skin.  I see her.  Curves in the places a woman should have them regardless of her actual figure.  She is stunning, she is timeless and classic.  She laughs playfully drinking something on the rocks.  She's an image of something protected mostly guarded yet carelessly open and playful.  Her lashes bat and she holds all her strength and presence in an effortless glow.  Where is she?  Sexy, polished, loving, charming, classic and real.  She holds herself like a prize to be won, a prize worth more then money can buy.  High heels, black liner, men stop and open the door for her men stop and light her cigarette.  The way she holds herself is something that makes people stop and watch.  Every eye is on her and she knows it but not in a way thats controlling in a way thats sincere.  She's a magnet, she's contagious, she brings you to her and you may not know why.   She will cry, she will be brilliant, she just will be. She already is.  

I know I see her but too often see a woman thats given up, lost possibly finding herself again.  In remission, in the depths of a recession.  She's there but not fully herself, what if she was fully herself?  

I walked into a Walmart the other day which is rare all in itself.  I stopped right before I checked out and saw women all around me, they almost looked like shadows.  All in what looked to be pi's, hair in a mess walking like robots.  No expression, now I know this was just Walmart but I still couldn't find this woman I describe above.  Although I know that each of them has it none of them actually knew it.  It was sad and odd.  None of them knew that the outside is a reflection of the inside.  Maybe they just ran out of the house, I'm guilty of that.  Maybe they have 4 kids and no time, I get it but there's something telling me that that isn't it.  Sure looks aren't everything, I know but come on YOUR IN PUBLIC.  In the comforts of my own home all I want is sweats and a t-shirt but thats in the comfort of those who know me.  

This is to the beautiful woman, all of you.  Everyone of you, ALL.  The size 2(bitch;-) to the size 18, we are altogether.  We are not separate.  See yourself as your most beautiful self.  Never let anyone take that away from you.  You don't need to loss weight, you are perfect.  Because no-one is like you, you are unique. Put on some lipstick and give a damn.  If you don't see yourself as beautiful, no one will.  There's no-one feeling sorry for yourself, but you.  Come on this isn't a competition, this is a celebration because when your beautiful in the inside your outside tells the whole world that.  GIve a shit for yourself not for anyone else but you.  Your beautiful no-one needs to tell you that, in fact do an exercise for me.  Tell yourself your beautiful until you believe it and watch what happens, others around you will notice it and start in turn telling you of your beauty because it's from within.   

This is to the charming woman I respect, the ones that hold their own when I was weak I looked to you.  To my sisters, going out with them pretty much sums up the energy they hold, I was lucky to get a fraction of it.  Their spirit is beyond generous, their hearts are beyond open and their beauty only gets better with age.  

To my beautiful mother for always being classic, always being real and teaching a little girl that beauty comes from within and the outside will follow.  

Reinvention

I get to do New York City by myself this time.  There is no more liberating feeling then that, where I once felt slighty caged the greatest gift was being freed.  When I think about walking the many endless streets of Manhattan I already feel proud because its my own.  On my own dime, with my own survival instinct.

This place isn't for everyone its dirty, rough and unforgiving.  It chews you up, spits you out gives you a little but takes much more.  It's confusing, packed..perfect.  Even though I only had 5 brief months with it, I wanted more.  I wasn't done with it and never should of left but like I said it was all supposed to happen although it could have been a smoother ride.  My situation couldn't have been any worst in my opinion because I lived it but you know what I did that I did a little thing called-


re·in·vent  verb (used with object)

- to invent again or anew, especially without knowing that the invention already exists.

-to remake or make over, as in a different form.

-to bring back; revive: to reinvent trust and accountability.

You didnt think I was eating cookies and crying all day, did you?  Sure moments happen but come my  situation still doesn't make sense and it NEVER will.  Whats the fucking point?  You protect yourself first and thats the point of it all.  Keep yourself close, hold on and shut up and listen to what you need.  No excuses, have a moment to yourself in fact have many.  Your relationship with number one (yourself) will determine how your number two relationship (partner) goes.  

NYC the first time wasn't for me it was for someone else and then we were hardly there and another move was presented really without any thought.  I daydream about when I step off the plane on NY soil.  I have a feeling that my smile will be bigger then it has ever been, it will be a sense of relief that all the broken pieces of the last couple of months finally fell back into place.  My recovery has been interesting but I am thankful that one I was smart enough to reinvent and two brave enough to conquer Manhattan by myself.  Plus I dont have to answer to anyone but myself.

Life is good, isnt it?

The Nail & The Hammer

Delicate, soft, purely untouched gift so innocent to this big bad world.  Her fingers stretched out to the sky if only she knew she had hands.  Hands that will build sand castles, hands that will hold her own child.  Hands that will touch a million surfaces.

When I held her I knew nothing was actually that serious or sad.  Its such a speck of reality we think we live in.  When you hold a baby girl, when you touch the softness of her bald head you see that in that moment their life is the most simple it will ever be.  As an adult your needs and wants grow as a child all you need is the basics.  

My heart is already in love with her, with all of them.  Being an auntie holds such a pride fullness, such an extreme honest love that I never knew I had until children came into my life.  When I sometimes think of the last couple of hellish months, I surround myself with children and it all goes away.  It just doesn't matter anymore.  

Children have this unique ability to bring you right back into the present moment.  A moment adults seem to want to escape.  When you grow up and the needs and wants grow its like a constant list taking you ever so far away from where you are.  The future, the past never the now.  Someone very dear to me once told me "if you are always focusing on the future and dwelling in your past, when are you actually here?'  Are you actually enjoying it fully?  

When you watch a child hammer nails into a tree for 30 minutes I see determination and a undeveloped sense of time.  They don't live following a clock, they don't understand 5 minutes or 10 miles.  They see the nail and they see the tree and then they have their imagination.   An imagination stronger then the nails themselves, I watched him hammer nails and I never wanted that side of this little boy to grow.  I always want him to play, to never fully understand time and to always use his imagination.  They are so simple.  

When I hold Hartlee and already see a change in her face after one week, I know that I have entered a period in my life when I have gotten too consumed with time that I can no longer catchup with it.  Don't you feel like that sometimes?  Don't you feel like certain events take you further away, only if you let them.  When I see my babies grow I am reminded that although 26 is right around the corner I still feel like a child when I'm in the presence of one.  I want to hammer nails into trees and not wonder how long it took me to do so.  I want to play in the fall leaves, I want to get my clothes dirty and have mud on my face.  Now how can you tell me that that isn't life?   

How Much Debt Do You Carry?

I heard a profound quote the other day and it goes a little something like this...

A person is not how they treat their friends but how they deal with their enemies.

 I heard this and stopped and pondered at how simple yet complex this statement was.  Such truth in someone's overall character, some people never get this.  They think they can brush it off, sweep under the rug and shrug their shoulders as if it magically goes away.  IT DOESN'T.  I have been talking about this for a long time now that one creates a debt both good and bad with enemies or friends.  It's like a tide in the ocean that slowly creeps up into the sand overtime.  It may not always be visible but its there.  You put on your best poker face, shades and all and blindly walk through life never really acknowledging your debt.  But like any debt good or bad its like a third arm, its a part of you and only certain conscious beings can sense it.  I can see it all around me this third arm syndrome.  What people don't get is that this debt is fairly easy to clear but acknowledgment is needed in doing so.  Also a certain combination of forgiveness, respect and maturity.

When you observe your life one usually can shed some light on something that was clearly handled with disgrace.  If you quiet yourself long enough it will come from your belly to your spine and up into your brain that something went clearly wrong or clearly right.  It will require a small amount of feeling on your behalf and courage in saying that you fucked up or couldn't of done it any other way.  Admitting wrongs isn't easy, saying it was justified is a poor excuse creating even more debt.

Masking, replacing, guilt, lack of acknowledgment and having no time to heal are all part of the poker face.  It's still there, its a part of you and will remain a part of you no matter how much time passes you will always remember the taste someone left in your mouth.   Isn't life too short for all of this?  Why carry this with you and too bad you can't just cut it out of your life because it IS your life.  The book you write is so unique to yourself so when you read it stop at all the many chapters and acknowledge the charaters in it.  Did you do the right thing?  Can you clear that debt today?  Has too much time passed?  Did that make me feel good, did that make someone feel bad?

It's a crazy messed up world, no doubt but when I look at my credit score it makes me happy.  When I read my book and see my characters I am proud.  I wonder if the same is true for you.  Stop, reflect and learn and answer my question..How much personal debt do you carry?

Not Having a Bed

So I haven't had my own bed since May.25th, that's when I started living out of a suitcase which let me tell you HAS BEEN THE BEST TIME EVER!  Not only have I been completely nomadic but have also been without a consistent bed of my own, wait correction a ROOM of my own.  Laundry baskets and a suitcase filled with my life, my car has become my only real place.  Back and forth, life in multiple places sometimes I wonder if I deserved all of this?  What did I do?  The first couple of months were fine but now I'm pissed.  Nothing is more upsetting then a very bad immature breakup and then on-top of it not having a space is a whole new low for me.  

Since May.25th I have been stripped which is okay but I can only go so long, I can only take so much.  I am only one person.  I have done good and nobody around me has had such in intimate relationship with strength then I.  So I haven't had a bed, I know its just stuff but nothing feels more lonely then to not have a place of your own.  It's been long enough.   

Thank goodness the ticket to move to Manhattan has been booked for Oct.24th.  I paint a lovely picture of my new room.  A creative fresh and clean space of my own filled with my own things in their perfect little place.  My place, my home.  I know exactly what it's going to look like I paint this picture everyday in my mind.  That's how I know things are getting better.  I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, my journey is taking me to something great.  I already did great things with the months in Minnesota.  I have seen 75 live shows, got my vision for the project, and put myself back together.  So maybe I don't have a bed right now but soon enough I will.  So I don't have a space of my own but in a few weeks I will.  

I never knew of my patience even though I'm at the last little bit of it.  I never knew of strength until I held my head up high and kept walking.  I never knew of courage until I left something that wasn't right.  I didn't know trust until I found it in myself and no-one knows real love until they have loved themselves first.   

If all I need is a bed and space I think I have done well considering my last year.  The most remarkable thing of all is that I didn't walk away from this with anger, distrust or an unwillingness to forgive and that my friends is a beautiful way to be.

I'm ready to have my space, my home and a bed to lay my head down at night.  And it doesn't hurt that  it will be in the greatest city in the world!