Although it may not seem like a big deal but today I say thank you for those of you that continuously read my blog. A Window Opens hit 3,000 views today in multiple countries and I just want to express my gratitude for the support and the support to come.
This blog was originally created as an outlet for me while recovering from a hardship and it ended up turning into a beautiful place where I can express my music, thoughts and feelings about our current state of affairs. I write because I love doing it not because I feel like I need to. I write about things that inspire me, things that I love and also simple day to day observations. My adventures, falling from grace, picking myself back up while always wearing a smile throughout. You have experienced my very unusual situation while rekindling my love affair with music. You have seen me fail while turning to my art to breath life into me again. Its not from a bragging place or a place that's not sincere, I have great days and I have bad days..that's life. Its not to convince you that my way is the best way, it's to inspire thought while chasing a stage I hold so closely to my soul.
It's been an open book for me to share with you how hard it is sometimes to be 26 creating something out of thin air while mending a broken heart. It inspires me to read old articles of where I was to where I am now.
There's beauty in having your toes touch rock-bottom, evenually you will realise how precious that moment was for you gained humility in knowing that life is sometimes hard but you have the ability to bounce back when you choose to do so.
I say thank you, I get messages from you and you have no idea how awesome that feels to know that I have helped or inspired someone. Lets make it 3,000 more...
-Dani
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sleepless in Manhattan
So no one sleeps here. I have talked to countless people that just don't sleep, my roommate being one of them. Its like there nocturnal state of a wondering mind, of too many thoughts that can't be shut off. As I say its not like your going to loss those thoughts but rather shut them off so one can sleep. Your beautiful spirit is like a computer, it needs to reboot. I on the other hand don't know how to not sleep. Although I probably stay up later then I should, my mind slowly drifts off and once my eyes shut its lights out for this girl.
I wonder what mind can't be tamed enough to allow this nature progression. What could be so important that one would neglect such a beautiful state of recovery. Your mind needs to be protected, needs to be turned off. Is something so important that you can't deal with it in the morning when you've had time to recover. It's not like these people are on crack but someone I met the other day said they haven't slept in 3 days. How unfortunate and even more exhausting, then they start to worry about not sleeping creating even more anxiety about sleeping. The sleepless cycle continues and so on and so forth.
Sleep is as important as air itself. It's as important as the water you drink and the food you consume. Your body creates a sleep debt and keeps tabs on your regeneration. Why would you take this away? Why would you assume that this shouldn't be a priority. Do everything you can in one day and leave the rest to the next. Do your best everyday, go easier on yourself and breath for the next day is a new one. It's like all their days are running into one very long one.
People work very hard here, I will give them that. This is such an ambitious quality very unique to New Yorkers but I don't admire one that works so hard that they neglect themselves. It reads on their face how exhausted they have become and I wonder if they are truly happy running themselves on an empty tank. Even when I go into my local watering hole you will see people having a drink and writing notes on the bar napkins. They are constantly going, thinking, creating. I love the ambition but do they ever really soulfully enjoy the train they are on. Could they ever get off it, even if they wanted to?
DO a days work in a days time.
DO allow yourself time to relax.
DO believe that those thoughts won't go away.
DO sleep like a baby every time your head hits the pillow.
Don't be an idiot and think that you are superman and can go without sleep.
I wonder what mind can't be tamed enough to allow this nature progression. What could be so important that one would neglect such a beautiful state of recovery. Your mind needs to be protected, needs to be turned off. Is something so important that you can't deal with it in the morning when you've had time to recover. It's not like these people are on crack but someone I met the other day said they haven't slept in 3 days. How unfortunate and even more exhausting, then they start to worry about not sleeping creating even more anxiety about sleeping. The sleepless cycle continues and so on and so forth.
Sleep is as important as air itself. It's as important as the water you drink and the food you consume. Your body creates a sleep debt and keeps tabs on your regeneration. Why would you take this away? Why would you assume that this shouldn't be a priority. Do everything you can in one day and leave the rest to the next. Do your best everyday, go easier on yourself and breath for the next day is a new one. It's like all their days are running into one very long one.
People work very hard here, I will give them that. This is such an ambitious quality very unique to New Yorkers but I don't admire one that works so hard that they neglect themselves. It reads on their face how exhausted they have become and I wonder if they are truly happy running themselves on an empty tank. Even when I go into my local watering hole you will see people having a drink and writing notes on the bar napkins. They are constantly going, thinking, creating. I love the ambition but do they ever really soulfully enjoy the train they are on. Could they ever get off it, even if they wanted to?
DO a days work in a days time.
DO allow yourself time to relax.
DO believe that those thoughts won't go away.
DO sleep like a baby every time your head hits the pillow.
Don't be an idiot and think that you are superman and can go without sleep.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Barbara Walters Is a Fan Moment
Direct quote-
"This isn't your real job, so what is it that you do?" said Barbara Walters.
"No just a temporary thing, I'm a singer/songwriter starting a 1950's blues band" I reply.
"Keep up with it and good luck to you, maybe one day I will interview you" says Babs.
(Dani smiles and shakes her hand and wants to jump up and down like a little girl). Yet another moment locked in my memory as pretty fucking awesome.
So I work with a lot of high profile individuals, while remaining unnamed the origins in which I work its pretty cool that I get to see some very amazing people. Not that the fame is anything but that I admire their strength and stubbornness with their art whatever that may be. Sometimes the secret while in transition is to always know that whatever you need to do to make money and support yourself is a temporary thing. People notice this, the way you carry yourself always exuding grace and positivity. People aren't dumb in fact they can read something in you or not. I know I can, what about you?
I got to meet someone very passionate about her art and maybe she saw "that something" that I hold with the up most protection in my heart. She was kind and smiled and although I can only hope to have a fraction of her ability, she still rubbed off on me a little bit that day.
I told her what I do without a flicker of nervousness or fear that she would shut me down, in fact she was the opposite of that. Being scared or intimidated is your own weakness and is caused by lack of confidence and fear for what it is your creating. You don't have time for this, in fact its something you yourself have manifested. Quiet this now or it will forever hold you back. In this life there is no time, jump without a net. Fall in love like a fool and tell everyone what it is your trying to create this only makes it more clear. Thats how I see things.
So maybe one day I will be on The View and I can tell Barbara how on that day I got a little more determined to conquer my dream. I got a little more stubborn in figuring out this process and how on that day I knew I could hold myself alongside someone like Babs.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Dani & The Mad Men™
2 Brand New Tracks for Dani & The Mad Men™
One dedicated to Etta James and the other original is a song called Home.
http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller
Oh and my first fully written original called Replaced all recorded with a fabulous guitar player! Life is good..only 10 more to go and we got ourselves a Blues showcase!
For your listening pleasure, Stay tuned..
-Dani
Mind Body & Soul, The Checking In Moment
Doing a checkup on yourself with a honest look. Checking in since you work so hard sometimes without even acknowledging it. How beautiful your body still works under stress and pressure. Through heartache and pain sometimes you forget to say thank you for all its hard work. You beat it up, hold it down, eat like shit and drink more then you should. You tell lies, stay up too late and smoke too much but its still there. Still on your side even through some destruction. Its so resilient, quiet and calm as you sleep like a baby time after time.
Mind- Be careful of what you put in this space. Watch your thoughts as a guardian would do. You are what you think, you are what you believe. Not being in control of your mind is just as destructive as being too in control. Strike a balance with your thoughts, how you feel and how you choose to react. Your not on auto-pilot. Through meditation I have been taught this, probably why I stayed so sane after the destructiveness of my last breakup. Breath and always fill your mind with gratitude and peace in knowing that all happens for a reason. You are always taken care of, it always works out for you, if you believe this then you will always be taken care of. You are what you believe and what you perceive as truth. Regardless of what has happened, let it go and start fresh everyday while keeping those that genuinely love you close. Nothing is too extreme for you to handle, always be aware of how you view the things in your life. If you have a pulse, you are doing just fine. Be thankful for the small basic things while working on the bigger issues. Check in with yourself.
Body- What you feed it, what you put into it will reflect itself on the outside. Too much drinking, not enough water and eating shit for food reflects on your face and how youthful you feel. Make choices (and some bad ones from time to time) always keeping in mind that this is for energy not for pleasure (well sometimes pleasure). I live in NYC where the choices are endless but for me grabbing my knife and cutting through fresh produce makes me feel more fulfilled then eating the most expensive meal. Be careful of how you feel after you consume something this will tell you how your body digests it's nourishment. Watch your choices and if its not real in perception then why would you put something fake into a body that needs you. You can change that now each day offers you a chance to renew it that's the beauty in this whole thing. Just check in with yourself.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Soul- This is my most favorite element, not to play favorites but this side of you takes more time. The mind and body can be switched on and changed just by bringing awareness to change. The soul is much more complex. Imagine a blank slate over the years it gets written on and its your only truth of what makes you well you. Some cultures believe that your eyes are the gateway to your soul, having children in my life makes me a believer of this. You can't bottle the way a child looks at things. I wrote about this before but if and when someone is stripped of everything they will not have the money they made in this life or their surroundings. They won't have anything physical all they will have is themselves whichever qualities that may be. Its not set in stone whom your meant to be, you can always be more honest, more real and more grateful. Whatever you want to be can be worked on here. The "bigger picture qualities" live here. Cutting out all the bullshit, how you were built has a home here. This center of yourself doesn't know how to lie, only your mind does. Your mind can make up many things to kill the blow of the truth. Just check in with yourself.
It's not so much too ask that from time to time you ask yourself where you are. It's a progression and nothing that should cause any anxiety for you. I just think its important to look with an honest eye after what you have been though if you have stayed on course or have gotten off a little bit either way it can always be fixed. If any of this seems like work, then you haven't done it in awhile so now is the time. Just check in with yourself.
Mind- Be careful of what you put in this space. Watch your thoughts as a guardian would do. You are what you think, you are what you believe. Not being in control of your mind is just as destructive as being too in control. Strike a balance with your thoughts, how you feel and how you choose to react. Your not on auto-pilot. Through meditation I have been taught this, probably why I stayed so sane after the destructiveness of my last breakup. Breath and always fill your mind with gratitude and peace in knowing that all happens for a reason. You are always taken care of, it always works out for you, if you believe this then you will always be taken care of. You are what you believe and what you perceive as truth. Regardless of what has happened, let it go and start fresh everyday while keeping those that genuinely love you close. Nothing is too extreme for you to handle, always be aware of how you view the things in your life. If you have a pulse, you are doing just fine. Be thankful for the small basic things while working on the bigger issues. Check in with yourself.
Body- What you feed it, what you put into it will reflect itself on the outside. Too much drinking, not enough water and eating shit for food reflects on your face and how youthful you feel. Make choices (and some bad ones from time to time) always keeping in mind that this is for energy not for pleasure (well sometimes pleasure). I live in NYC where the choices are endless but for me grabbing my knife and cutting through fresh produce makes me feel more fulfilled then eating the most expensive meal. Be careful of how you feel after you consume something this will tell you how your body digests it's nourishment. Watch your choices and if its not real in perception then why would you put something fake into a body that needs you. You can change that now each day offers you a chance to renew it that's the beauty in this whole thing. Just check in with yourself.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Soul- This is my most favorite element, not to play favorites but this side of you takes more time. The mind and body can be switched on and changed just by bringing awareness to change. The soul is much more complex. Imagine a blank slate over the years it gets written on and its your only truth of what makes you well you. Some cultures believe that your eyes are the gateway to your soul, having children in my life makes me a believer of this. You can't bottle the way a child looks at things. I wrote about this before but if and when someone is stripped of everything they will not have the money they made in this life or their surroundings. They won't have anything physical all they will have is themselves whichever qualities that may be. Its not set in stone whom your meant to be, you can always be more honest, more real and more grateful. Whatever you want to be can be worked on here. The "bigger picture qualities" live here. Cutting out all the bullshit, how you were built has a home here. This center of yourself doesn't know how to lie, only your mind does. Your mind can make up many things to kill the blow of the truth. Just check in with yourself.
It's not so much too ask that from time to time you ask yourself where you are. It's a progression and nothing that should cause any anxiety for you. I just think its important to look with an honest eye after what you have been though if you have stayed on course or have gotten off a little bit either way it can always be fixed. If any of this seems like work, then you haven't done it in awhile so now is the time. Just check in with yourself.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
First Track of Dani & The Mad Men™ Recorded
Oh dear god I am like a kid in a candy store!! This is my baby, I could not be more excited to be working with Nicholas Lancaster. We are breathing life into this project and this is the first track recorded with a guitar in under 3 takes. I am so proud.
http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller
WHHHHOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!
-Dani-
Monday, November 14, 2011
You Will One Day Stand Naked
I wonder sometimes where the respect has gone in our society, if it was ever here to begin with. This class system we live in gives some a certain arrogant level of entitlement especially in New York. You don't know me, I haven't given my shoes for you to walk in. Some days I just loss faith in people. I see the good, the bad and the ugly and let me tell you Manhattan has more ugly sometimes. I sometimes wonder who people think they are and how shitty they must sleep at night. Its like we don't even work together anymore, its like we are all for ourselves. What a life I tell you. Its like a see people yelling at each other on the streets and I was treated like complete shit today and I just wonder what the point of it all is. Does it really make you feel better? Does it make things easier being a complete dick? Being so mad that you carry it on your shoulder as a constant reminder of your own pain, a pain no one feels but you. Being so arrogant to others feelings that you never truly feel understood. I wonder sometimes where the respect has gone. Fellow friend and people I brush by, peoples faces you encounter that you'll never truly meet and never truly know when its all said and done whats the point of not being kindhearted.
I'm not trying to get all peacemaker tree hugger on your ass but I mean honestly look around you. I wonder where the respect has gone. I see on a rare occasion the man who opens the door for someone else or the person that helps a little old lady cross the street. Imagine what a world we would live in if everyday we got out of our ego and helped someone without expecting something in return. How beautiful this world would be if we didn't get worked up over stupid shit, if we had more patience with others and if everyday we practiced kindness from a genuine source. Its true that what goes around comes around, wouldn't it be beautiful to see what you would get in return.
I get so tired of seeing the ugly around me, I want everyone to be beautiful. To feel what its like to sleep knowing that you practice kindness. When you strip away money, clothes and jewelry you will one day stand naked. Exposed. You will be nothing more then whom you say you are and nothing more then the way you treated others. The lack of the materialistic will shed a naked soul. A soul that people can read because the distractions will be gone. What will you have? Your experiences, the people that touched your life but always keep in mind what others would say. When naked, what will they remember? What has been imprinted from you to their memory? For however brief or long, what would they say verse what you would want them to say?
You touch lives in every way for however brief and one day you will stand naked lets hope its not written in tattoos how rotten you might have been...
Sunday, November 13, 2011
To Marry An Irish Man Moment
So my roommate is from Ireland, it doesn't get more Irish then her. Which is to say we are very much kindred spirits and when it comes to her overall disposition about life she couldn't get more realistically honest. She understands where I am in life, even though in cumulative age she's wiser. She was once me trying to create something here in Manhattan she was 28 and I am 26, but still understands my frustration on some days but she also gets that I have the same thing in me that was once in her, still is in her. She's wildly creative, honestly passionate and by default trusting and honest to the ends of the earth. Irish people are this way, they very much are whom they say they are although reserved once cracked they would do anything for you.
I just love Irish people, when saying that it is so important that you are whom you say you are the Irish just know how to do it. Now I know I'm generalizing here but this weekend I sat with 6 Irish men, all from different parts of Ireland. Yeah the odds were in my favor. Instantly you can feel the warmth of these people, you can see it in their eyes and too often with American boys I feel like I have something to prove. With them I sensed their family as being the center, which says a lot about who you are. There is nothing more important to them and that grounds and centers them in my eyes. Doesn't that just make sense? When it comes to family nothing brings you back to yourself then them, they have known you the longest after all. Not knowing someones family is like knowing a shell of a person you see the outside but will never really get to the inside.
There is no more chivalrous man then an Irish man, ok so maybe not all but overall they take care of their woman and not in a materialistic kind of way but in a genuine protective means. You feel that they wouldn't purposely try to go behind your back, cheat you or try to be a dick. I sat with all of them and my roommate and I laughed, drank and realized then that I will marry an Irish Man. Not any of the ones I met that night but in general the qualities shown to me were so refreshing and honest. No bullshit, no lies, no distrust, NO EGO, just honest, real and solid. A rock of a man, I miss this quality and have been fooled by men thinking they have this quality. I don't want scared, shell of a person kind of guy living in a delusional world. I want someone with the family structure I come from (which is rare) the Irish get this.
So perhaps the moral of this story is that in the end I will end up with an Irish man. For his genuine qualities, qualities that you can not fake. Qualities that at first impression you just sense. After being lied to, cheated on and with someone whom was a good actor..it was refreshing to be around 6 Irish men, the real deal if you ask me.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
If Something Seems Too Good To Be True, It Probably Is..
The biggest lesson I have learned is that when something seems to good to be true, it probably is. This is not to say that one should live or love with caution but to be aware. When things move faster then they should, its probably for a hidden agenda. This is ok, this is part of the learning process. So often as humans we roll through life on auto-pilot, continuing on with the motions never really giving any time to process. Someone once told me, if you are living for your perceived future and dwelling in the past, when are you actually here? Its a very interesting time, the time in which you live in the moment, a moment you will never have again.
Timing also has something to do with it. Timing works with you, goes against you but the best part about it is that you can always change it. Take it on, try harder and be better. Life throws you curve balls, to remind you of your pulse to show you that your blood is still alive, still moving. There is no reason to rush it, to live in pretend, life doesn't care about what you perceive as your own lies or rather your own truth. It resurfaces you always trying to bring you back to the true reality. It makes you smarter and more aware, take this on as a time for your personal journey. Live in slight caution but always take risks, understand the risks and change and adapt to them.
I don't care about the crazy of others, eventually you learn to close the door behind you and continue on. Always keep your head up and realise whom you want in your life verse those that are too unaware and hurtful. It has nothing to do with you, its part of your beautiful journey. Another quote I always hear is that everything happens for a reason. Its so simple and true and that's a small part of the meaning of life.
So jump, be slightly careless and always give gratitude to all the bad that happens because there is beauty in being resilient and learning from mistakes whether or not they are yours or from someone else. This is also a part of true happiness, something only you can find for yourself.
Timing also has something to do with it. Timing works with you, goes against you but the best part about it is that you can always change it. Take it on, try harder and be better. Life throws you curve balls, to remind you of your pulse to show you that your blood is still alive, still moving. There is no reason to rush it, to live in pretend, life doesn't care about what you perceive as your own lies or rather your own truth. It resurfaces you always trying to bring you back to the true reality. It makes you smarter and more aware, take this on as a time for your personal journey. Live in slight caution but always take risks, understand the risks and change and adapt to them.
I don't care about the crazy of others, eventually you learn to close the door behind you and continue on. Always keep your head up and realise whom you want in your life verse those that are too unaware and hurtful. It has nothing to do with you, its part of your beautiful journey. Another quote I always hear is that everything happens for a reason. Its so simple and true and that's a small part of the meaning of life.
So jump, be slightly careless and always give gratitude to all the bad that happens because there is beauty in being resilient and learning from mistakes whether or not they are yours or from someone else. This is also a part of true happiness, something only you can find for yourself.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The Creative Process Is Like a Plant..
My interviewing process consists of sitting across from someone that I admire musically. Most people in this world are connectors for me and also for you. Not that it is wise to use people but to use them as connectors is the fundamental idea of networking. You get within an industry that exists, that you want to break into. You can't be shy, you have to be trusting to this process unfortunately people are only as good as their face value. Most people think their face value is actually better then it will turn out to be. Everyone'sidea of themselves is bias because of course we don't say the bad and the ugly we say the hopeful and polished truth. A truth that one can only communicate not that they can show me a record of all the times that they helped an old lady cross the street or held the door open for a woman. They can't show me the common decency that I can only hope we all have. No, this is unrealistic and part of the frustration.
You must always give credit to the ones that paved the way, any way for the next. When you have a vision and hold it with promise and faith that to you its real, this is all that's needed. Then the people almost get attracted to you because now you are aware enough to look for it, seek it out. You get signs all around you, signs you may have never noticed before. Its a beautiful process, not always easy but part of the journey. You take it in stride, turn to the ones that love and support you and continue on. I love the interviews because they open another realm of this process that I may not have understood/noticed before. Its one giant brainstorm, this is essential to the creative process . The creativeness is like a plant, you water it and thrives you neglect it and it dies. You nurture it and give it what it needs, take the needs a way and you have no plant. It dies, you replant it. It grows vines and you find a wall for the leaves to cling to. Any good idea needs people, every great idea needs nurturing. Its within this process that most give up, doubt sets in. Fear, anxiety, lack of confidence and a shyness to your surroundings happens here. Its those that prevail that make it to the next step. This is where one becomes stubborn, solid within the doubt only creating more strength. Watch anyone with an idea fail here, when little did they know that this was just the beginning. A test, a test to see if they really do want it. Prevail and see what happens. In everything you do realise that the bad comes with good, the indecent comes with the decent and that beauty comes with the ugly..otherwise how would we know the difference. We have to understand both side of the coin, the contrast. This is life. Then you decide what to do with it. Grow it or kill it, become it or run from it..breath life into it or watch it die in front of you.
When I get to sit with very talented musicians, I come with open admiring eyes. In the moment I am not less to them, in that moment they haven't created more then I. When you come with a pure good intent to learn, who would not want to teach? NYC may be competitive but not when you have created something organically your own then its on a creative level. This should be shared. So I can't assume that everyone is whom they say they are but I am believer that I will know the difference.
You must always give credit to the ones that paved the way, any way for the next. When you have a vision and hold it with promise and faith that to you its real, this is all that's needed. Then the people almost get attracted to you because now you are aware enough to look for it, seek it out. You get signs all around you, signs you may have never noticed before. Its a beautiful process, not always easy but part of the journey. You take it in stride, turn to the ones that love and support you and continue on. I love the interviews because they open another realm of this process that I may not have understood/noticed before. Its one giant brainstorm, this is essential to the creative process . The creativeness is like a plant, you water it and thrives you neglect it and it dies. You nurture it and give it what it needs, take the needs a way and you have no plant. It dies, you replant it. It grows vines and you find a wall for the leaves to cling to. Any good idea needs people, every great idea needs nurturing. Its within this process that most give up, doubt sets in. Fear, anxiety, lack of confidence and a shyness to your surroundings happens here. Its those that prevail that make it to the next step. This is where one becomes stubborn, solid within the doubt only creating more strength. Watch anyone with an idea fail here, when little did they know that this was just the beginning. A test, a test to see if they really do want it. Prevail and see what happens. In everything you do realise that the bad comes with good, the indecent comes with the decent and that beauty comes with the ugly..otherwise how would we know the difference. We have to understand both side of the coin, the contrast. This is life. Then you decide what to do with it. Grow it or kill it, become it or run from it..breath life into it or watch it die in front of you.
When I get to sit with very talented musicians, I come with open admiring eyes. In the moment I am not less to them, in that moment they haven't created more then I. When you come with a pure good intent to learn, who would not want to teach? NYC may be competitive but not when you have created something organically your own then its on a creative level. This should be shared. So I can't assume that everyone is whom they say they are but I am believer that I will know the difference.
Monday, November 7, 2011
The 42 Clinton Street Moment
I stood outside in the cold by myself. The 42 was still painted on a piece of cardboard, the entrance was still missing a door. I stood there, and couldn't really move. I saw the window, I saw myself on the fire-escape. I was there, at one time I was there and I wasn't alone. My hands touched the marble entrance and all I did was stand there. I remember everything within that tiny place and I don't know why I didn't really feel anything. It kind of felt like a dream, something that was so real but at the same time wasn't. I looked up at it, walked passed it then came back and a part of me actually wanted to ring the buzzer. I wanted to put my keys in the door, turn the key and see him there. I wanted to check the mail and walkup to the rooftop where I used to write music. I wanted to come in and see the garbage waiting by the door, the high ceilings, the gray couch, the oversized bed just so I could say that it was one big fucking nightmare. But all I did was just stand there, unmoved. I didn't really feel alone or mad. I was sad, really sad not sad enough to cry but still just sad.
I was at the old apartment. The scene of the crime, the calm before our storm. It's not to say I would change anything but its weird what you can and can't face. This was a tough one to look at, I guess thats part of the recovery. I guess thats something I took with me without even knowing it. Its weird what memories one decides to store I wish more of them were worst, but what I took as memories weren't all that bad. Within those tiny walls, it wasn't a train-wreck sure things weren't always ideal but within that space they were okay. This was the last time we were okay and then all the sudden we weren't.
I often walk past it and every time stop out front, does a part of me still think I live there? Maybe theres a part of me still there. A part of me that never wanted to leave, a part of a girl that just believed in something that wasn't there. Its weird, I have no answer for it I guess its just part of things. I still walk past it and stop even though it never was my place and isn't my place now. So a part of me still wonders, why stop?
Thursday, November 3, 2011
The Finding Of Another Womans Shirt Moment
So I often get asked where the vision for this project came from. It didn't just come out of the blue for me, it was the recovery process from being with someone entirely crazy and egotistical. Lets just say I didn't know him very well, we moved very fast and now I can see why.
Lets backtrack shall we. We met in Minnesota and within 5 months found out that his job was transferring him to NYC, we said yes. Then 2 months into NYC, he gets an offer in London and we move within 5 months of hardly being in NYC. He moves out May.15 and I move back to Minnesota for the next month awaiting my departure. On June.25th I fly to London and he is a completely different person. 2 days into London I find a woman's shirt, white, size medium in a European brand ummm and one minor detail its NOT MINE. He denies it. Couple days later I go through his phone (which I would never do but had probable cause) find naked pictures of a woman oh one major problem they WEREN'T OF ME. And text messages saying that he's met another girl (also not me). He again denies it. On July.5th and within 4 hours of finding out everything I'm on a flight back to Minnesota (first class baby) within a week I find out that he's joined a dating service in London while trying to work things out with me. We shared a bank account, that's how I found out. I tell him to not speak to me for 6 months, he begs me to give him a month and I stupidly give in. A MONTH into not talking I find out that he already has a girlfriend in London via newspaper articles that he sent me due to the London riots. Talk about an ouch moment, that was so much fun for me. This is when I began to understand who he really was for the very first time.
True colors will always be shown, luckily I only wasted a year. And now its the other woman's problem, if only I could sit down and have a conversation with her, I would save her a lot of confusion regardless of how "honest" their relationship seems. This wasn't normal on any level, till this day it's wildly upsetting to those around me and some days I can't even think about it or it will make me sick. He wasn't right, still isn't right and his history with woman is something no one would desire, although he will always claim to be the victim. He was a great actor though, the best I will give him that but you can't hide your inner struggle forever. If anyone says they love you after 2 months, take it from me its a red flag.
So when I talk about this project and moving home and all the recovery perhaps sometimes my stories could seem a little broken at times. You didn't get all of the details because at first I was protective with it but now I say fu&* it. Its fueled such a beautiful creative process for me. Its not to get sympathy and its not to say that I want to be singer just because. The music is fueled by such an intense experience some of which we all share in. It was crazy and it was someone world that shit on me and that's ok. Through this process I found what truly matters to me. All the lies and bullshit were only meant to bring to me to this place. I don't just sing songs to sing them, I sing them because they are real for me. Its from a deep place that I never got to express. That expression has lead to me writing profound words and even captured the vision I protect today. I did nothing wrong and although I am still civil I still found a woman's shirt that wasn't mine. And that's where Dani & The Mad Men™ comes from, not a shallow place but a place that it real and realness in this world is hard to find.
Lets backtrack shall we. We met in Minnesota and within 5 months found out that his job was transferring him to NYC, we said yes. Then 2 months into NYC, he gets an offer in London and we move within 5 months of hardly being in NYC. He moves out May.15 and I move back to Minnesota for the next month awaiting my departure. On June.25th I fly to London and he is a completely different person. 2 days into London I find a woman's shirt, white, size medium in a European brand ummm and one minor detail its NOT MINE. He denies it. Couple days later I go through his phone (which I would never do but had probable cause) find naked pictures of a woman oh one major problem they WEREN'T OF ME. And text messages saying that he's met another girl (also not me). He again denies it. On July.5th and within 4 hours of finding out everything I'm on a flight back to Minnesota (first class baby) within a week I find out that he's joined a dating service in London while trying to work things out with me. We shared a bank account, that's how I found out. I tell him to not speak to me for 6 months, he begs me to give him a month and I stupidly give in. A MONTH into not talking I find out that he already has a girlfriend in London via newspaper articles that he sent me due to the London riots. Talk about an ouch moment, that was so much fun for me. This is when I began to understand who he really was for the very first time.
True colors will always be shown, luckily I only wasted a year. And now its the other woman's problem, if only I could sit down and have a conversation with her, I would save her a lot of confusion regardless of how "honest" their relationship seems. This wasn't normal on any level, till this day it's wildly upsetting to those around me and some days I can't even think about it or it will make me sick. He wasn't right, still isn't right and his history with woman is something no one would desire, although he will always claim to be the victim. He was a great actor though, the best I will give him that but you can't hide your inner struggle forever. If anyone says they love you after 2 months, take it from me its a red flag.
So when I talk about this project and moving home and all the recovery perhaps sometimes my stories could seem a little broken at times. You didn't get all of the details because at first I was protective with it but now I say fu&* it. Its fueled such a beautiful creative process for me. Its not to get sympathy and its not to say that I want to be singer just because. The music is fueled by such an intense experience some of which we all share in. It was crazy and it was someone world that shit on me and that's ok. Through this process I found what truly matters to me. All the lies and bullshit were only meant to bring to me to this place. I don't just sing songs to sing them, I sing them because they are real for me. Its from a deep place that I never got to express. That expression has lead to me writing profound words and even captured the vision I protect today. I did nothing wrong and although I am still civil I still found a woman's shirt that wasn't mine. And that's where Dani & The Mad Men™ comes from, not a shallow place but a place that it real and realness in this world is hard to find.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Hustle to Save Your A$$
Um let me tell you a little something something. New York ain't easy, you gotta hustle your a$$ off if you even think about staying here. You follow leads which are usually dead, you follow opportunity that's always there but sometimes I walk back into the neighborhood that made me fall in love with NYC to begin with and feel like I got my ass handed to me. There's a lot of running around, navigating that happens. The energy is completely intoxicating, it makes you run. The hustle is pretty epic to watch, the hustle is in every fast paced person. You got to stop within the madness and hold yourself for a minute. It could take you, dispose of you make you feel a tad lost. I'm aware of the beauty within it but also understand the nature of the beast. I watch people run, briskly walk and I wonder where there going and what they are chasing. We are all chasing after something here, that's what I like to watch but now being one of "them" I wonder when and if it will ever run dry. What does dry mean anyways? To slow down, stop finally be content with what you've found. Yikes! Well I'm far from that being in the thick of it all.
Patience. I think patience is a good word for the beginning paragraph. Lets sit with that for a moment. Why hustle so hard when you know you have gold in your pocket. I know it's there so whats the point of feeling like it will run out. I was told from someone VERY wise "your musical journey is a process, it doesn't happen overnight, do everything you can in one day not a weeks worth in one day." Patience. Lets have it if even for a moment. Have it for the slow ass paying for their gas at Holiday in pennies. Have it for the old lady bagging her own groceries. Have it for the children running in the streets blocking your way. Have it for whatever process you are trying to create.
New york has a funny way of making me run but why? I got everything I need, New York you can start coming to me. I'm in high heels mind you and a lady never runs in tricky heels because there is no shortage here. The process is underway so screw that I'm going to hustle each day and no more then that. So New York I love you but back-off and let me do my thing.
Love-
A girl wearing a vintage dress and high heels.
Patience. I think patience is a good word for the beginning paragraph. Lets sit with that for a moment. Why hustle so hard when you know you have gold in your pocket. I know it's there so whats the point of feeling like it will run out. I was told from someone VERY wise "your musical journey is a process, it doesn't happen overnight, do everything you can in one day not a weeks worth in one day." Patience. Lets have it if even for a moment. Have it for the slow ass paying for their gas at Holiday in pennies. Have it for the old lady bagging her own groceries. Have it for the children running in the streets blocking your way. Have it for whatever process you are trying to create.
New york has a funny way of making me run but why? I got everything I need, New York you can start coming to me. I'm in high heels mind you and a lady never runs in tricky heels because there is no shortage here. The process is underway so screw that I'm going to hustle each day and no more then that. So New York I love you but back-off and let me do my thing.
Love-
A girl wearing a vintage dress and high heels.
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