Dear Minnesota

Now that I'm home for the holidays I have come to a major realisation, Manhattan is fast.  Before I blinked I have been there for 2 months and it hardly feels like a week sometimes.  The last 6 months in general feel crazy fast.  After moving like what 4 times, I can tell that I am exhausted.  The truth is that after the crash I would have never survived Manhattan, the 5 months of recovery were so crucial for me to understand Manhattan by myself.  I am so happy I did my recovery in a little place called Minnesota.  

Even though Manhattan is a 3 hour flight away it sometimes feels like another world.  I am home were it is calm and easy and my mind is almost confused with the sudden change in scenery.  I never realised how fast I was running in New York.  Chasing after this thing that ding dong ditches me, as I run out the door into the streets of Manhattan trying to follow it.  I created it afterall its my own fault but in Minnesota I sorta mellow.  Feel less of need to run.

Manhattan is a wonderfully beautiful place that I am fortunate to say that I am conquering but my heart will always be in Minnesota.  Its so familiar and my heart is here because my wonderful family is here and that's so hard sometimes.   I hold baby Hartlee in my hands and wonder how I could ever say goodbye to this beautiful child.  My heart breaks but I know I need to be in Manhattan while I keep one foot on Minnesota soil.  Its the most grounding place on earth.  It slaps me back to my roots, its a nice reality check for me.  It doesn't matter where I go, who I meet, what I do there's a small town girl that will never change.  One that loves the town she was raised in, knowing where all the stop lights are.  All the back roads to get somewhere quicker, what every house looks like leading up to the home that raised me. Manhattan is so unfamiliar and constantly changing that it sometimes gets exhausting trying to keep up with it.  Sometimes we all need familiarity, some things never change.  Although Forest Lake is changing it will always be my home.  The real kinda home, not the home (or creative laboratory) I made in Manhattan but a place that gives me such a peaceful sleep, such a powerful sense of who I am, and when shit hits the fan I know Forest Lake will always be where I go to come back down to reality.

There is no more complicated feeling then to loss your sense of being grounded when in a unfamiliar new place.  It would be the scariest place on earth if I didn't keep something in Minnesota, lucky I placed my heart here.  I heart NYC but I heart Minnesota more.  Minnesota will always win because all my growing happened here. Manhattan will give me my dream and an experience that I will never forget but Minnesota will raise my children.    

Manhattan is a hard, crazy fast place filled with some real assholes that think they have everything (money) but I love when people know I'm not from there because it lights something within myself to say that I'm from some place so real and honest.  A place I call home, a beautiful little place called Minnesota and this makes Manhattan seem like a whimpering little shih tzu where its bark is far worse then it's bite.

The Honest Kinda Love..

When your feet touch a humbleness, when life throws you something unexpected it becomes such a beautiful thing.  Not when your in it sometimes you wonder what the point of it all is but then you wake up one day and realise that your feet touched humanity.  You have become grounded because life just doesn't give a f*&^ sometimes.  I love this moment.  You sluggishly recover and then become awaken to your real reality.  Something better then you ever thought happens.  You stand at a corner and can finally breath a sign of relief that its passed.  You can choose to live in it, rerun it or turn another page and start over.

You rekindle love affairs with yourself and nothing feels as good as it does when you can do it alone.  Your bed doesn't seem so empty and your relationships are full and vibrant again.  People stand with you through it and although you may have lows, they bring you back to your highs.  Life is full of splendid things but its up to you to choose to see them.  Smile, my dear smile.  You are out of it, you have recovered.  You finally get it, and you don't have to live in that mess anymore.

I woke up and finally don't feel him here anymore.  He's finally gone, I don't look for him anymore because I don't need him in the way I was convinced I needed him.  I used to feel him still by me, this is hard for me to explain because physically he is 3,000 miles away but when you have something real it doesn't end in the breakup.  It ends in the recovery.  I don't see his face anymore, and couldn't paint it even if I wanted to.  Its not there anymore.  This is a special time in the grieving process.  He is dead and I didn't bury his body until now.  This may seem morbid but it was equally as intense as it was real to me.  The shock wore off and now I had a ceremony to celebrate the loss that woke me up, finally.

No one will ever understand the pain and heartache of the last few months.  No one stayed up with me as I laid awake wondering how it all happened.  No one protected me, but me.  I would talk about it but never felt understood, they wanted to but no one could imagine the pain.  It was so specific to me.

I can say now that for me I didn't replace how I felt with someone else (so unfair) but I dealt with it head on.  I can say now 6 months later, that it is in fact over for me.  I am happy, I smile and I wouldn't take back a day of it.  I would go through the pain everyday of my life it meant I could just simply love someone with honesty and purity.  Only I know how rare that is.

To the people that honestly love, never let this go...Just try with someone else and see what happens.

Call A Spade a Spade

Call a spade a spade song released.  Lets just get some balls and be whom we say we are.  I heart this new track.

Check it out!

Dani

http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

Not 1 But 2 New Songs For Dani & The Mad Men

Not 1 but 2 freaken new tracks!! You lucky dog you.  One called Black Widow (even though I hate spiders) and another called Believer because I have many that believe and my music and for that I say thank you..

Hope you enjoy-

Now do yourself and favor and listen to some sweet tracks.. http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

-Dani

Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright...

Remember one thing, it always works out in whatever it is you do.  Regardless of the outcome it will either be what you expected or far exceed what you anticipated.  I say this because I can sometimes feel the heightened anxiety of those around me and all I want to do is make them see that everything will be just fine.  Taking risks, letting things get down to the wire, not getting what you want when its convenient for you is all a lesson of patience and having trust in your journey.  

When I first moved here, I didn't have much but overtime knew I would get more.  If I worried about how I was going to make it, I would have left the moment I arrived.  That worry would have eaten me alive and some days it scared me but then I let it go for there's nothing you can do in a weeks time in under a day.  You always have exactly what you need in the moment.  A roof over your head, food in your belly, and air to ingest.  Isn't this simple and perfect enough.  Always chase after and pursue what it is you need to but always keep the faith that when it's right it will happen.  Timing is neither for you or against you, it just is.  You can't change it or manipulate it, it will just happen.  Worry, regret and anxiety is lack of trust in what it is your doing.  It will run you, consume you and spit you out and move onto the next.  Why do you think you can control this?  You can't and that's OK.

Say what it is you think you need, and trust that it will happen.  Not in the moment happen but when it's right it will.  Doesn't that just eliminate any anxiety the moment it starts, or perhaps that only works for me.  This is coming from someone whom is always jumping into shit, but always ends up coming out clean.  Risks are what this life is about, the bigger the risk the bigger the reward or gap between getting it when you want it verse when it actually works out for you.  It's a process so stop snapping your fingers and demanding it.  It will all work out.  

Let me speak from experience, 6 months ago I was stripped of everything.  I had 2 suitcases and 20.00 dollars to my name and a broken heart.  I could have buried myself into the darkness of depression and despair if I gave one ounce of thought to what had happened to me.  But now I look at my life and see that my shit came together when it was supposed to.  It didn't happen overnight and I didn't rush it or mask it.  I now live in a lovely place in Manhattan, I am writing music everyday I sleep at night knowing that every little things gonna be alright.  

Don't believe me then listen to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LanCLS_hIo4 :-) 

2 New Songs Uploaded For Dani & The Mad Men™

Please visit http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller where 2 new fabulous tracks have been uploaded.  One called Outside Your Door which is a classic 1950's sound style and writing form.  The second song is called Shame which reminds me of Johny Cash, a modern twist on old country blues.

We have about 6 more songs to write before we hit the big stage in Manhattan.  Keep you posted and hope you enjoy the new tracks, there is so much more to come.

-Dani