When your feet touch a humbleness, when life throws you something unexpected it becomes such a beautiful thing. Not when your in it sometimes you wonder what the point of it all is but then you wake up one day and realise that your feet touched humanity. You have become grounded because life just doesn't give a f*&^ sometimes. I love this moment. You sluggishly recover and then become awaken to your real reality. Something better then you ever thought happens. You stand at a corner and can finally breath a sign of relief that its passed. You can choose to live in it, rerun it or turn another page and start over.
You rekindle love affairs with yourself and nothing feels as good as it does when you can do it alone. Your bed doesn't seem so empty and your relationships are full and vibrant again. People stand with you through it and although you may have lows, they bring you back to your highs. Life is full of splendid things but its up to you to choose to see them. Smile, my dear smile. You are out of it, you have recovered. You finally get it, and you don't have to live in that mess anymore.
I woke up and finally don't feel him here anymore. He's finally gone, I don't look for him anymore because I don't need him in the way I was convinced I needed him. I used to feel him still by me, this is hard for me to explain because physically he is 3,000 miles away but when you have something real it doesn't end in the breakup. It ends in the recovery. I don't see his face anymore, and couldn't paint it even if I wanted to. Its not there anymore. This is a special time in the grieving process. He is dead and I didn't bury his body until now. This may seem morbid but it was equally as intense as it was real to me. The shock wore off and now I had a ceremony to celebrate the loss that woke me up, finally.
No one will ever understand the pain and heartache of the last few months. No one stayed up with me as I laid awake wondering how it all happened. No one protected me, but me. I would talk about it but never felt understood, they wanted to but no one could imagine the pain. It was so specific to me.
I can say now that for me I didn't replace how I felt with someone else (so unfair) but I dealt with it head on. I can say now 6 months later, that it is in fact over for me. I am happy, I smile and I wouldn't take back a day of it. I would go through the pain everyday of my life it meant I could just simply love someone with honesty and purity. Only I know how rare that is.
To the people that honestly love, never let this go...Just try with someone else and see what happens.
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