5 months.

Its the longest road.  5 months of my new world, a world stripped of most familiarity.  I miss my family.  Admitting it most surly feels like I swallowed an acorn.  I swell with rain in my eyes. I went too long.  You shut it off long enough to not feel what missing someone feels like, the more intense the love the pipe begins to rust.  The water erodes and wears, overlook it too long and the pipe breaks and lets out such a intense gush.  In order to continue on in this journey I have learned that one gets good at this turning off process because when you truly love someone and are away from them, on most days it kills you.   When you love 10 people intensely, it gives such an ache in your soul when you cant physically kiss them.  Hug them just sit with them...just be with them.

You miss birthdays, events.  Life events, sometimes just the day to day which is exciting enough.  5 months was too long.  Some days you feel forgotten, that they are moving on without you.  Its too long to go without the ones that protect you, love you not because they have to but because they are a part of you.  Without even one of them there is always a piece missing, I cant imagine how it feels for them.  The missing is like a black cloud over my entire days leading up to when I go home.  Because what matters is beyond anything I could ever have here.  The hometown isn't much, but its perfect.  The food isn't that great but its not what feeds you.  The laughter of hearing my brothers kids is just just.... I cant really put that one in words.  When I wake up I see everyone around me and know I am home and thats a feeling New York could never give unless all 10 of them were here.

7 days to make up for a long 5 months.  

The Wonder

My heart swells with an intense love for I again am doing what I love.  My clouds came in the moment the music stopped playing.  Sometimes I feel like my soul is one giant record player.  But it stopped.  The needle didn't follow the grind of the record.  I heard nothing just people talking.  I write often about when you fall out of love with the one thing that feeds you.  I ate but was starving.  I loved but was always searching.  It has been a long road.  Confronted by all the fears you never realized you had.  New York brings things to you at a more intense rate.  Your strength is always tested, your weaknesses are always exposed.  The learning curve sometimes wrecks my brain.  But then you think of your story and know so far deep down that this happened to you for some odd reason and if you gave up now you still would wonder.  This wonder would most certainly take my last breath from me.  This wonder would make me search for the rest of my life.  It would kill me.

I am on my second journey of creating music.  Its the only thing that actually makes sense to me at this point.   The music is the best I have done to date.  If I would have given up, if you gave up during the process you will always wonder.  You will sit there with a half written book, pages tore and thrown away.  You will always paint your ending instead of living it out.  The doors are more open now, the instinct sharper.  I said before that I was in round 35 and had one swing left in me, I was actually in round 10 with much more to go.  Your reality seems much harsher then it actually is.

Here's to my new love affair with music..and in whatever you are doing just remember you are probably not done yet.  Keep going and remember its round 10 not 35 and you always one more punch.

Hurricane Sandy

I live 15 minutes away from Manhattan literally a 4 stop subway ride away.  If I didn't move about a month ago I would have been caught right in it without electricity and flooded streets.  This poem doesn't discredit the damage that many suffered in the mist of the storm.  Having said that I spend about 2 hours within nature a day if one was to quiet themselves for long enough you would hear her discontent, you would understand that she isn't done yet.

Right before the storm I thought it would be a good idea to go to the supermarket and that was a mistake.  I watched people scrambling to grab the last milk, fighting over the last loaf of bread. I was no joke the 75th person in line. The mood was daunting and everyone guarded their place in line as if they were entering the pearly gates of heaven.  Panic, frustration and selfishness..the hurricane didn't bring the brighter side of humanity to light perhaps the aftermath has.

Hurricane Sandy

Your mad at us
I see your frustration
Im not the only one that can sense your fury
That knows of our neglect
I walk into you everyday
From your invisible hush
Your kiss of a summers end to my cheeks
To your incredible silence
I hear that you could destroy us
And it saddens me to say that one day you most certainly will
You hold a grudge
You will sob the biggest tears
Until your hurt is known
You are keeping score
The biggest is yet to come
And we will all be
SHOCKED when it does
We will blame you as the destructive one
Even though I will know it was us all along
You whom takes and gives nothing back
Will be on channel 5 news
Talking about the home you lost
As if mother nature wasn't home enough for you
We will clear shelves in panic
Everyone for themselves
Every last crumb not one left for the mouse
Greedy
Arrogant
You may look the other way
However she always makes herself known
We shall only be so lucky
To walk away with nothing more then a bruise

The Red Stairs.

I think there is a hard truth that seems to slap you dead in the face.  That truth is somewhat of a hard pill to swallow and when you wake to its realization you wonder how you got there all along.  What road did I stumble down.  How did I at the crossing of right and wrong choose this?  Fuck, can I go back?  Am I here for a lesson..I found myself on my birthdays eve on the red stairs in Times Square.  That's where I wanted to go, so I went.

I remember the feeling New York gave me when I first arrived.  It was so shiny and filled with opportunity.  Flying into it used to give me butterflies and I swear the streets looked gold to me.  I went to red stairs in remembrance of this feeling.  I like watching people that come to NYC and go to Times Square for the first time.  Their eyes big and wondrous, they have been watching this place on TV every New Years from the time they've been in diapers.  I sat and I cried.  I truly have a heartbeat for New York but overtime it not only shows you what it can do but also what it cant do..for some.  It shows you what your capable of and what you still need to learn.  And it all happens at an intense rate.

I watched as little girls painted the massive big screens with hopeful envy.  I saw cameras as if they were fireflies in the dead of a forest.  No one looks down, everyone looks up to the high heavens.  So much light your almost blinded.  If Times Square turned all the lights off for 5 minutes I believe it could save enough energy to light a small village in Africa for a week.  I sat and I cried and then I prayed because I know I'm losing faith but more importantly I am the wall that blocks me. This truth is for everyone.  You are your own roadblock. You are the gatekeeper and you hold the key to EVERYTHING.  I sat and I smiled.  When your quiet enough you can hear your own fury.  You can see the storm that isn't settled.  Your not content, yet.  There is a beautiful thing that happens in that moment.  You want more.  Tears streamed beautiful streaks of black liner down the apples of my cheeks and I listened.  I sat in the dead of hopeful and losing faith and on those red stairs I chose hope.

There is nothing more daunting then when you lose faith in yourself because then you lose faith in everything else.

BKL=BROOKLYN

Brooklyn is the most populous of New York City's five boroughs, with approximately 2.5 million residents, and the second-largest in area. Since 1896, Brooklyn has had the same boundaries as Kings County, which is now the most populous county in New York State and the second-most densely populated county in the United States, after New York County (Manhattan). It is also the westernmost county on Long Island.


There was a moment that I felt it was all going to disappear, a time when I actually saw myself sitting on the edge of my parents lake.  Crying.  I want to remember this chapter, and its called Brooklyn.  Having moved into my own place I want to relish in this moment because I have never been so exhausted, so broke and yet so capable of anything in my life.  If you can move in Manhattan, you can do anything because moving in general is hard but moving in Manhattan is like pulling teeth with a tweezers.  Like painting a mansion with a toothbrush.  Like climbing a mountain in a wheelchair.  You jump through so many hoops I feel as if in my past life I was in the circus.  You get so high you feel like methamphetamine is childsplay and so low that the weight of it all makes you feel 2 inches tall.
But in turn do you know what it gives you? OWNERSHIP.

Up until days ago I lived in a part of Manhattan called the Lower East Side (LES).  I rented a room in a place that never felt like my own.  This little hood is one of the best in the city.  Its heavy, grungy, dirty, hip, bustling and nothing shy of attitude and an I don't give a fuck disposition.  Anything goes and no one will look twice at anything really. This hood taught me to dissolve judgement, to not be shocked by much.  The differences I saw become beautiful lessons about individuality and creating your own self.  This hood taught me to let my creative being shine.  To let my 1950's image grow and develop.  I had free will, I got to play into my inner self and have it reflect on the outside.  The only problem was that I didn't have space to turn off all the madness of New York.  This is a tricky subject to address because in order to relate to this one would have to understand what its like to live in Manhattan.

I rented a room and it was a perfect little room but it wasn't my own and the apartment wasn't mine either.  This always made me feel a little homeless even though I had a roof over my head.  The place was governed by someone else.  Their rules, their stuff and their space.   I went through my longest creative/writers block, a darkness so deep I couldn't see any light.  Most days I felt completely drained and every day I had to leave the LES (lower east side) and sit by the water just to feel normal.  I wasn't loving it anymore and perhaps my time spent there was done.  I went back into the hood that made me fall in love with NYC to begin with.  I reclaimed it, I owned it and now I needed a beautiful  environment that harvested my creative being.  Nothing is more stifling then a environment that doesn't bring sunlight after the rain, that doesn't hug you when you enter your home, I needed my own place.  The timing couldn't have been any more spot on.   I learned a lot and for that I am grateful and for someone to open their home to me that I will never forget.  

Approaching my 1 year, I got word that I needed to move and the panic resulted in countless sleepless nights and 6 gray hairs.  What the fuck am I going to do?  I cried but something inside said this is for the best and you are always taken care of.  That's the only thing I held onto for the next 2 weeks.  If I let go of that then I would be on a one way flight back to Minnesota, as I wrote prior that wasn't really an option.  Its interesting what one considers when your up in the air but its even more important to remember what isn't an option at all.  So then your not even tempted to flirt with it.  The weight of it all should of sent me on the next flight back to Minnesota, but it didn't.  I knew there was frustrating days to come and there was.

This whole time I have been thinking I could never leave Manhattan but now that I have a beautiful space in BKL (Brooklyn) I wonder how I lived, worked and played right in the center of the madness.  When I go back into Manhattan I now appreciate it.  I see how beautiful it is when I'm away from it.  I almost wasn't used to how quiet and peaceful my place was at first.  With a farmers market right around the corner and stores that would blow your mind I can finally say that for the first time I feel like I am home.

Moving Back to Minnesota?

This is my second time living in New York and this second time around I did it all on my own.   The first time I was here seems like a faded blur of distant memories that mean nothing to me now.  I took all the possible good away from it, nailed the coffin shut and buried it months ago in a place in which it belongs.  I visit the grave from time to time only paying my respects for what it taught me and how it changed me.   Now I am moving yet again within New York and when I knew I had to move my soul let out such a terrible cry that this was all hanging together by what felt like a string.  The thing about Manhattan is that it has taught me so much about myself.  When I first came here I thought everyone was their word and their word was good and trusted.  9 million fish swimming in a sea, I learned the hard way.  I believed in everything and everyone but now a trusted filter has been built and sometimes I fear its made me guarded.  My safety and protection was my number one priority.  The bottom-feeders always scared me and they know who's new.  It doesn't matter if you are in the countryside or a busy metropolitan, safety and protection is something you build in the inside and radiates onward. 

I walk in the projects everyday just to feel my inner instinct pull and tug.  I walk without headphones so I remember to listen.  The heavy has enriched my soul in more ways then I could ever explain.  I walked into the afraid and smiled the whole 8 blocks even though the energy wanted to take from me.  I held steady.  Manhattan taught me that.  It hands you experiences over and over again until you learn and graduate to the next level, this is also called life.  

When I found out I had to move, I thought about letting this all go.  Surrounding myself with the deep love of my family and friends.  Going back to the land that raised me and taught me about my inner connection to nature.  Running into my parents lake that has been cleansing me since I was in diapers.  I want to have my niece fall asleep on my chest.  I want to drive and know where all the stop signs are in-between my parents house and my small hometown.  I thought about it but then this inner thing happened.  I hear a no.  Its faint, but its there. When Im really quiet and the city is asleep, I hear it.  It doesn't come from my head or my arm or even my leg, it comes from my gut right underneath my heart.    I didn't go through what I went through for me to cash it all in after such a short time.  Its not a pride thing, or that I would feel like a dog with its tail between the legs. NO.  Its that Manhattan wont let me go because Im not ready to let Manhattan go.  We have always loved each other and I made it one year by myself and I know it has more for me that if I give up now it will put a pit in my soul.  A deep regret that will read on every inch of skin I have.  It will take the blue away from my eyes and the inner hope and faith I have will resemble that of a prune. No.  No.  No.  

Thats why Im not ready yet because I have this inner fight that says you are in round 37, never said this was easy and you are a bloody fucking pulp but you have one more swing left in you.  So swing god dammit. 

Pursue it With Happiness or Not at All.

It haunts me what I could of been.  What I should do today but don't.  All the belief of a thousand men but not a shred of fucking hope on most days anymore, from the one whom actually makes it all come to life.  Although its not over yet most days I journal about fear, theres a whole other series you never get to read..

I sit down by the waters edge everyday for 2 hours.  If I don't, Manhattan will get me.  Don't forget my love for NYC but my forever happiness for nature takes precedence.  Always.  I sit alone within nature and most days fear creeps in like a haze of a lingering rainstorm.   My faith is shaken because when you are an artist you live it on most days, alone.  There is so many people around you yet you could be in the fullest of rooms and feel, still alone.   You could have the most incredible of families and still at the end of the day feel, alone.  You study, you write, you follow, you pursue and somehow in someway you never fully feel comfortable with what your doing.  The difference is you don't follow some written out formula.

Grow. Go to high school, go to college..graduate (or not).  Job, marriage, baby, back to job.   Marriage continues, life resumes.  Baby grows.  Money is tight, love plays out. Marriage buckles, child learns.   2nd baby comes.  Job bends.  Marriage resentful. Kids grow.  And all the wonderful things in between.  Its most certainly not the end yet, life resumes.  And it all continues.  I wish I could follow this.  I admire this life, most days I want this life.  An artist wont have this life.  I wont have this life.  Not that theres nothing that happens in between this life and that life.

The point is that we all have different pursuits.  The most open of hearts to share it with a child.  The courage to abandon yours for theirs.  Regardless if by accident or planned, to be involved in life..is living.  Continuing to see it grow and to choose to stick with it is a character builder.  A mother, an artist is no different.  They harvest a seed and watch it grow.  Maybe a different flower. different intent but passionate about something.  ANYTHING is so very important in our time of distractions.  So live your life and when you do decide that it wont be a job done 50% that when people speak at your funeral they will remind everyone else what you did here.

It

is

that

short...

Go 100% towards it.

Without A Row

I found myself on a boat
Submerged in the ocean
The most discerning thing is I have not
One roe
The waves kick up mist
Making it harder to see
I feel
Everything
I'm in the middle of the mass
Seeing not one
Of anything
Can anyone hear me?
The feeling of being alone
Is everywhere
Uncertainty is all I know
When life becomes more real
The more unreal everything else seems
The boat could tip
The boat stays steady
The tide pulls in
The tide pulls out
Either way I'm not budging
Fear only takes up sail
If I need it to take me back
I'm not sure where back is anymore
So I float
The storm is coming I know
I haven't even hit the roughest of waters
I haven't even tasted the salt
Its not over yet
When I scream
I can only hope life hears me
It wont
In the distance
A patch of green offers relief
Of something new
But even there I will keep my boat
Just in case I need to set hell to the sea
Without a row
That's where I'll be

Sister

Feels the worlds weight
Her sensitivity isn't being protected
I wish I could put a box around her
Miles apart and I can sense her breaking
Our times right now
Effects the aware
She is the most present
Sits still on the edge of the world
Feels the starving child's belly
Down to her last penny
She would gladly give you two
She would give you her last
Of anything
Beauty in its most pure form
Expecting nothing in return
Some prey on her
Sucking light into their darkness
But they are taking too much
And her world is turning gray
Which means the clouds are rolling in
On mine
If she only knew
That of all the people I cross
Of all the faces I see
She is the most beautiful
The most unique
The most real
And its not because shes my sister
Its because when you strip her of everything
She has everything
A heart deeper then the ocean
A fierce instinct benefiting the good of others
Before herself
If one could have a fraction of her light
This world would be a brighter place

Oil Drum

Empty now
Hallow with the vaguest remembrance of what was
When I look inside there is the slightest hint of black
Fingers are stained
Breath weak from the smell of petroleum
My heart deepens with a sadness
There was once something here
A substance that could light a city
Have so much greatness
But yet could be so harmful
The fuel has been drained
All the remains is a shell
My voice echoes as I try to call for you
Then I become plagued by a memory of you
And the only thing that comes to mind
Is
An
Empty
Oil drum

When

I waited by the window
Cheeks pressed so close
A cloud appeared
We never needed to say much
but the draw was more then we knew
Flakes of forgotten rain
Slowly came falling down
Dancing a magnificent dance
Before their death to the pane
A gust twirled colorful degeneration
The seasons has changed
And yet as fierce as a flame to flint
As sure as the hand strikes 12
The only thing keeping me alive
is that I feel the chill of the fall
So maybe you wont come
When soil has turned to rust
And the green to gray
When water slows down to the speed of molasses
When it becomes so pure
Its white
When all you can hear is falling feathers
I will be there
Cheeks pressed so close
A cloud appears

Love

I hold onto you

Like my shadow you stay next to me

Even though you have been gone 

Long enough for me to not be able to see your eyes

Feel the way your lips pressed to mine

The softness of your hand on the middle of my back 

The way in which words weren't needed

Then the gray sets in 

I have been without you

Perhaps never really had you

Or only had you long enough to love you

You know someone all too well 

Then not at all

Then it all seems like a lie

The foundation gives way

The cotton it was built on 

Picked up with the wind 

Elegantly with long strokes

Went away

I go back to the place 

All that is there now is the natural hue of a time thats passed

I put my hands into the soil

Grab a handful of earth

Sift it through the fingers you once held onto

I try to let you go for what feels like the hundredth time

No matter how the story has turned 

At one time I chose you

Now I have to un-choose you

As sure as blood is red

As the sun kisses the face of a child

The moon guilds the traveler into the night

My knowing is fading

You are gone

I bury you into the earth

Everyday

Only to come back to it 

Hands grabbing onto

Something I have created 

I will never have you again

That was our time 

Now buried into the earth

We both walk on 

The Last Hour

When making big changes it sometimes may feel as if its not your own at first.  A big move, a turn against the tide a following of something that just feels right.  It almost makes you feel as if you have earned it so once you get it there will be a sense of pride.  After 4 major moves in the last year, I can say that I have created a little piece of heaven so far away from where my heart rests.  There was days I wanted to run from fear and rejection.  There where days I missed my family so much that if I thought about it too much I would cry.  Thats the part about risks and changes, you experience a whole world of things that are new, but at the end you always end up ok.

There was no comfort at first but an unwavering faith held from within that kept me afloat.  That tide changes from day to day as well.  One day without a shadow of a doubt I just know...and then something sets in and a shade appears and suddenly I feel without a compass in a forest as thick as fog. Thats the deal you make with the creative process.  Its got you but it cant be forced.   If you love it enough and put energy into it, it will come back to you.   It really is dependent on how you think and feel about it, this goes for anything in your life.  Its very basic and its that easy.  When your in it however it feels like pulling teeth.  That changes too.

This may seem morbid but I sometimes think about my last hour on earth.  What I would say to those I love and how I would want to be remembered.  When I think about this I see more clearly what needs to be cultivated now.  Death doesn't scare me not fulfilling what I was destine to do here, does.  Although I dont think about it often when I am in moments of patience and low creativity, and I see the eyes of my family looking down at me it lights something again.  Because thats the fight you often have with stuff like this.  When you see a imaginary final it takes you out of your current hangups and says "its not over yet BUT you can't skip certain important steps."

I wonder if you were to see this final hour, would there be anything you would change?  Is your current situation ideal, if the hour was upon you now..would you be content?  I would hope that if the answer was no, you will have enough courage and strength to seek what it is you truly want.  At the very least question it..

Trying to Catch a FireFly

The weather turns here as it once did in Minnesota.  The seasons switch and suddenly you find yourself in the dead of summer.  I was walking and right in front of me I saw a spark.  The light glowed and then went dark.  A flash, a moment and then it was gone.  It was just gray enough before the sun fully surrendered to the night.  I followed it to my left and my eyes lite up.  There was a small children's park full of fireflies.  I suddenly got a flashback of when I was a child chasing them with jars in hope to capture if only one.  I remember myself as a child wondering how and why they glowed but how exciting it was when they would never missing a beat.

My hands grabbed the fence and I pushed my nose so far into the metal I felt the cold.  There they were having a glowing dance.  Some lighting up more then others, some just cruising along.  Some buzzing by my face and others keeping their distance.  In New York I finally saw how much I truly love Minnesota. Here you have to find your beauty when you come from a beautiful place its all around you.  I was watching fireflies as if I was 7 again.  I wanted to buy a jar take my high heels off and get dirty trying to catch fireflies.  Its sometimes the small tiny moments like these that we miss when we get older perhaps more wiser.  

Days before I was hauling home groceries, ya you carry everything home here no car to help you.  Small rain drops began to fall and I ran under a fire escape and then sky erupted into a vociferous roar.  Down pour.  I got soaked.  The streets went clear which in Manhattan is rare.   The storm let up and I ran home put my flip flops on and went puddle hopping.  Its moments like these that melt away a distance loneliness, or perhaps a endless fight for a dream.  It all begins to make more sense before we have to go and grow up and complicate matters.  It begins to not look so serious, so harsh.  You begin to laugh in the face of whatever it is that scares you. Your like a kid again.  Now I'm not saying this is for everyone, some people hate this stuff.  But I think if you think about what you were like as a child your current hangups wont seem all that bad.  

Go catch a Firefly.   

No-one Ever Tells You This Will Happen

Oh shit no one ever told me that this would happen.  That on some days its hard to even listen to a note or sing a tune.  When life happens and splashes you with real and heavy waves.  When someone comes back into your life that once haunted you.  When people leave you and your away from anything truly familiar no one ever tells you about this.  No one tells you that this happens.  That sometimes your love kind of goes away for a little bit which makes you feel so distant from well..you.  

It happened and I know why it did and something said to hold on and breath, its just too much right now.  I can't be creative (when this probably would have helped).  The creative spirit comes in waves, happiness sometimes does as well.  It is a rollarcoaster and we are the passengers and its not the ride that matters its how you deal when it stops.  How you keep it going is far more important.  When it stopped, I felt so sad but more importantly I reexamined a few things.  Life will bump you like that, it doesn't care but it is there for a reason.  You can choose to stop or try something different, I choose to try something different because I never want to wonder if there was a road I didn't travel down .  I never want to look into my nieces and nephews eyes and say " I gave up and when life is hard you should too."

No one ever talks about the times when we fall.  But I can say that it takes time and certain people come out of the woodwork to remind you that theres something inside of you.  Its not music that I choose to fight for, I don't fight for anything but I stand for every creative person that just wants to express something.  No its not music, its this little sparkle inside of me and all of us that I never want to see die.  Its the bravery and courage that I stand for when there isn't a path that others can see but is an inner map a guild within myself.

Noone ever tells you when picking up a pen and writing feels like moving a mountain.  When you grow up, this becomes all too familiar.  I think these are beautiful moments to change a game plan, reevaluate your situation and hold close the ones that protect your inner spirit.  I am coming out of my fall, and it was hard but I hope it encourages you to never give up and to get back on the rollarcoaster and continue on with the ride...until it comes to a stop once again.    

Letting "It" Go.

Its the hardest part of love and loss.  Its the hardest switch to make in your brain and to tell your heart that it just can't feel anymore.  To head so fast in one direction and stop and slowly walk back the way you came.  We want to fight, as if that would change things.  It usually doesn't sometimes the hardest thing to do is to truly let go, to let someone go even when you don't feel justified.  Sometimes when things get crazy the best thing to do is go away from it, cash your chips in and send it away with no expectation of a return.  What you will find if you hold steady to this faith is something that will truly amaze you.

Just imagine all the emotional luggage we take with us throughout this journey.  How heavy it becomes and how good we are at ignoring it and playing the game of pretend.  The heavier it becomes the harder it is to identify and then eventually our knees give way and we are left wondering how the hell we got here.  With every significant event is a new opportunity to reexamine the lesson behind it.  See your part, see the others take what you need away from it and let it go.  This is easier said then done, I know.  I let my crash of this last year go multiple times.  It would creep back in, I would let it stay and then I would wonder why my hands were holding something that didn't exist.  I wondered why I would allow my heart to go back to that place when we were happy.  Let it go.  Let it go.  Let it go.  These things take time.  All good and real things take time to grow.

So when you let it go, don't be sad.  Be so thankful for everything that it taught you.  Be so grateful that whatever it was happened to you, was specific to you however "bad" your perception is.  Be careful with how "bad" you label your experience.  Misery and victimization loves to make a room in your house and stay for however long.  You have control over this if not any other aspect of the situation, how you deal with it and how you bounce back is up to you. How you continue to love and find peace is up to you, how you forgive and let go is a process significant to you.

So it does sometimes creep in from time to time but I wrap it with love, peace and gratitude and send it on its way.  Out the door, out of my house, I let it go...

Meditation

New Yorkers always talk about the pace here and how intoxicating it becomes.  Once you leave you want more and once in it you sometimes feel exhausted.  9 million people with different paths, that's something you can feel.  One of the greatest gifts I ever received throughout this journey was the gift of meditation.

I brought myself to the shores of my parents house and stood on their dock, something I have been doing ever since I was little.  This was right after I moved back from London and felt the most intense heartache and confusion enough for a small army to carry.  My name was non-existent, my mind was as thick as clouds on a rainy day.  A mess pretty much sums up this chapter of recovery although I would never admit it.  I felt nothing, the strongest numbness took over my body and I felt like I was a shell of who I used to be.  No one felt my pain, no one could help me.  My feet walked to my neighbors door and I knocked, wasn't sure what I was going to say but something told me I just had to be there.  Little did I know I was opening up more then just a door that day, I was about to feed an inner spirituality and receive a gift money could never buy.  My neighbor all this time was a mediation/yoga teacher.  Never did this cross my mind.  I began to sit with him dawn and dusk on most mornings and nights.  Clarity and quietness were the gifts I received.  Where a mind was running on auto-pilot, meditation created an ocean of peace.  It sorted itself out and suddenly became less about me and more about the experience.  If you never go through things how could you possibly be presented with new experiences to grow and learn from.  During those times I felt such a genuine peace and gratefulness that filled the pit that existed after my hardship.

We are all guilty of seeing and focusing on the negative and through this process it made so much sense why it happened.  The "it" wasn't me though and the experience isn't you, things just happen.  After all the mess I decided to move back to New York by myself this time and shelved meditation.  6 months into living in NYC I was reminded of how unforced that true feeling of gratitude was during that time.  Meditation knocked on me yet again.  Sometimes we like to drain the tank without giving anything back to it or any gratitude for where it comes from.  We get sucked into routine and rush, meditation found me again and I became it again.

Every morning I sit in silence and peace if even for a moment of awareness.  Its very easy to move so fast that we don't have time to give gratitude for all that we have been through or all that we have.  In a moment it could all go away and I would rather know that I appreciated it when I had it then took it for granted before it was gone.

Create a moment of peace everyday for yourself, and focus on how grateful you truly are for what is around you.  I start with my family and don't be surprised if it makes you cry that just means that it is probably overdue the thanks you owe for the many gifts you have in your life.

The Ocean.

Since moving back to NYC for the second time and being taught all the many lessons here, there was a huge part of me that craved peace.  A peace that a bustling city can't give to you.  A inner peace that the noise and constant flow of people distracts you from.

On this particular day I got on a train.  I wasn't entirely sure where I was going but I knew I wanted to break away.  I transferred around the trains a few times and part of the intrigue was that I didn't always know where I was going but I knew I wasn't lost.  The trains shuffled me around and then I was above ground as the train made stops every few minutes.  When you get into the subway you feel like a sardine in a tuna can, your practically making out with the person next to you.  Then as you get further away from the city the people slowly dissipate and eventually you are the only one left.  The train took me to the very last stop, over an hour out of the city.

There it was.  Massive and beautiful and without having a map the inner compass brought me to it.  I stood on the edge as the cold waves reminded me that winter really didn't get its fair chance this year.  In this moment of peace I started to understand more clearly the journey I had been on and how simple life is outside of it.  I love what New York can do but I love the simple things more perhaps that's the Minnesota girl in me.  The sand was so warm and inviting and it took me about 2 miles along the coast barefoot to realize that hours had passed.  There was no concept of time in this place, it was just that peaceful and beautiful that you completely became it and didn't want it to go away.

We all know that sound, we can hear it even when we are nowhere close to the sea.  The crashing consistent waves and seagulls flying overhead.  The way the ocean makes you feel so small because nature is so massive and perfect.  At times the wind would pick up and create a sandstorm right in front of me, it looked like a desert.  I was covered in sand and rode the train back that way.  The ocean didn't want to let me go and I could have slept on the beach that day.  It was a perfect reminder to not get caught up in how massive NYC is and to always value the simple things in life.  This town is all man-made but the things I love in this world are not, they are real and mystical and offer such insight if you quiet yourself long enough to hear the answer.

N Y C

The saying goes if you can make it here you can make it anywhere.  Theres a reason someone said that and New York is totally different when you live here verse visiting.  Its also different when you move here by yourself.  The undercurrent of energy is completely intoxicating and before you know it your swimming in it.

The thing about this place is one its massive.  I mean you could walk and walk and get completely get lost within the concrete.  Second people are always on the go, they run really fast here.  Someone once told me something that has stuck with me he said " make sure you go at your own pace, you don't always have to keep up."  Talk to most New Yorkers and they will tell you this truth.  I was hardly here the first time so I didn't get it at first.  Now this second time I understand completely what they mean.  I didn't even know this but one day I was walking in SOHO and looked around me to find that we were all like a school of fish.  I dropped back and watched all the people continue on, HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN PART OF THE SCHOOL OF FISH without knowing? Going to the overall energy of those around me.  Now I know to go to my own beat and its amazing what new places I have found.  Its never wise to move too fast at anything, it will find you.

Its just the energy of 9 million people all on one island, that's something you can feel.  That's something I cant really describe, but you feel it when you fly into New York.  I feel it when I take one of many walks throughout the city.  I can feel it when I change neighborhoods but mostly the energy if not careful can take you and spit you out if it chooses.  This city is not the easiest to master, its loud and in your face.  It ignores you then sends you the biggest hug.  As the tides in the ocean change so does the flow within the city.  It gives you things all at once and then weeks will go by and I feel nothing from New York.  You have people passed out on the streets, you have woman on the Upper East wearing the most expensive fur.  You have the most massive buildings filled with banks and dripping with wealth surrounding you then I walk into my neighborhood and see the project's in the distance.  I mean you get the extremes in both directions here.  Its something you don't get in a day, or a month or 4 overtime you just start to see what this city can do to you.  What it can make out of you and also what it wont fake for you.

As of today I am still madly in love with New York.  It never stops feeding my curiosity and making me want to do and be better.  The learning curve here is unlike any other place in the whole world. I have my moments where I just don't get it but if this was all taken away from me I believe a small piece of myself would die of disappointment.  I'm glad I got to be here by myself, I'm glad I took a risk twice.  I regret nothing.

Theres a TIme for Everything

Its completely odd the curve balls this universe sometimes throws you.  You really need to be careful what it is you wish for, in due time it will come true.  Patience and persistence, an inner drive you can't really explain just to sometimes keep you above water.  When in reality you were always above the surface floating.  Your reality always seems the harshest, while in pursuit I think the biggest challenge is to think of the journey as the reward, Steve Jobs said that best.  Theres always room to improve and grow and unfortunately it doesn't happen overnight.  

Having an end goal in mind is key to keeping you moving.  If you didn't have an end thing that you wanted what would you have enough faith in to fight for.  No one ever talks about the hard times.  Its a pride thing.  It doesn't matter how deep the motivation is for doing something, at the end of the day we sometimes question what its all for.  

This past week I held my brothers daughter, she fell asleep in my arms.  I could of stayed there forever but I packed my things and left to go back to New York.  Every fiber of me asked, why leave love?  There is so much love in my family, why would I leave to go somewhere so cold?  What is it all for?  As an artist we all ask on some level these same questions.  Its a tiring game of explaining, pursuing and convincing and sometimes all you have at the end of the day is yourself (hence my song called Believer).  You have to keep it alive everyday.  Its how you make it through the bad stuff, trust me sometimes it straight up knocks me on my ass but its how you breathe life into it again that matters.  

http://soundcloud.com/daniandthemadmen10/a-believer

 "Every creative journey begins with a problem. It starts with a feeling of frustration, the dull ache of not being able to find the answer. When we tell one another stories about creativity, we tend to leave out this phase of the creative process. We neglect to mention those days when we wanted to quit, when we believed that our problems were impossible to solve. Instead, we skip straight to the bbreakthroughs. The danger of telling this narrative is that the feeling of frustration – the act of being stumped – is an essential part of the creative process. Before we can find the answer – before we probably even know the question – we must be immersed in disappointment, convinced that a solution is beyond our reach. It's often only at this point, after we've stopped searching for the answer, that the answer arrives. All of a sudden, the answer to the problem that seemed so daunting becomes incredibly obvious." --Jonah Lehrer, "The neuroscience of Bob Dylan's Genius"

Keep going and if you don't know, ask.  

This Process is Like a Grilled Cheese.

I have zero concept of time here in New York.  I mean I get it on a day to day basis but I have lived here since Oct.24th by myself.  Time has flown but from the moment my feet touched Manhattan pavement I have been running ever since.  I needed to create something beautiful for myself.  I started writing aggressively with Nick Lancaster and 18 songs later I breathe a sign of relief that this time I think I have said what I have needed to say.  Its only just begun.  I hold onto these songs with dear life, every one unique and with every song telling its own story.

Let me tell you at least the process for me.  I had an idea.  Not exactly the idea I brought to life, but it starts with that and changes.  I have revamped my idea so many times that from the original sketch to now it seems like a whole different idea however the main thing is that I didn't stop with it.  I didn't stop working on it.  I still don't stop and my biggest advantage is I have never heard no.  I'm kinda waiting to hear it though, its a motivator.  Once you start fully going into something its important to know that there will be a process to a process with whatever it is your trying to create.  This is where most give up, throw the towel in.  It makes you either want it or hate it.  Make sure you protect it enough to never hate it.  Its music after all for me and there is no greater joy.  I have been without it and I have been with it and in this world I prefer to watch it grow.  These things take time and sometimes people get so impatient.  The truth is I wouldn't want ANYTHING overnight, having earned something makes me feel complete ownership. Makes me understand the process.  I need to preform in the back of a dirty Irish pub, yeah it sucks but on every level its no different if I was on the subway or at home or say on Jay Leno.

Its the process.  Whatever it is you believe in or are trying to create the most important thing to remember is you will have to start somewhere and there is no shame in that.  And work your way up anything that happens to quickly losses its charm, becomes a "try to hard."  This process is like a grilled cheese.  Too much heat and you burn the bread and the cheese doesn't melt.  Give it time and the bread toasts and the cheese melts to perfection, the most simple things need time to develop.  You wouldn't plant a seed and expect a flower the next day.

Just never loss your love for what it is your doing and never try to force it.  It will come and it will change.  But always respect the process behind everything and never give up.  We need more people in this world that follow their art, their gut instead of being put in the corporate cookie cutter.  

It started here.  http://soundcloud.com/daniandthemadmen10

And

Its not ending anytime soon..

A Poem for You.

That Day

By: Dani Mueller 

Can you meet me here again? 

Come back to the place where it all begun

When you arrive I will make you stay

Those days stopped me

It made me see something 

A thing I thought I had given to someone else

As sure as the grass grows

For as long as the winter feels

It was real

This I know for sure

Like when the tide comes back to the sand

Like when the golden rays rise to wake the earth

And the moon makes a child less curious 

You had me

I had you

This I know for sure.

The only question now is

When...

When will I see you again?

When..

Will you come back to me?

Spring

Sometimes this world doesn't seem so grim when you believe in something.  When you truly can not be told that something doesn't exist.  Sometimes not always having a plan but following something just makes life less of drag.  When I saw the storm come down on me, when I felt as if everything was gray and tasteless something happened.

Something grabbed onto me, something offered a glimmer of hope.  Its almost like it said "you need to feel this and it needs to change you".  Your about to fall, your skimming rock bottom.  You lost your best friend and the love of your life and this is going to hurt you a lot,  but I will be here for you.  It was music.  It is that simple.  I see it more clearly now.  I understand what it was there for.  

He wasn't real.  Its like he was a fork in the road, I could go left or right.  This life is filled with those moments.  Either way, I turned to something that felt real to me.   Where he turned to another woman to ease the pain (weak) I turned to something that feed me in a way in which I didn't even need food to exist. I turned to something I needed to learn.  It was a NEED to learn, not a want.  I just believed in something.  There is an honesty in music that unites us all in this journey.  I think its a beautiful thing I also think that it is that simple.  Its not there to confuse you or complicate things for you, it makes you feel something.  Thank god for that.  Amen.   Its the only thing that made sense. 

 It picked me up from the lowest moment and continues to bring me to even bigger stages with even more familiar faces.  I now understand it better and it treats me kinder.  I get to do whatever it is I want with it and it never gets old.  I got lucky this last year and there is nothing I would change.  Nothing I would take back.  Do you know how it feels to come to such peace after it feels like you have been under 7 feet of snow? It was the coldest winter but yet it was usually 60 degrees outside.  It was the longest winter of my life.  Now the cherry blossoms are beginning to bloom on my street.  The breeze is crisp with the lingering hint of a winters past.     I see every ones winter coats slowly shed to bare more skin.  The sun even feels like a warm embrace you haven't had in awhile.  What I have now is the most important gift, a music to call my own and a wonderful change to mark a new journey ahead.  

The Hush of a NYC Crowd Moment

The hush.  The quiet serenity of all eyes focused and all you can hear is a single breath between many.  Makes me see that we all join in on something, together.  The lights are as bright as I can remember and I can only make out certain faces.  It may not be a huge crowd but I feel like the smaller ones are sometimes harder.  Theres more focus, the energy more direct.  From the moment the first note is played, all I can feel is energy.  A good energy kind of scary at first because its so alive.  So "there" with you.

People just love music.  It moves you and makes you feel.  It breaths life into your somewhat boring life.  Makes you want to believe in something.  I can say that we have played about 6 stages so far and every time the hush happens.  I call it the hush because I have to sit through many other acts and the energy seems messy or unfocused.  Some people bring it back, others lose it again.  See the crowd as a whole are very smart they sense exactly what I sense on stage.  They hear crap, they dislike crap.  They know when somethings purely good, they buy into it.

The first stage I stepped on (in over a year and a half) something very transformative happened.  I actually said it out loud, I said " I can feel the love."  I got a crowd smiling back at me.  Let me also add something here, it is very hard to grab the attention span of New Yorkers.  They move so damn fast and to be honest they don't really give a shit.  I knew then that something beautiful was happening.

We have to play small before we can play big, we have to put our time in.  We have to pay some dues, even though it sucks sometimes..it is what it is until the next door opens.  Its all about timing, it all happens when your ready.  This crazy little adventure I have been on makes me trust with complete confidence that I will fall exactly where I need to.  I believe in good music, I believe in a performer that takes you away from your everyday life.  I believe in our music without a shadow of a doubt.

I believe I will have to perform for 60 people before I can stand in front of 60,000 people.

The Dani & The Mad Men Channel on Youtube

No production crew, no edits and one take videos of Dani & The Mad Men.

2 new songs just uploaded.

https://www.youtube.com/user/daniandthemadmen

I dare you to tell a friend..

-Dani

Live Video of Dani & The Mad Men..

This wasn't handed to me, this also wasn't something that happened overnight.  This is not something that is going to hold your already deminishing attention span because there is no production crew behind it.  Its real and its honest.  Theres no glitz or glamour, no cutting and editing.  Its one take at its purest moment (something we take for granted).  

Its not auto-tune.

Theres no production crew.

However I will tell you what it is.. 

It is Dani & The Mad Men.    

Click and become a fan http://www.youtube.com/user/daniandthemadmen?ob=0&feature=results_main

Now please show your support and like Dani & The Mad Men on Facebook and on Youtube, and thank you for your continued support on this blog.  

I Missed You.

Its been a year and a half.  Even when I was on stage then I was a pussy and held back.  Not sure entirely why but I was untrained and under practiced.  I didn't lock myself in the bathroom for half the day, I just didn't have enough drive or disciple.  I was in the wrong place and singing from a place that didn't mean anything.  I was just a likable voice but nowhere on was an emotional vulnerability, you saw no scares.  You felt no pain, you didn't believe me.  You just listened but I didn't move you.  I didn't go into your chest and touch parts of your heart you didn't know existed.   I didn't make you think anything, I didn't challenge you enough.  I read words on paper, there is such a difference.  HUGE difference.

Now I know I have a long road ahead of me.  I did one live performance at a small venue for about 60 people, but all I know is something is different.   I feel something different, I move different...I feel my story being told and although fucked up we all share in it.  I believe it and too often in this world we tend not to believe.  I could hear a pin drop, I could hear someone breathing to the left of me.  I could see everyone in the front row, I felt the heat of the lights on my face.   I was home..

The truth remains though and there is one honesty to this story and that is that I am not myself when I go too long without the stage.   I'm not me.  Without it I feel as if I'm a shadow of myself.  This is awesome because it makes me want to seek out every stage, big or small.  I don't care, I just want it.  Audience or not (although it helps).

I couldn't rehearse anymore, I couldn't repeat the lyrics any more then I did.  I couldn't help the butterflies right before I was called up.  I couldn't fight the intense feeling of pride that I had created something.  The first is always the weirdest but from the moment I opened my mouth, I was at home.  A home I hadn't felt in a year and a half.  I missed it.  I was scared of it but I also intensely missed it, its shameful that I would go so long.  I had to go through this tho, the fact remains I wouldn't take any of it back.

My mother said "You are not Justin Bieber, your words come from a different place, a place that lasts."

Sing from that place.
Believe in that place.
Go to that place.
When on stage stay there in the place that makes you feel vulnerable but yet alive.

And never stop searching for that next stage.  PERIOD.

Hitting The NYC Stage on 02/16/12

Its been a long road.  Not only was I mending a broken heart but also going through 4 stressful moves and out of all of this I created Dani & The Mad Men.  We have been writing original music since December  (13 songs down) and now its time to go live around Manhattan.  This journey has taught me so much about strength and overcoming fear while always trusting your instinct.  Its about putting heart and soul back into music and sharing with others in our struggles and heartbreak.  Its saying that most stuff in this life isn't easy but you can go through it one step at a time while creating something beautiful for yourself.

Timing is everything and it's neither for you or against you..it just simply is.  I am beyond ready to showcase this moment with the world.  I am not fearful or shy neither embarrassed or doubtful.  I am not the Danielle I was 6 months ago, I am Dani.  The Dani that sits up at night writing music, that records on one take, that has been on stage at the Grammys (in spirit) and that will stop at nothing for the sake of my dream.

We hit the stage on Thursday and finally I wont be singing into a hairspray can in front of the mirror.  I am ready and deserving of this little thing I call Dani & The Mad Men.  Watch out the hard work starts now..

http://soundcloud.com/daniandthemadmen10

Real, honest, and ready..

Manhattan Your Also A Real Ahole

So I know I rant and rave about how fucking cool Manhattan is and from the depths of my heart I truly do love this city although there are many things I dislike.  It's not easy sometimes.  There is many sides of New York and there are some weeks that make me want to scream.  Most days things work but then there are moments that make me wonder what its all for (then I'm reminded, music of course).  I did come here for a reason after all.

It kinda starts out like this.  Moments before the subway arrives your metro-card just decides to stop working, the subway leaves and now your card works and the next train is 20 minutes away. Lovely!  So you decide to go grab a coffee while you wait and the cashier says 10.00 dollar card minimum and you have no cash.  Perfect! Then it starts raining and you failed to grab your umbrella because it was 50 and sunny moments ago. Come on!  Then it feels like everyone and their mother doesn't notice you enough to not bump into you. Fu&^*!

Disclaimer:  I would like to think that I exercise patience in almost every area of my life but then I have days like this and want to curl up in a ball and never leave my front door.  It is easy and then you get into the grind that pisses you off.  I can laugh as I write about it now and perhaps in everyones life we encounter these precises moments to make us want what we want more.

I'm not giving up on anything but in the mist of these kind of days I hit a point where I stand still in the mist of the bustle and breath.   I stop square in the middle of everyone (which is probably adding to their frustration and is highly annoying) I stand still.  Even if it's in the middle of an intersection (which is very unsafe) but whenever I feel myself wanting to punch my fellow neighbor square in the face I know it's time to stop.  It's time because it's such a mind set game.  When things are starting to crumble, it starts to downward spiral and then that's all your focusing on is the mess.   Then you see a complete stranger sleeping in garbage bags over a gutter and things don't seem so bad after all.  That's when I place my 5.00 latte and 6.00 scone next to that guy.  And head back down the nasty stairs to my now delayed subway cart.  Then I smile and start singing.  Singing in my head that is.  The subway arrives and a nice stranger gives up their seat for me during my 45 minute commute.  Not so bad after all.

So I can see now that it would be easy for this city to break someone.  I know both sides and overall NYC has been kind, for that I am thankful.  We all have moments, but these moments are reminders for us to slow down and practice kindness and patience.  There's no need to rush I believe that is what breeds greed and lack of consideration for others.  I need people on my side more then anything right now but I'm not going to pretend that NYC doesn't piss me off at times.  The bustle, the being away from family is the hardest balance for me to find.  Its all part of following a dream, its all part of wanting  something.  Its part of the journey that I wouldn't give up for anything.  On these days just smile.

My feet are where they belong..

Moments Like This in Manhattan

Theres a place in Manhattan I try to avoid, a place that makes me want to run out of it as fast as I walk into it.  Its a dreadful little place filled with bright shiny lights and the human excess.  Every corporate food chain as far as the eye can see, and more people stopping and staring in awe as if it was their first time seeing bright lights.  This place is the pit of advertising and marketing and if for only a day we turned off all the lights we would solve global warming.  Seizure prone beware and the ADHD are welcome.

This day was different however.  I sat espresso in hand on the random red staircase in the mist of Times Square.  It was particularly pretty on this day, I sat.  Still and watched as so many ran, walked and passed. It wasn't as crowded as I always recall and I kid you not as I sat on the staircase the clouds parted ways and slivers of sunlight crept through the skyscrapers hitting my face.  All around me there were others doing the same as I and I didn't hate it I actually thought it was impressive.  Why had I judged Times Square so harshly?  For an entertainer it would do me no greater pleasure then to one day be plastered on the side of a giant building.

Now lets get one thing straight I would never live by Times Square, the energy isn't me but I think it's a step if I can at least sit within it.  Theres something so strange about being so small in the mist of something so large.  It made me feel like this tiny insignificant speck in the presence of over sized people plastered on the biggest screens you have ever seen.  Its cool, not as cool as where I currently live but different.

Manhattan is such a playground, within blocks so much changes.  The neighborhoods expand, shift and change.  Its incredible living here by myself, sometimes it gives me an ass whooping but overall when I sit back and look at where this year has taken me I can honestly say I wouldn't take one thing back.  I look at where I landed and I see strength, curiosity and such intense growth.  I also overcame one thing and that was that I never wanted him to have New York.  That was my biggest fear that of all the things he took from me he may still have NYC if I didn't come back.  The truth remains though that I would never let him mark this city.  This is my Manhattan, this is my city..my way.

With all my heart I heart NYC.

Its not for everyone but for me its just right...

And this is why I love Duffy..

As a songwriter I say hell yes to this song, you go Duffy.  Song called Rain on Your Parade by the one and only Duffy.

I wish you well

I hope you survive

I hope you live, oh baby, so I can watch you cry.

'Cause I know in time you'll see what you did to me

And you'll come running back.

I'm gonna rain on your parade

No, I won't take it again

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.

No, I won't take it again.

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I pity the fools who believe in you

'Cause I know someday now, they'll see your colors too.

And if you see a smile, besides my face, no I'm doing good.

Since you've been erased.

Cause I know in time you'll see what you did to me

And you'll come running back.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.

No, I won't take it again.

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.

No, I won't take it again.

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.

No, I won't take it again.

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.

No, I won't take it again.

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.

No, I won't take it again.

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I Live For This Sh*&

So many of my hours are spent in a little cafe in my neighborhood in the LES.  I shut off everything and sit in a tiny little shoebox of a place and absorb as much information pertaining to the 1930-50's as humanly possible.  I'm like a little kid in a candy store and I feel like I hit the fucking jackpot every time I discover yet another artist that makes me smile.  Makes me fall in love although sometimes I may seem like I'm going a little crazy I understand why and I guess that's all that's needed. 

We should all do something that makes us feel something.  Its not like I'm snorting crack in a dark alley, its the kinda thing for me that lights a fire within my spirit.  I can't shut it off even if I wanted to and I want for myself the same for you.  To fall in love with something your passionate about and not care or wonder why.  To do something that just feels good, to love something without reason.  Perhaps I was born in the wrong era but the more I age the more I crave the old school, the classic.   Age is wisdom, not something that should be feared and when I research this more things become clearer.   I can't explain it and don't think I need to. This is my joy.  Below are the things that make me feel something honest, something real and that how I know its love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rr5XQ9BhOqM&noredirect=1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUtjUy3UgMA&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbS99utiV3o&feature=fvwrel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEQFZ0R-248&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTIWO0hdAeU&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hz2cZx118P0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4ZyuULy9zs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5G7UIeYGq0k&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh8ZpZkUr2Y&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVg01gzC_Vw&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWNJmM8GLy0&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sAbW0ONRBU&feature=related

Family; The Reason to Take a Risk.

I was here in the same place that I live now only a few shy months ago.  I didn't walk these streets alone, in fact this time last year I was here for an entirely different purpose.  I was living someone elses life, its fucking crazy to think of how naive I was.  Isn't that life though?  The real purpose was only to bring me to the streets of Manhattan.  It was to take my safe soles and place them in an unfamiliar place.  To scare the shit out of me, but it didn't.  It excited me, I got the opportunity to be scared.  When scared, walk into it don't run from it.  Be brave and you will see what happens.  This world is not worth staying in a bubble for.

I fight with this sometimes because it is a weird challenge to want something familiar while in such a mess of a place.  Now all I crave is something unfamiliar.  I want to see the untouched territory I have yet to experience.  I want to walk on the edge of something that makes me flirt with the idea of not having it.  I want to say that I have done it and that I would do it again even if it doesn't work out.  Some people stay so safe out of fear and see so little because that fear keeps them in such a place.  Perhaps I seem crazy because of all my jumping but sometimes not caring where you will land will take you to such a place.

There is a safety net, there always is.  For me the safety net is my family having them makes me never feel  entirely alone or out of control.  I know that if everything crumbs (like it already did once) they will help.  They wont give me more then I need but as my sister said "I will bath you if you feel like you cant" now that's love.  The real kind of love, the love that says I will stop my life for you until you are well because I am not well if you are not.  That's entirly powerful, that's the stuff this life is made of.  I would stay so safe if I didn't have a solid foundation perhaps that's why you feel the need to not extend outside of your own comfort zone.  This is the time to mend those relationships, make them strong.  Build on them, watch them fall back and then grow them once again.  That's what family does, its the only kind of relationship that can withstand even the most trying of times.  We are in trying times now, step away and look with a non-judgemental eye at the reality of your family dynamics.

The grand compromise for me is being here and having them be there
It is a compromise I think about everyday
A swelling in my heart that never goes away..
That's why I keep them in frames in my room
to remind myself everyday how lucky I am
to have
every
single
one
of
them..

Ready Set Jump..

-Dani