Spring

Sometimes this world doesn't seem so grim when you believe in something.  When you truly can not be told that something doesn't exist.  Sometimes not always having a plan but following something just makes life less of drag.  When I saw the storm come down on me, when I felt as if everything was gray and tasteless something happened.

Something grabbed onto me, something offered a glimmer of hope.  Its almost like it said "you need to feel this and it needs to change you".  Your about to fall, your skimming rock bottom.  You lost your best friend and the love of your life and this is going to hurt you a lot,  but I will be here for you.  It was music.  It is that simple.  I see it more clearly now.  I understand what it was there for.  

He wasn't real.  Its like he was a fork in the road, I could go left or right.  This life is filled with those moments.  Either way, I turned to something that felt real to me.   Where he turned to another woman to ease the pain (weak) I turned to something that feed me in a way in which I didn't even need food to exist. I turned to something I needed to learn.  It was a NEED to learn, not a want.  I just believed in something.  There is an honesty in music that unites us all in this journey.  I think its a beautiful thing I also think that it is that simple.  Its not there to confuse you or complicate things for you, it makes you feel something.  Thank god for that.  Amen.   Its the only thing that made sense. 

 It picked me up from the lowest moment and continues to bring me to even bigger stages with even more familiar faces.  I now understand it better and it treats me kinder.  I get to do whatever it is I want with it and it never gets old.  I got lucky this last year and there is nothing I would change.  Nothing I would take back.  Do you know how it feels to come to such peace after it feels like you have been under 7 feet of snow? It was the coldest winter but yet it was usually 60 degrees outside.  It was the longest winter of my life.  Now the cherry blossoms are beginning to bloom on my street.  The breeze is crisp with the lingering hint of a winters past.     I see every ones winter coats slowly shed to bare more skin.  The sun even feels like a warm embrace you haven't had in awhile.  What I have now is the most important gift, a music to call my own and a wonderful change to mark a new journey ahead.  

The Hush of a NYC Crowd Moment

The hush.  The quiet serenity of all eyes focused and all you can hear is a single breath between many.  Makes me see that we all join in on something, together.  The lights are as bright as I can remember and I can only make out certain faces.  It may not be a huge crowd but I feel like the smaller ones are sometimes harder.  Theres more focus, the energy more direct.  From the moment the first note is played, all I can feel is energy.  A good energy kind of scary at first because its so alive.  So "there" with you.

People just love music.  It moves you and makes you feel.  It breaths life into your somewhat boring life.  Makes you want to believe in something.  I can say that we have played about 6 stages so far and every time the hush happens.  I call it the hush because I have to sit through many other acts and the energy seems messy or unfocused.  Some people bring it back, others lose it again.  See the crowd as a whole are very smart they sense exactly what I sense on stage.  They hear crap, they dislike crap.  They know when somethings purely good, they buy into it.

The first stage I stepped on (in over a year and a half) something very transformative happened.  I actually said it out loud, I said " I can feel the love."  I got a crowd smiling back at me.  Let me also add something here, it is very hard to grab the attention span of New Yorkers.  They move so damn fast and to be honest they don't really give a shit.  I knew then that something beautiful was happening.

We have to play small before we can play big, we have to put our time in.  We have to pay some dues, even though it sucks sometimes..it is what it is until the next door opens.  Its all about timing, it all happens when your ready.  This crazy little adventure I have been on makes me trust with complete confidence that I will fall exactly where I need to.  I believe in good music, I believe in a performer that takes you away from your everyday life.  I believe in our music without a shadow of a doubt.

I believe I will have to perform for 60 people before I can stand in front of 60,000 people.