Its the hardest part of love and loss. Its the hardest switch to make in your brain and to tell your heart that it just can't feel anymore. To head so fast in one direction and stop and slowly walk back the way you came. We want to fight, as if that would change things. It usually doesn't sometimes the hardest thing to do is to truly let go, to let someone go even when you don't feel justified. Sometimes when things get crazy the best thing to do is go away from it, cash your chips in and send it away with no expectation of a return. What you will find if you hold steady to this faith is something that will truly amaze you.
Just imagine all the emotional luggage we take with us throughout this journey. How heavy it becomes and how good we are at ignoring it and playing the game of pretend. The heavier it becomes the harder it is to identify and then eventually our knees give way and we are left wondering how the hell we got here. With every significant event is a new opportunity to reexamine the lesson behind it. See your part, see the others take what you need away from it and let it go. This is easier said then done, I know. I let my crash of this last year go multiple times. It would creep back in, I would let it stay and then I would wonder why my hands were holding something that didn't exist. I wondered why I would allow my heart to go back to that place when we were happy. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. These things take time. All good and real things take time to grow.
So when you let it go, don't be sad. Be so thankful for everything that it taught you. Be so grateful that whatever it was happened to you, was specific to you however "bad" your perception is. Be careful with how "bad" you label your experience. Misery and victimization loves to make a room in your house and stay for however long. You have control over this if not any other aspect of the situation, how you deal with it and how you bounce back is up to you. How you continue to love and find peace is up to you, how you forgive and let go is a process significant to you.
So it does sometimes creep in from time to time but I wrap it with love, peace and gratitude and send it on its way. Out the door, out of my house, I let it go...
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Meditation
New Yorkers always talk about the pace here and how intoxicating it becomes. Once you leave you want more and once in it you sometimes feel exhausted. 9 million people with different paths, that's something you can feel. One of the greatest gifts I ever received throughout this journey was the gift of meditation.
I brought myself to the shores of my parents house and stood on their dock, something I have been doing ever since I was little. This was right after I moved back from London and felt the most intense heartache and confusion enough for a small army to carry. My name was non-existent, my mind was as thick as clouds on a rainy day. A mess pretty much sums up this chapter of recovery although I would never admit it. I felt nothing, the strongest numbness took over my body and I felt like I was a shell of who I used to be. No one felt my pain, no one could help me. My feet walked to my neighbors door and I knocked, wasn't sure what I was going to say but something told me I just had to be there. Little did I know I was opening up more then just a door that day, I was about to feed an inner spirituality and receive a gift money could never buy. My neighbor all this time was a mediation/yoga teacher. Never did this cross my mind. I began to sit with him dawn and dusk on most mornings and nights. Clarity and quietness were the gifts I received. Where a mind was running on auto-pilot, meditation created an ocean of peace. It sorted itself out and suddenly became less about me and more about the experience. If you never go through things how could you possibly be presented with new experiences to grow and learn from. During those times I felt such a genuine peace and gratefulness that filled the pit that existed after my hardship.
We are all guilty of seeing and focusing on the negative and through this process it made so much sense why it happened. The "it" wasn't me though and the experience isn't you, things just happen. After all the mess I decided to move back to New York by myself this time and shelved meditation. 6 months into living in NYC I was reminded of how unforced that true feeling of gratitude was during that time. Meditation knocked on me yet again. Sometimes we like to drain the tank without giving anything back to it or any gratitude for where it comes from. We get sucked into routine and rush, meditation found me again and I became it again.
Every morning I sit in silence and peace if even for a moment of awareness. Its very easy to move so fast that we don't have time to give gratitude for all that we have been through or all that we have. In a moment it could all go away and I would rather know that I appreciated it when I had it then took it for granted before it was gone.
Create a moment of peace everyday for yourself, and focus on how grateful you truly are for what is around you. I start with my family and don't be surprised if it makes you cry that just means that it is probably overdue the thanks you owe for the many gifts you have in your life.
I brought myself to the shores of my parents house and stood on their dock, something I have been doing ever since I was little. This was right after I moved back from London and felt the most intense heartache and confusion enough for a small army to carry. My name was non-existent, my mind was as thick as clouds on a rainy day. A mess pretty much sums up this chapter of recovery although I would never admit it. I felt nothing, the strongest numbness took over my body and I felt like I was a shell of who I used to be. No one felt my pain, no one could help me. My feet walked to my neighbors door and I knocked, wasn't sure what I was going to say but something told me I just had to be there. Little did I know I was opening up more then just a door that day, I was about to feed an inner spirituality and receive a gift money could never buy. My neighbor all this time was a mediation/yoga teacher. Never did this cross my mind. I began to sit with him dawn and dusk on most mornings and nights. Clarity and quietness were the gifts I received. Where a mind was running on auto-pilot, meditation created an ocean of peace. It sorted itself out and suddenly became less about me and more about the experience. If you never go through things how could you possibly be presented with new experiences to grow and learn from. During those times I felt such a genuine peace and gratefulness that filled the pit that existed after my hardship.
We are all guilty of seeing and focusing on the negative and through this process it made so much sense why it happened. The "it" wasn't me though and the experience isn't you, things just happen. After all the mess I decided to move back to New York by myself this time and shelved meditation. 6 months into living in NYC I was reminded of how unforced that true feeling of gratitude was during that time. Meditation knocked on me yet again. Sometimes we like to drain the tank without giving anything back to it or any gratitude for where it comes from. We get sucked into routine and rush, meditation found me again and I became it again.
Every morning I sit in silence and peace if even for a moment of awareness. Its very easy to move so fast that we don't have time to give gratitude for all that we have been through or all that we have. In a moment it could all go away and I would rather know that I appreciated it when I had it then took it for granted before it was gone.
Create a moment of peace everyday for yourself, and focus on how grateful you truly are for what is around you. I start with my family and don't be surprised if it makes you cry that just means that it is probably overdue the thanks you owe for the many gifts you have in your life.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
The Ocean.
Since moving back to NYC for the second time and being taught all the many lessons here, there was a huge part of me that craved peace. A peace that a bustling city can't give to you. A inner peace that the noise and constant flow of people distracts you from.
On this particular day I got on a train. I wasn't entirely sure where I was going but I knew I wanted to break away. I transferred around the trains a few times and part of the intrigue was that I didn't always know where I was going but I knew I wasn't lost. The trains shuffled me around and then I was above ground as the train made stops every few minutes. When you get into the subway you feel like a sardine in a tuna can, your practically making out with the person next to you. Then as you get further away from the city the people slowly dissipate and eventually you are the only one left. The train took me to the very last stop, over an hour out of the city.
There it was. Massive and beautiful and without having a map the inner compass brought me to it. I stood on the edge as the cold waves reminded me that winter really didn't get its fair chance this year. In this moment of peace I started to understand more clearly the journey I had been on and how simple life is outside of it. I love what New York can do but I love the simple things more perhaps that's the Minnesota girl in me. The sand was so warm and inviting and it took me about 2 miles along the coast barefoot to realize that hours had passed. There was no concept of time in this place, it was just that peaceful and beautiful that you completely became it and didn't want it to go away.
We all know that sound, we can hear it even when we are nowhere close to the sea. The crashing consistent waves and seagulls flying overhead. The way the ocean makes you feel so small because nature is so massive and perfect. At times the wind would pick up and create a sandstorm right in front of me, it looked like a desert. I was covered in sand and rode the train back that way. The ocean didn't want to let me go and I could have slept on the beach that day. It was a perfect reminder to not get caught up in how massive NYC is and to always value the simple things in life. This town is all man-made but the things I love in this world are not, they are real and mystical and offer such insight if you quiet yourself long enough to hear the answer.
On this particular day I got on a train. I wasn't entirely sure where I was going but I knew I wanted to break away. I transferred around the trains a few times and part of the intrigue was that I didn't always know where I was going but I knew I wasn't lost. The trains shuffled me around and then I was above ground as the train made stops every few minutes. When you get into the subway you feel like a sardine in a tuna can, your practically making out with the person next to you. Then as you get further away from the city the people slowly dissipate and eventually you are the only one left. The train took me to the very last stop, over an hour out of the city.
There it was. Massive and beautiful and without having a map the inner compass brought me to it. I stood on the edge as the cold waves reminded me that winter really didn't get its fair chance this year. In this moment of peace I started to understand more clearly the journey I had been on and how simple life is outside of it. I love what New York can do but I love the simple things more perhaps that's the Minnesota girl in me. The sand was so warm and inviting and it took me about 2 miles along the coast barefoot to realize that hours had passed. There was no concept of time in this place, it was just that peaceful and beautiful that you completely became it and didn't want it to go away.
We all know that sound, we can hear it even when we are nowhere close to the sea. The crashing consistent waves and seagulls flying overhead. The way the ocean makes you feel so small because nature is so massive and perfect. At times the wind would pick up and create a sandstorm right in front of me, it looked like a desert. I was covered in sand and rode the train back that way. The ocean didn't want to let me go and I could have slept on the beach that day. It was a perfect reminder to not get caught up in how massive NYC is and to always value the simple things in life. This town is all man-made but the things I love in this world are not, they are real and mystical and offer such insight if you quiet yourself long enough to hear the answer.
Monday, May 7, 2012
N Y C
The saying goes if you can make it here you can make it anywhere. Theres a reason someone said that and New York is totally different when you live here verse visiting. Its also different when you move here by yourself. The undercurrent of energy is completely intoxicating and before you know it your swimming in it.
The thing about this place is one its massive. I mean you could walk and walk and get completely get lost within the concrete. Second people are always on the go, they run really fast here. Someone once told me something that has stuck with me he said " make sure you go at your own pace, you don't always have to keep up." Talk to most New Yorkers and they will tell you this truth. I was hardly here the first time so I didn't get it at first. Now this second time I understand completely what they mean. I didn't even know this but one day I was walking in SOHO and looked around me to find that we were all like a school of fish. I dropped back and watched all the people continue on, HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN PART OF THE SCHOOL OF FISH without knowing? Going to the overall energy of those around me. Now I know to go to my own beat and its amazing what new places I have found. Its never wise to move too fast at anything, it will find you.
Its just the energy of 9 million people all on one island, that's something you can feel. That's something I cant really describe, but you feel it when you fly into New York. I feel it when I take one of many walks throughout the city. I can feel it when I change neighborhoods but mostly the energy if not careful can take you and spit you out if it chooses. This city is not the easiest to master, its loud and in your face. It ignores you then sends you the biggest hug. As the tides in the ocean change so does the flow within the city. It gives you things all at once and then weeks will go by and I feel nothing from New York. You have people passed out on the streets, you have woman on the Upper East wearing the most expensive fur. You have the most massive buildings filled with banks and dripping with wealth surrounding you then I walk into my neighborhood and see the project's in the distance. I mean you get the extremes in both directions here. Its something you don't get in a day, or a month or 4 overtime you just start to see what this city can do to you. What it can make out of you and also what it wont fake for you.
As of today I am still madly in love with New York. It never stops feeding my curiosity and making me want to do and be better. The learning curve here is unlike any other place in the whole world. I have my moments where I just don't get it but if this was all taken away from me I believe a small piece of myself would die of disappointment. I'm glad I got to be here by myself, I'm glad I took a risk twice. I regret nothing.
The thing about this place is one its massive. I mean you could walk and walk and get completely get lost within the concrete. Second people are always on the go, they run really fast here. Someone once told me something that has stuck with me he said " make sure you go at your own pace, you don't always have to keep up." Talk to most New Yorkers and they will tell you this truth. I was hardly here the first time so I didn't get it at first. Now this second time I understand completely what they mean. I didn't even know this but one day I was walking in SOHO and looked around me to find that we were all like a school of fish. I dropped back and watched all the people continue on, HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN PART OF THE SCHOOL OF FISH without knowing? Going to the overall energy of those around me. Now I know to go to my own beat and its amazing what new places I have found. Its never wise to move too fast at anything, it will find you.
Its just the energy of 9 million people all on one island, that's something you can feel. That's something I cant really describe, but you feel it when you fly into New York. I feel it when I take one of many walks throughout the city. I can feel it when I change neighborhoods but mostly the energy if not careful can take you and spit you out if it chooses. This city is not the easiest to master, its loud and in your face. It ignores you then sends you the biggest hug. As the tides in the ocean change so does the flow within the city. It gives you things all at once and then weeks will go by and I feel nothing from New York. You have people passed out on the streets, you have woman on the Upper East wearing the most expensive fur. You have the most massive buildings filled with banks and dripping with wealth surrounding you then I walk into my neighborhood and see the project's in the distance. I mean you get the extremes in both directions here. Its something you don't get in a day, or a month or 4 overtime you just start to see what this city can do to you. What it can make out of you and also what it wont fake for you.
As of today I am still madly in love with New York. It never stops feeding my curiosity and making me want to do and be better. The learning curve here is unlike any other place in the whole world. I have my moments where I just don't get it but if this was all taken away from me I believe a small piece of myself would die of disappointment. I'm glad I got to be here by myself, I'm glad I took a risk twice. I regret nothing.
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