This is my second time living in New York and this second time around I did it all on my own. The first time I was here seems like a faded blur of distant memories that mean nothing to me now. I took all the possible good away from it, nailed the coffin shut and buried it months ago in a place in which it belongs. I visit the grave from time to time only paying my respects for what it taught me and how it changed me. Now I am moving yet again within New York and when I knew I had to move my soul let out such a terrible cry that this was all hanging together by what felt like a string. The thing about Manhattan is that it has taught me so much about myself. When I first came here I thought everyone was their word and their word was good and trusted. 9 million fish swimming in a sea, I learned the hard way. I believed in everything and everyone but now a trusted filter has been built and sometimes I fear its made me guarded. My safety and protection was my number one priority. The bottom-feeders always scared me and they know who's new. It doesn't matter if you are in the countryside or a busy metropolitan, safety and protection is something you build in the inside and radiates onward.
I walk in the projects everyday just to feel my inner instinct pull and tug. I walk without headphones so I remember to listen. The heavy has enriched my soul in more ways then I could ever explain. I walked into the afraid and smiled the whole 8 blocks even though the energy wanted to take from me. I held steady. Manhattan taught me that. It hands you experiences over and over again until you learn and graduate to the next level, this is also called life.
When I found out I had to move, I thought about letting this all go. Surrounding myself with the deep love of my family and friends. Going back to the land that raised me and taught me about my inner connection to nature. Running into my parents lake that has been cleansing me since I was in diapers. I want to have my niece fall asleep on my chest. I want to drive and know where all the stop signs are in-between my parents house and my small hometown. I thought about it but then this inner thing happened. I hear a no. Its faint, but its there. When Im really quiet and the city is asleep, I hear it. It doesn't come from my head or my arm or even my leg, it comes from my gut right underneath my heart. I didn't go through what I went through for me to cash it all in after such a short time. Its not a pride thing, or that I would feel like a dog with its tail between the legs. NO. Its that Manhattan wont let me go because Im not ready to let Manhattan go. We have always loved each other and I made it one year by myself and I know it has more for me that if I give up now it will put a pit in my soul. A deep regret that will read on every inch of skin I have. It will take the blue away from my eyes and the inner hope and faith I have will resemble that of a prune. No. No. No.
Thats why Im not ready yet because I have this inner fight that says you are in round 37, never said this was easy and you are a bloody fucking pulp but you have one more swing left in you. So swing god dammit.
