Pursue it With Happiness or Not at All.

It haunts me what I could of been.  What I should do today but don't.  All the belief of a thousand men but not a shred of fucking hope on most days anymore, from the one whom actually makes it all come to life.  Although its not over yet most days I journal about fear, theres a whole other series you never get to read..

I sit down by the waters edge everyday for 2 hours.  If I don't, Manhattan will get me.  Don't forget my love for NYC but my forever happiness for nature takes precedence.  Always.  I sit alone within nature and most days fear creeps in like a haze of a lingering rainstorm.   My faith is shaken because when you are an artist you live it on most days, alone.  There is so many people around you yet you could be in the fullest of rooms and feel, still alone.   You could have the most incredible of families and still at the end of the day feel, alone.  You study, you write, you follow, you pursue and somehow in someway you never fully feel comfortable with what your doing.  The difference is you don't follow some written out formula.

Grow. Go to high school, go to college..graduate (or not).  Job, marriage, baby, back to job.   Marriage continues, life resumes.  Baby grows.  Money is tight, love plays out. Marriage buckles, child learns.   2nd baby comes.  Job bends.  Marriage resentful. Kids grow.  And all the wonderful things in between.  Its most certainly not the end yet, life resumes.  And it all continues.  I wish I could follow this.  I admire this life, most days I want this life.  An artist wont have this life.  I wont have this life.  Not that theres nothing that happens in between this life and that life.

The point is that we all have different pursuits.  The most open of hearts to share it with a child.  The courage to abandon yours for theirs.  Regardless if by accident or planned, to be involved in life..is living.  Continuing to see it grow and to choose to stick with it is a character builder.  A mother, an artist is no different.  They harvest a seed and watch it grow.  Maybe a different flower. different intent but passionate about something.  ANYTHING is so very important in our time of distractions.  So live your life and when you do decide that it wont be a job done 50% that when people speak at your funeral they will remind everyone else what you did here.

It

is

that

short...

Go 100% towards it.