The Red Stairs.

I think there is a hard truth that seems to slap you dead in the face.  That truth is somewhat of a hard pill to swallow and when you wake to its realization you wonder how you got there all along.  What road did I stumble down.  How did I at the crossing of right and wrong choose this?  Fuck, can I go back?  Am I here for a lesson..I found myself on my birthdays eve on the red stairs in Times Square.  That's where I wanted to go, so I went.

I remember the feeling New York gave me when I first arrived.  It was so shiny and filled with opportunity.  Flying into it used to give me butterflies and I swear the streets looked gold to me.  I went to red stairs in remembrance of this feeling.  I like watching people that come to NYC and go to Times Square for the first time.  Their eyes big and wondrous, they have been watching this place on TV every New Years from the time they've been in diapers.  I sat and I cried.  I truly have a heartbeat for New York but overtime it not only shows you what it can do but also what it cant do..for some.  It shows you what your capable of and what you still need to learn.  And it all happens at an intense rate.

I watched as little girls painted the massive big screens with hopeful envy.  I saw cameras as if they were fireflies in the dead of a forest.  No one looks down, everyone looks up to the high heavens.  So much light your almost blinded.  If Times Square turned all the lights off for 5 minutes I believe it could save enough energy to light a small village in Africa for a week.  I sat and I cried and then I prayed because I know I'm losing faith but more importantly I am the wall that blocks me. This truth is for everyone.  You are your own roadblock. You are the gatekeeper and you hold the key to EVERYTHING.  I sat and I smiled.  When your quiet enough you can hear your own fury.  You can see the storm that isn't settled.  Your not content, yet.  There is a beautiful thing that happens in that moment.  You want more.  Tears streamed beautiful streaks of black liner down the apples of my cheeks and I listened.  I sat in the dead of hopeful and losing faith and on those red stairs I chose hope.

There is nothing more daunting then when you lose faith in yourself because then you lose faith in everything else.