Its been a year and a half. Even when I was on stage then I was a pussy and held back. Not sure entirely why but I was untrained and under practiced. I didn't lock myself in the bathroom for half the day, I just didn't have enough drive or disciple. I was in the wrong place and singing from a place that didn't mean anything. I was just a likable voice but nowhere on was an emotional vulnerability, you saw no scares. You felt no pain, you didn't believe me. You just listened but I didn't move you. I didn't go into your chest and touch parts of your heart you didn't know existed. I didn't make you think anything, I didn't challenge you enough. I read words on paper, there is such a difference. HUGE difference.
Now I know I have a long road ahead of me. I did one live performance at a small venue for about 60 people, but all I know is something is different. I feel something different, I move different...I feel my story being told and although fucked up we all share in it. I believe it and too often in this world we tend not to believe. I could hear a pin drop, I could hear someone breathing to the left of me. I could see everyone in the front row, I felt the heat of the lights on my face. I was home..
The truth remains though and there is one honesty to this story and that is that I am not myself when I go too long without the stage. I'm not me. Without it I feel as if I'm a shadow of myself. This is awesome because it makes me want to seek out every stage, big or small. I don't care, I just want it. Audience or not (although it helps).
I couldn't rehearse anymore, I couldn't repeat the lyrics any more then I did. I couldn't help the butterflies right before I was called up. I couldn't fight the intense feeling of pride that I had created something. The first is always the weirdest but from the moment I opened my mouth, I was at home. A home I hadn't felt in a year and a half. I missed it. I was scared of it but I also intensely missed it, its shameful that I would go so long. I had to go through this tho, the fact remains I wouldn't take any of it back.
My mother said "You are not Justin Bieber, your words come from a different place, a place that lasts."
Sing from that place.
Believe in that place.
Go to that place.
When on stage stay there in the place that makes you feel vulnerable but yet alive.
And never stop searching for that next stage. PERIOD.
