When making big changes it sometimes may feel as if its not your own at first. A big move, a turn against the tide a following of something that just feels right. It almost makes you feel as if you have earned it so once you get it there will be a sense of pride. After 4 major moves in the last year, I can say that I have created a little piece of heaven so far away from where my heart rests. There was days I wanted to run from fear and rejection. There where days I missed my family so much that if I thought about it too much I would cry. Thats the part about risks and changes, you experience a whole world of things that are new, but at the end you always end up ok.
There was no comfort at first but an unwavering faith held from within that kept me afloat. That tide changes from day to day as well. One day without a shadow of a doubt I just know...and then something sets in and a shade appears and suddenly I feel without a compass in a forest as thick as fog. Thats the deal you make with the creative process. Its got you but it cant be forced. If you love it enough and put energy into it, it will come back to you. It really is dependent on how you think and feel about it, this goes for anything in your life. Its very basic and its that easy. When your in it however it feels like pulling teeth. That changes too.
This may seem morbid but I sometimes think about my last hour on earth. What I would say to those I love and how I would want to be remembered. When I think about this I see more clearly what needs to be cultivated now. Death doesn't scare me not fulfilling what I was destine to do here, does. Although I dont think about it often when I am in moments of patience and low creativity, and I see the eyes of my family looking down at me it lights something again. Because thats the fight you often have with stuff like this. When you see a imaginary final it takes you out of your current hangups and says "its not over yet BUT you can't skip certain important steps."
I wonder if you were to see this final hour, would there be anything you would change? Is your current situation ideal, if the hour was upon you now..would you be content? I would hope that if the answer was no, you will have enough courage and strength to seek what it is you truly want. At the very least question it..
