Daring Greatly.

Recently I was recommended a book. Its funny how things find you when you are in need. Sometimes with lack of understanding or loss of expression there comes along something that assists you.  I have always found this to be true. The book has become very popular as of late and although Im not a fan of self help books, this one has changed my mind. Its called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I was a skeptic, hiding the title of the book in public. Hiding it in general because I cared that people might think I needed help.  As I continued my book hiding I was doing the exact thing the book is against. I was in fear and shame, in lack of vulnerability.  In captive to the thoughts and perceptions of people around me.  I continued reading. I have been running for 4 years and it never occurred to me how guarded New York made and how through art I have become resistant to vulnerability. When you share something to the public like in my case a full album, the thoughts of what people would think always haunted me.  Was it good enough? Do people understand my lyrics? Am I good enough?Through expression and becoming an artist I have learned how vulnerable it can be to release something into the world and have little to no perceived impact. I am also new at this my journey of serious pursuing artist started almost 5 years ago.  I should write a book about all the many ups and downs comes from that journey alone.  Either way its a book that will change you especially if you have gotten off course. Its also the admitting of that very fact that has started a process for me.

Im not hiding the book anymore. Through it I am learning.  Sometimes things find you in your deepest of need. Coming from a place where we don't really talk about feelings and to see someone struggle where I am from isn't encouraged because its something we don't really talk about. Even though we all have fears, we all share in shame and lack of the true meaning of vulnerability.  A word I feel released from.  The thing about my journey is that most of my worth was coming from approval of others and the art I was putting out into the world. A lonely world. This doesn't just effect me but it could be transcend to being a mother, getting promoted at work, leaving a relationship.  Its an ache that makes it feel even more lonely.  We don't like talking about the hard stuff but its the not talking that can make things feel even more trapped.  We forget we are so much more. More then the perceived shortcomings. The "stuck" feeling is perhaps a misunderstanding of our true accomplishments.  The things my family doesn't see because I didn't share enough or don't tell my true feelings because of the lack of empathy.  Sometimes empathy is only shown when we can relate but I think if you truly love someone the relating is unnecessary. Its offering an ear, a shoulder, a connection that doesn't need the relating part. Its being heard, really heard. Its a not an easy realization because I wonder how long have I let this slide by. The most powerful thing now is that one can always change.  Without acknowledgment change cannot come.

This journey never had a map. Its a fact that has taken me years to get used to. Its the not knowing that festers fear and doubt.  The impatience that spins me out of control at times. With the help that seems to find me, instead of living in shame and the not good enough I am learning what truly defines who I am.  Its having courage and sensitivity to express your gift and appreciate the gift in others. Im not saying I woke up and in one day my perception changed but its a journey worth committing myself to. Also just being there without judgment but with empathy.

 I think as I become older, the mystic of childhood rubs off. I become a woman and miss when I remember being a child that knew no better.  Its scary out there, sometimes. That hasn't stopped me and I hope even though we aren't kids anymore that we still hold onto imagination and curiosity to find answers to life's most daring of questions. I always remember my time is short here and I would like to know that at least I looked fear in the eye. At least I knew what it was like to soar on the edge of the world, or what felt like the edge to me. That I lost, I failed, I cried, I felt crazy at times, I shared, I expressed and I had courage to be vulnerable in my experience.

 I hope today you find out what that means for you.

One Month In.

Theres clear differences between the coasts.  Its easy to see when you have spent time in both.  All places have differences, both have pros and both have cons. Depends on what you are looking for. The nature balance between pursuing art and finding an escape is definitely different in Cali.  The beach is in your back yard and there truly is something special about riding the boardwalk with a bike. Some have said Cali is the annoying little brother to New York City when it comes to creative enlightenment that I know can happen in both cities. I see creativity in both cities, I can love them both for what each offers and what each fails to offer.  When it comes to art anyway, location shouldn't matter all that much.

I live in infamous Venice Beach and if you have never visited I highly recommended it. It truly seems like a different world compared to other cities. Its weird, artsy and located right on the most perfect beach. Well a perfect beach in my opinion anyway. Its health conscious with a hippie approach to the world. Theres poverty and a whole street given to the homeless.  You feel both grateful for your life and saddened by the less fortunate that are all around you.  After awhile you just get used to it. Its a true problem.

You wake up with the sun and go to sleep at a decent hour. There is no New York minute here which is nice for a change. You recycle here which is excepted of you and not so much in New York. Its clean, very clean here. The list goes on and on but I will always love New York thats where I started and for that reason it will always have a piece of me.

Its an adjustment for sure, moving is always a stressful event. The more I do it, the less comfortable I feel which you would think would be opposite. I do feel healthier here in a way.  I appreciate things about both and think everyone should experience each of them.  When I look back Im excited that in my 20's I welcomed the adventure of 2 truly amazing cities.

Pacific

I can't say what it does
It's affect is magical.
As I look on to the pacific,
As the the moon kisses the tides,
I am taken.
I don't know how I am.
But away from you,
I am but a mess.
But suddenly all is ok
I go with the sound.
Am one with the roar
And the fury.
Suddenly life as I know it
Doesn't seem all that bad.
Because there is this beautiful thing
That I can not explain.
And life becomes good again.

Thank you.

I never said it was easy.  The adjustment to moving wears on routine and finding your place again, whatever that means.  It means different things for different people.  Finding your home, anything that feels like home.  Feeling like you have a place that's yours.  Feeling out of place in new adventures.  Not being bogged down with lack of consistancy.  It's hard sometimes, most times.  Moving is stressful and exciting.  I feel like I'm a pro always taking on new adventures that sound exciting but still come with downsides. I'm not a professional though, I feel stress.  I am way too familiar with lonilness and feeling like a fish out of water.  It's not glamorous, most days I miss my family.  I miss my idea of what home is and find it and seek it in new places.  I still know where home is and no other place compares to it.  But I can't go back now and that sucks sometimes.

I did give up a life of routine and what some would call consistancy.  I was a teacher then a Morgage broker and always felt unsettled.  I did have an awakening that forever changed my life.  Don't get me wrong I am grateful.  I am grateful for every road this life has offered to me.  As the days continue to pass and my life continues to offer new adventures I still am shocked that I was offered this ride.  That I recieved both challenging and rewarding changes that I embraced with a price of course.  That through my eyes I view life much differently.  Every so offen I say thank you to a journey that isn't complete yet.  I wonder if others do this or if it's just me.  If in a routine life, do they know what they have? Is it the life you have always wanted or did it take you for a ride? A ride I will never forget.

For the faces and places I have seen I am grateful.  For those who have put up with my journey both good and bad, I say thank you.  For always offering me challenges and risks.  For the good and the bad. For moments when I stop.  For moments I feel lost.  For moments when I wouldn't have it any other way.  I am thankful.  For the love of my family always teaching me that whereever this life takes me I always have a home. For the signs I have received along the way, for singing on New York stages.  For bringing me to LA. For the places I haven't been yet, I am grateful because I feel like I am living.  Living a life that always amazes me.

From Brooklyn to Venice Beach.

It was a decisions that had been weighing for a few weeks.  Wether I could give up New York and move to another creative city.  Was I done with the dog race that is New York? With all it's grit and rim.  With all it's magic and for me history.  The chapter of my life that changed me, forever.  It's a place not for everyone but it was mine and treated me well.  It does lack the balance of nature which is a part of me I can never ignore.  At least LA has a beach and a gorgeously spiritual one at that.  One that puts you in a meditative place where in New York I had to force myself to meditate. All choices, all decisions all keeping me up at night.  Regardless of what people think they know about me, although my decisions seem like they come out of no where it's something I weigh.  I'm a libra after all, must weigh all pros and cons. When I decide however, I have decided after many moons of should I or should I not.

I am a believer in opportunity and doors opening that only present themselves at moments in your life.  When the timing is right, when its supposed to.  You may never get this option again.  Keeping in mind your home base so if things fall apart you can come home. There is always home.  Be careful what you wish for however you might get doors that open that must be walked through.

It wasn't the easiest leaving and sometimes living in New York after almost 4 years. I cut my teeth and struggled for the entire time.  With small breaks of relief in between.  No one tells you how broke you might be.  How alone you might feel.  How lost moments affect you, how guilt of being away from family will be a hole in your heart that will never heal.  The upward climb, the downfall. The craziness. Ups and downs but fuck I loved it cause I felt like I was living and not settling. Growing and not dying a slow death.  Evolving not standing still. Learning about myself instead of avoiding my downfalls. This is part of the chaos. This is part of the story of when you break out of everything that is normal to you and conformed and create your own destiny.  Your own life.  Thank you New York for showing me this.

It was sad, I love New York for what it taught me.  How it grew me and made me see things about life.  It was an experience I will hold forever dear to my heart.  To my soul. It's not goodbye, it's see you soon. It took this small town girl and showed her the world.  A  world that opened my eyes to how short it is and how you should find out what you love.  Go against the norm and pave your way however hard it's worth it.

Here's to living and creating my second album on the boardwalk of Venice beach.  With sand between my toes and The Doors playing in the background. With artists showcasing their crafts and hints of  graffiti so I never feel too far away from where I started in the Lower East Side, Manhattan.

Heres to a new adventure in Los Angeles, California.

Cocaine.

We wanted an after party.
Deep into the streets.
Kids siting on a stoop,
Somewhere in Manhattan.
It was after 3.
He told me it's New York.
Let's just walk,
so we did.
It always looks like Film Noir.
That's what I love after midnight.
We walked up with some "models"
Didn't take long.
We mixed drinks,
And talked.
Hung out with strangers.
Then I saw powder.
As white as snow, but in lines.
On an iPad...
Separated in perfect symmetry.
Pupils dilated.
Jaw swinging like a swing set.
Suddenly we were at a party.
I didn't know what this meant.
Even the sight of it
made me feel, gross.
I had to leave.
Just to see it and watch others do it.
In 3 days I have seen 3 examples of it.

And I know it's still not for me.

So I left by myself.

Hide and Seek.

I felt I lost her.
Through the way of my aging hands
I thought she was gone.
Running down the streets under the golden sun.
Hair blonde as hay
Blue eyes that gave way to the sun.
The world stopped.
She was 2.
And a half.
10 minutes was too long.
But I knew she wouldn't couldn't possibly,
Walk down the street.
I would run for miles.
I yelled...
No answer.
I sensed the fate.
Our fate.
Your fate.
But you were hiding,
I would give my life if you went missing.
You were deep within a nook,
Hiding.
You were playing hide and seek
I was thinking you were lost.
Then I realized how much I have aged.
When I found you,
Hiding.

Who's living?

The 9 to 5ers. Keeping with the man and making money. The ones with the bonus, always an incentive. To keep you wanting. Then retirment comes maybe you're 60 or only just 40.  That paycheck and raise sure feels good though.  Not quite the boss but wotking towards something.  Dear god does a vacation in the middle of Januray sound nice. But are you even relaxed? It's a nice controlled life. Then a tragity, perhaps a death makes life ever so fragile and even more real.  Maybe it's cancer or a job layoff.   Either way the flatline feels more like a pulse.  Maybe you are living.  You will get married and have kids but still stay awake in the dead of the night sometimes wondering.  Always wondering, when it's quiet and when you are alone.  In your cat in the hat neiborhood with your perfect lawn and your name inscribed coffee mug.  Your perfect shelves stocked with your things at Walmart.  That you buy because it's what makes you comefortable.  It's a comforting life.
No matter the cost.  It's worth fighting for and paying for.  You get married and have kids. Raise kids which is a great joy. You find love in a hard place or get divorce which brings much understanding.

Then you have the dreamer.  The no sky's the limit seekers. The ones lost without a map. The ups and downs of constant personal strife.  The booze hits harder here, the reality of death is much too clear and often not a threat.  You feel everything here perhaps the world sometimes. There is no paycheck.  There is no god.  There is nothing but silence of nature and perhaps your art.  It is the loniliest place on earth.  No one comes to visit and family even turns away in lack of understanding.  You control nothing and wouldn't want it that way for life unfolds before the seeker. You have horrid delusions of depression and a disposition about life you think no one understands.  You are an artist.   Sculping away at your craft only unfolding before you.  And only you.  It's personal until you receive affirmations that what you sown has found a way.

Now tell me who's living?

To Be Sown.

In 3 months my first album has sold under 1000 units.  It may not seem like a lot to you but to me I am very grateful.  The goal with this album was to create honest and real pieces of music from scratch. To avoid auto tune and to record in under 3 takes. This we have accomplished with To Be Sown.  Here's to the next 2 albums currently in the works and for genuin, honest and real music.

https://itunes.apple.com/album/to-be-sown/id830744910#.UxbT-9oe7MY.email

A Place Called Home.

There's something nastolgic about airports.  The way people pass in a hurry, I always wonder where they are going.  There's the traveling to a new place or maybe a familiar place.  Within hours into a missile through different time zones and 35,000 feet from the world.  I love every second of it.

People with venti coffees and rollar bags.  People looking tired and dated usually the ones sitting up at the bar before noon.  There's nothing special that happened today with a layover as slow as molasses, I get to people watch in Detriot.   It's a sleepy town,  the energy of people is low.  Not low as in depressed, low like easy going.  I can feel the moment I leave New York that time slows down. It's very subtle but it happens the moment the plane lifts from the ground something happens.  Then you land somewhere and there's space and slow moving people.  All my familiar things.  There's the waitress that is sweet and attentive.  A coffee takes at least 5 minutes here.  It's nice.  I am never rushing.  New York is a lot of rushing just to wait, here you kinda just settle in to the natural flow of  simpler times.  The difference between the 2 sometimes confuses me.

It takes me 2 days to snap out of New York but once I do it's a beautiful thing. It's almost like I smoked a joint in what feels like a high haze the sky becomes bluer.  Like each minute I can feel and it's long.  I sleep better. My 8 year old self surfaces again and from deep within I am happy mostly because I am home. It's all I have ever known.

Going home is crucial, some people try to erase that side of themselves as if that's possible.  It's a giant reminder of where you came from and where you are going.  I'm just lucky cause I get the best of both worlds.

When I was a Morgage Broker.

This city breaks you down.  It's like concrete that's wet, your feet never quite make it.  I still think of memories of days I didn't need to think as much. This city is a bomb.  A game.  A stream of people just at best, trying.  Falling in love then in hate with it.  Dealing with the ego and peoples "stuff". I wonder what the world is like to not want something, badly.  Or only want certain things, badly.

I was a mortgage broker once.  Sitting in a cubical field so deep you get lost.  I had to mark what row I was in with a marker for the first 2 weeks.  I drove in and watched the sunrise and home when the sunset. Then I didn't want much, I wasn't happy though.  It was a nice world to live in when your just kinda living.  Doing the normal, following what you've been taught.  I loved the money.  We had office potlucks filled with taco dip and something in a crockpot.  I sat in meeting that allowed me to daydream.  Ate lunch at 12:15 and took a 30 minute break.  For me I always took an hour.

A woman one day that never moved from her desk, fell asleep.  This woman that never said a word and never ate lunch.  One day I watched her.  While the work pilled up, I couldn't keep my eyes off of her.  That day she fell asleep amongst the work week.  That was the day I thought I would die not doing what I love.  If then and only then, I wouldn't want to sleep for I would miss it.  That's the thing about dreams, you always think the grass is greener.

I just know one thing, life is short. In this consciousness for what we know you must do what you love.  You take the bad and the good, realizing it's only part of it but totally worth it in the end.

Where Did The Dreamer Go?

I do it for the child in me.
That secret spot.
Where nobody went.
Climbing trees.
Being kids.
Freedom.
It's a magical thing,
when you underestimate it.
Grass clippings become things.
Blood shot eyes filled with chlorine.
But we played.
We were only kids.
Not a care in the world.
Maybe thats the secret.
Those were the days.
Forts?
Shall we...
Bedding is off limits.
Pull table chairs from kitchen table.
When you were free,
To be a child.
Then you get older.
Wiser.
Growth is one thing,
Progress is another.
But to be a child,
Or to know better.

Maybe it's Me.

I sometimes have fear that it will all go away.  That every step I have taken will magically disappear overnight like ripples in a pond.  That the thing I have worked so hard for will be lost in a moment. I always fear in something that perhaps doesn't exist.  Fear governs us all is not just within myself.  I wonder a lot of things.  What would happen if I woke up and it was over, is it ever really over?  I stood on what felt like the edge of the world and declared to the world I was ready, but was I? Neivness is crucial because if we knew everything what would be the fun?  Is this really fun though? The struggle, if it was supposed to be why does it seem so fragile?  The questions flood my mind like a river with no dam. I always question, I always ask why.  The discontent I always feel has helped me but could Manhattan be slowly slipping away from my grip.  When this lease goes up will it find me again? Did I ever have it?

I wonder sometimes if I loved it more then it loved me.  You must be careful what you wish for.  I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night, look around my room and feel content with my desicion.  Although I'm never content with where I am at.  Like a shadow, most days I wonder if this is it.  Have I reached my point? Did I do everything and could I go away? I guess that's the thing about dreams.  It takes a life of their own, exceeding expectations you never knew and taking you on a ride you didn't foresee.   With your original idea in mind, life happens and you find yourself analyzing if people understand it or if it fully was brought to life the way in which you saw it.

What's there to be afraid of?  I know this life is short and I know you only live it once, this fact doesn't scare me.  Leaving New York scares me.  But why? As if I couldn't do this anywhere else or perhaps I wouldn't be pushed the way in which Gotham does.  It will peel you out of your skin.  It's ruthless even if you start out nice.   To what extent do you need a city to capture your dream? When is it time to go? Most people don't make it a year, I'm almost on 3.  Maybe it's not even New York, maybe it's me.

Fighting for a dream ain't easy, but every fail and every tear has been worth it.   New York brought out the fighter in me.  Makes you realize why you do certaint things.  When it comes to your life, you have to decide, once you do the path is then put in place.  New York taught me that, we are all just people that have an idea.  That thought certain things and get to see it unfold in front of us.  That's a life worth living no matter where you live.

Say Fu💨k It.

I know that when you read this,

It will find you well.

The message, my dear.

Is deeper than the sky.

When you look up there's holes.

We call them stars.

My dear, listen.

I have seen you grow.

Seen you believe.

It's madness I tell you,

No matter how you cut it.

But if you don't at least try.

You might as well say "fuck it"

Album Release.

When I look around the faces, the people. All artists facing a journey that comes with no map, yet we still believe. When a life more simple lays within arms reach.  I am a small town girl with just an idea.  To be sown, from the moment a seed drops. When it meets the soil, it starts to grow. From a seed to a flower, it thought always it was bigger than it was. Perhaps hasn't been, yet.

I never thought, never.   To be standing on the greatest stage of my life.   To know my voice is all that is heard, it's never easy.  I have the biggest falls with that, cause I don't know.  When I write I can only be honest cause that's all I know.  Truly.  It's all I can give. I stood and saw the faces, the people. 

My only wish is that they could see me.  Hartlee, Turtle, Bird and Issac.  To dream in this world is a splendid thing.  Forever.  I am who I am because of the children I love.  Call me a dreamer,  a believer  but at least I'm honest. 

From the bottom of my soul, the people that supported me tonight were beyond anything I could ever hope. Dream.  A rare energy, an eclectic crowd. When I sang Mama, I saw eyes roll back into their heads, a thoughtful process.  I knew then that it was worth it.  Even if it was a handful. That the connector was beyond me, that a voice in music was needed. The binder is missing. I saw people put their iPhones down and converse and drink and be merry.  Such a beautiful sight.

It's moments like this that I wonder, how did it come to be?  But then I recall his face in the rear view mirror.  The angels on my flight back from London.  The wine I drank with my mom and my sisters after not sleeping for 32 hours. I remember walking in the most beautiful summer grass, and my toes getting wet from the dew that comes from a hot summer night.  The sunshine was about to retire so the most golden of hue lite the sky. My finger tips love the feel of the cat tails that grow wild, although I'm weary of the poison ivy that greens right beside it.  When you walk through the tunnel you will see the most gorgeous lake, if you happen to catch it at dusk consider yourself lucky.   It was there I declared to the sky.  It was there I said some magic words,  that I wanted to make something beautiful out of something painful.  That I trusted the world, whatever that may be.  3 years later I released To Be Sown and couldn't be more grateful. 

1. re·lease

   riˈlēs/

   verb

   1. 1.

      allow or enable to escape from confinement; set free.

      "the government announced that the prisoners would be released"

      synonyms:

      free, set free, let go/out, allow to leave, liberate, set at liberty; More
   2. 2.

      allow (something) to move, act, or flow freely.

      "she released his arm and pushed him aside"

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   noun

   1. 1.

      the action or process of releasing or being released.

      "a campaign by the prisoner's mother resulted in his release"

      synonyms:

      freeing, liberation, deliverance, bailout; More

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   2. 2.

      the action of making a movie, recording, or other project.

      
      

      
      

      
      

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