Forever Until.

I can't make you stay, thoughts of leaving you are more present. I wish I knew you more.   I sometimes wonder what your doing.   The lines have been crossed and I'm afraid it's over.  I remember, everything.  Sometimes that's not enough.  All the flowers. All the meals I made for you with my last dollar because nothing is worst then not having a nice meal while living in NYC.   You taught me how to paint.  You always gave me the most special of gifts, the harmonica necklace will always stand out.  I loved how you always held my bag of groceries.  Anything that was too heavy.

I'm afraid though that we have gone too far.  Boundaries I fear, although never clearly defined have been lost.   I rely on you the most and this game we play is confusing and no one wins.  I did come here for a reason because if not for me then for my brothers children.  To believe in something, so that it wasn't defined for me.  Nothing is more tragic.  I hold it so close to my heart you would think it was an extension of my arm.

You grew all art for me, bigger and more grand then I could have seen.  You took my best photo.  Filmed me at my best, taught me about photography.   I believe in you as much as you believed in me, in this world it only takes one person but means everything.  It's a lonely journey out there.

I saved all your letters.  I have your rose all around my apparent, they are dry now.  I never sleep on the left side of the bed anymore.  I know how to make tacos so much better now.  I also sometimes miss that you don't come into the bathroom anymore while I take a bath.  I can still hold my breath for a minute thirty.

I also never opened fully to you.  Maybe it's my scares.  A prior relationship wound that has clipped the wings of a once soaring bird.  It was something that changed me.  Sometimes you don't see that.   I'm so grateful for it.  It's what made me start living.  sometimes you come to close to being him and I run.  I didn't come here, go through this to be contained.  I'm the most loyal.  I am the most kind.  I will never disappear but I'm losing faith in us.  When you told me you were the oak tree you said this wouldn't happen. Now it is.

Shined.

The light always
Shined
In her.
Now I see it dime.
She may never take a beautiful picture
Ever again
It was the kind of thing
You felt
Before you saw.
A glow you wanted
Somebody always gets greedy
And took perhaps enough.
She knew though.
So she hide it
In everything that mattered
so she
Never forgot how to light the world.
And than
The light always
Shined.

Montauk.

Its a sleepy town.  Almost vacant the streets at night, almost no one walks.  All you hear is the raging ocean. Its always close.  A quietness that stills the most restless of souls. Its were every thought seems to rest on each wave.  Every once shattered hope is revived.  Moment to moment happens here, with not much else to do.   Its a close place from a city that never sleeps. How can something exist so close to its opposite? Every visit feels different, a new part of the island to explore.  It reminds me of home. There no existential crisis here, except for what to eat and when to sleep.

With just a crack in the door, the most peaceful of sounds comes in. I could sleep here forever.  The rain came through this morning and every drop that fell on the rooftop was heard.  A beautiful dance that followed a deep sleep.  If you haven't slept in years, you finally woke as if you did. With the ocean and rain taking you by the hand and leading you into a peaceful journey.

This ocean is more energetic, makes you think about life.  Life in its magical way, nothing heavy.  A deep respect for what is unknown and a nonresistance to something bigger then oneself.  I can only be grateful.  It reminds me of how small I am, how much I still need to learn. Where I have come, where I still need to go.

By the ocean my thoughts are set free into a world I may not know but trust. I hear it calling me closer to it to be embraced by the smell of salt and the gentle wind thats marked by the sting of a cold January. Although I live in concrete it will never give me the solitude nature always does. It will never guild me the way nature always does.  It will never make sense the way nature always has.

Death.

Death surrounds every
Beautiful flower
That once bloomed.
All the gray.
The moss leftover.
The ivory clings
To what's left of the earth.
It's my loneliest time.
Sun still rises
But you miss the way it feels.
It's a maddening tunnel
That never seems to end.
Then I remember.
As if it just left yesterday.
The bright hopefulness of spring,
The smell of lilac,
I miss it's determination.
To try again.
Be better then last year.
Become as beautiful as it once remembered.
As I remembered.
I'm tired of seeing
Death.

Woman.

I saw her
Beautiful presence of
Womanly being
I knew I loved her then
I saw her
Essence and grace
Stockings up high
Red on her lips
You felt as if you have been with her
Before
It was the art of holding what you were up high
Pride is ones worse predator
Rare.
She was everything
It wasn't a look
Hardly a moment
When you see her
You kind of just stop.
The way the skirt hugged her.
She was everything
That mattered about
 being a woman.

The Sea.

I walk somber

Against the fainted tan

Crisp air you followed me

Salt air keeps me

I have missed you

Like memories of me

When I was...

All my darkest 

Come for you 

The promise you make

That in the end

There is only you

But that is enough. 

Playing with fire.

I lite a fire
Grew in my hands
The glow alone
Could light a world
Unknown.
I watched it dance
Fiery flames of madness
Till it blushed my palms
I got too close.
Blistered.
Heat.
Fire.
Ice cubes!
I got too close.