Daring Greatly.

Recently I was recommended a book. Its funny how things find you when you are in need. Sometimes with lack of understanding or loss of expression there comes along something that assists you.  I have always found this to be true. The book has become very popular as of late and although Im not a fan of self help books, this one has changed my mind. Its called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I was a skeptic, hiding the title of the book in public. Hiding it in general because I cared that people might think I needed help.  As I continued my book hiding I was doing the exact thing the book is against. I was in fear and shame, in lack of vulnerability.  In captive to the thoughts and perceptions of people around me.  I continued reading. I have been running for 4 years and it never occurred to me how guarded New York made and how through art I have become resistant to vulnerability. When you share something to the public like in my case a full album, the thoughts of what people would think always haunted me.  Was it good enough? Do people understand my lyrics? Am I good enough?Through expression and becoming an artist I have learned how vulnerable it can be to release something into the world and have little to no perceived impact. I am also new at this my journey of serious pursuing artist started almost 5 years ago.  I should write a book about all the many ups and downs comes from that journey alone.  Either way its a book that will change you especially if you have gotten off course. Its also the admitting of that very fact that has started a process for me.

Im not hiding the book anymore. Through it I am learning.  Sometimes things find you in your deepest of need. Coming from a place where we don't really talk about feelings and to see someone struggle where I am from isn't encouraged because its something we don't really talk about. Even though we all have fears, we all share in shame and lack of the true meaning of vulnerability.  A word I feel released from.  The thing about my journey is that most of my worth was coming from approval of others and the art I was putting out into the world. A lonely world. This doesn't just effect me but it could be transcend to being a mother, getting promoted at work, leaving a relationship.  Its an ache that makes it feel even more lonely.  We don't like talking about the hard stuff but its the not talking that can make things feel even more trapped.  We forget we are so much more. More then the perceived shortcomings. The "stuck" feeling is perhaps a misunderstanding of our true accomplishments.  The things my family doesn't see because I didn't share enough or don't tell my true feelings because of the lack of empathy.  Sometimes empathy is only shown when we can relate but I think if you truly love someone the relating is unnecessary. Its offering an ear, a shoulder, a connection that doesn't need the relating part. Its being heard, really heard. Its a not an easy realization because I wonder how long have I let this slide by. The most powerful thing now is that one can always change.  Without acknowledgment change cannot come.

This journey never had a map. Its a fact that has taken me years to get used to. Its the not knowing that festers fear and doubt.  The impatience that spins me out of control at times. With the help that seems to find me, instead of living in shame and the not good enough I am learning what truly defines who I am.  Its having courage and sensitivity to express your gift and appreciate the gift in others. Im not saying I woke up and in one day my perception changed but its a journey worth committing myself to. Also just being there without judgment but with empathy.

 I think as I become older, the mystic of childhood rubs off. I become a woman and miss when I remember being a child that knew no better.  Its scary out there, sometimes. That hasn't stopped me and I hope even though we aren't kids anymore that we still hold onto imagination and curiosity to find answers to life's most daring of questions. I always remember my time is short here and I would like to know that at least I looked fear in the eye. At least I knew what it was like to soar on the edge of the world, or what felt like the edge to me. That I lost, I failed, I cried, I felt crazy at times, I shared, I expressed and I had courage to be vulnerable in my experience.

 I hope today you find out what that means for you.