Pattern.

He was younger.
Similarities shocking.
I found his Marliyn pictures.
There was a flower,
The same I put in my hair.
He reminded me of you.
We listened to old records,
He played The Doors.
I found a poem you once sent me.
It wasn't from you but he had it.
Same words.
I paused.
Thinking,
This road I have been down before.
It felt all too familiar.
There was a darkness to him,
Seemingly attracted to it.
Why resist?
I drove down the road to meet him.
He even kissed me like you.
But better.
He couldn't resist me.
So why fight it?
We didn't.
I'm reminded of you still.
I wish you would go away forever.
Erased away like some washed up
Has been.
I don't think about you like I miss you,
I think of you with deep regret.
And now you continue to haunt me.
Only because he reminds me of you.
This time I'm not gonna let you.

A Thousand.

The smell of her haunts you.
Like she left notes on the sheets.
Kitchen pans she once cooked in.
The tasting of the love she sowed.
She haunts you when you close your eyes.
It's enough to make a man not sleep.
In fear of thinking you kissed her,
When you didn't.
Touched her porcelain skin.
Knew what it meant to lay next to her.
Waking up with disappointment.
A let down.
Because she wasn't there.
And never was.
You are the one yearning.
Just to touch her skin,
One last time.
You would wait a thousand lives.
Be pulled through the trenches.
Eat nothing.
Drink piss and vinegar.
Forget everything you knew.
Never take another breath.
Because you loved her.
In at least your dreams,
You are with her again.
And that's worth sleeping.
A thousand times over.
Just to be with her one last time.
You would sleep your life away.
To live in that place.
At least there she was with you.
A thousand times over.
You would.

Disproportion.

I didn't love you the way you loved me.
That disproportion wasn't a secret,
I think you wondered when the sand
Would run out of the hourglass.
Don't think I didn't feel that too.
So I guess we were just waiting.
Like grains of sand that collect on the beach.
Eventually picking up with the wind.
Going to separate places.
I went to the sea.
You stayed on the shore.
Always wondering of my return.
That will never happen.

Come As You Are.

Since coming home from a big city to a small town the adjustment has been interesting. It brings up an interesting topic that has been on my mind. A topic I feel close to and one that I have given much thought to. It's called judgement.  I think we get better at judging the older we become or at least we think we do. We are critical thinkers latching on to things that we can relate to and not so much to things that we can't relate to.

Needless to say my personal journey has been anything but normal and a good test for a small town. A town that most people never leave, which is to say is they're journey.  All can be judged because as we age we think we know what's best.  The real understanding is knowing that we all are on our own path.  That it's no better or worst, it's just different.  It's easy in the community that I live in now to all be doing the same things and for me I feel different.  I am looked at differently or simply ignored for lack of understanding.  It's important to note that I'm not complaining but rather observing  That's the thing about individual consciousness, it can be short-sided and is based on experiences.  It's finding the group that feeds you and understanding that no one truly has this figured out.  It's also letting go of people that no longer share in your thought. This is a truly difficult lesson.  It might mean your sister or your best friend. Once the mind expands it can no longer go back.  Some people want to stay in their consciousness  which is to say they will not relate to your new way of thinking. This is noones fault.  Your way isn't everyone's way. Your way might not be best for me and my way might not be the best for you.  I think that is the exciting part about life, that either way is a choice. Instead of thinking it's predetermined it bestows choices upon yourself.  For the randomness of life this choosing is wonderfully powerful.  It's a celebration of the human spirit and the power of choice.

When I feel judged I take a deep breathe and say to myself " I don't judge you and I would like you to not judge me." Im not saying this always works but it reminds me to be kinder to my fellow passenger.  We don't always know of a persons individual journey and I would challenge others to exercise a more loving approach to this experience.  Our brains are wired to evaluate and judge and this is to say it's not always right.  It's keeping love in your heart and an openness that comes from understanding your journey and the journey of others. Be thankful for the expansiveness of just being alive.  All the other details matter today and maybe not so much tomorrow.  The true test is in the support.  An unwavering support to not judge but expand our minds to a deeper understanding.  To not shy away from not relating but to center ourselves with those that might be different and learn something new.

As you are.