Moments Like This in Manhattan

Theres a place in Manhattan I try to avoid, a place that makes me want to run out of it as fast as I walk into it.  Its a dreadful little place filled with bright shiny lights and the human excess.  Every corporate food chain as far as the eye can see, and more people stopping and staring in awe as if it was their first time seeing bright lights.  This place is the pit of advertising and marketing and if for only a day we turned off all the lights we would solve global warming.  Seizure prone beware and the ADHD are welcome.

This day was different however.  I sat espresso in hand on the random red staircase in the mist of Times Square.  It was particularly pretty on this day, I sat.  Still and watched as so many ran, walked and passed. It wasn't as crowded as I always recall and I kid you not as I sat on the staircase the clouds parted ways and slivers of sunlight crept through the skyscrapers hitting my face.  All around me there were others doing the same as I and I didn't hate it I actually thought it was impressive.  Why had I judged Times Square so harshly?  For an entertainer it would do me no greater pleasure then to one day be plastered on the side of a giant building.

Now lets get one thing straight I would never live by Times Square, the energy isn't me but I think it's a step if I can at least sit within it.  Theres something so strange about being so small in the mist of something so large.  It made me feel like this tiny insignificant speck in the presence of over sized people plastered on the biggest screens you have ever seen.  Its cool, not as cool as where I currently live but different.

Manhattan is such a playground, within blocks so much changes.  The neighborhoods expand, shift and change.  Its incredible living here by myself, sometimes it gives me an ass whooping but overall when I sit back and look at where this year has taken me I can honestly say I wouldn't take one thing back.  I look at where I landed and I see strength, curiosity and such intense growth.  I also overcame one thing and that was that I never wanted him to have New York.  That was my biggest fear that of all the things he took from me he may still have NYC if I didn't come back.  The truth remains though that I would never let him mark this city.  This is my Manhattan, this is my city..my way.

With all my heart I heart NYC.

Its not for everyone but for me its just right...

And this is why I love Duffy..

As a songwriter I say hell yes to this song, you go Duffy.  Song called Rain on Your Parade by the one and only Duffy.

I wish you well

I hope you survive

I hope you live, oh baby, so I can watch you cry.

'Cause I know in time you'll see what you did to me

And you'll come running back.

I'm gonna rain on your parade

No, I won't take it again

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.

No, I won't take it again.

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I pity the fools who believe in you

'Cause I know someday now, they'll see your colors too.

And if you see a smile, besides my face, no I'm doing good.

Since you've been erased.

Cause I know in time you'll see what you did to me

And you'll come running back.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.

No, I won't take it again.

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.

No, I won't take it again.

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.

No, I won't take it again.

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.

No, I won't take it again.

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I'm gonna rain on your parade.

No, I won't take it again.

And I'll keep raining, raining, raining over you.

I Live For This Sh*&

So many of my hours are spent in a little cafe in my neighborhood in the LES.  I shut off everything and sit in a tiny little shoebox of a place and absorb as much information pertaining to the 1930-50's as humanly possible.  I'm like a little kid in a candy store and I feel like I hit the fucking jackpot every time I discover yet another artist that makes me smile.  Makes me fall in love although sometimes I may seem like I'm going a little crazy I understand why and I guess that's all that's needed. 

We should all do something that makes us feel something.  Its not like I'm snorting crack in a dark alley, its the kinda thing for me that lights a fire within my spirit.  I can't shut it off even if I wanted to and I want for myself the same for you.  To fall in love with something your passionate about and not care or wonder why.  To do something that just feels good, to love something without reason.  Perhaps I was born in the wrong era but the more I age the more I crave the old school, the classic.   Age is wisdom, not something that should be feared and when I research this more things become clearer.   I can't explain it and don't think I need to. This is my joy.  Below are the things that make me feel something honest, something real and that how I know its love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rr5XQ9BhOqM&noredirect=1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUtjUy3UgMA&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbS99utiV3o&feature=fvwrel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEQFZ0R-248&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTIWO0hdAeU&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hz2cZx118P0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4ZyuULy9zs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5G7UIeYGq0k&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh8ZpZkUr2Y&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVg01gzC_Vw&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWNJmM8GLy0&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sAbW0ONRBU&feature=related

Family; The Reason to Take a Risk.

I was here in the same place that I live now only a few shy months ago.  I didn't walk these streets alone, in fact this time last year I was here for an entirely different purpose.  I was living someone elses life, its fucking crazy to think of how naive I was.  Isn't that life though?  The real purpose was only to bring me to the streets of Manhattan.  It was to take my safe soles and place them in an unfamiliar place.  To scare the shit out of me, but it didn't.  It excited me, I got the opportunity to be scared.  When scared, walk into it don't run from it.  Be brave and you will see what happens.  This world is not worth staying in a bubble for.

I fight with this sometimes because it is a weird challenge to want something familiar while in such a mess of a place.  Now all I crave is something unfamiliar.  I want to see the untouched territory I have yet to experience.  I want to walk on the edge of something that makes me flirt with the idea of not having it.  I want to say that I have done it and that I would do it again even if it doesn't work out.  Some people stay so safe out of fear and see so little because that fear keeps them in such a place.  Perhaps I seem crazy because of all my jumping but sometimes not caring where you will land will take you to such a place.

There is a safety net, there always is.  For me the safety net is my family having them makes me never feel  entirely alone or out of control.  I know that if everything crumbs (like it already did once) they will help.  They wont give me more then I need but as my sister said "I will bath you if you feel like you cant" now that's love.  The real kind of love, the love that says I will stop my life for you until you are well because I am not well if you are not.  That's entirly powerful, that's the stuff this life is made of.  I would stay so safe if I didn't have a solid foundation perhaps that's why you feel the need to not extend outside of your own comfort zone.  This is the time to mend those relationships, make them strong.  Build on them, watch them fall back and then grow them once again.  That's what family does, its the only kind of relationship that can withstand even the most trying of times.  We are in trying times now, step away and look with a non-judgemental eye at the reality of your family dynamics.

The grand compromise for me is being here and having them be there
It is a compromise I think about everyday
A swelling in my heart that never goes away..
That's why I keep them in frames in my room
to remind myself everyday how lucky I am
to have
every
single
one
of
them..

Ready Set Jump..

-Dani

I Got a Challenge For You

So at the top of this fine new year, theres a challenge I have for you.  Which has become my personal mission that has received positive results.  Its all very simple really.  Being in the service industry I get to test this theory out everyday and trust me sometimes you just really dislike people.  Its hard sometimes to go above and beyond but if you hold steady to it, its amazing what comes back to you in return.

Try everyday to do something nice for someone else without expecting anything in return.  It almost becomes a habit.  For example, I gave up my seat on a 45 minute subway ride for an older woman, and for the next 45 minutes watched 2 people do the same.  I'm not sayen I started it but it was refreshing to see.  This world needs more genuinely kind acts of respect for our fellow neighbor.

There are days where all I see is people cutting each other off, or just being plain rude.  When I see this I become motivated to change it.  I don't look down on those people, I smile at them.  Life is too short to not slow down and help someone else and in return help will be offered to you when you need it.

My challenge is for you to start today with one act of kindness.  Don't be so self-centered, you need everyone around you.  Its a lesson of kindness.  I started with one and now all I look for is ways to make things a little easier and in return others help me.  We aren't in this alone although sometimes it feels that way.  If you can't even muster up enough energy to help someone you don't know then no one will muster up enough energy to help you.  Its a give and its a take and it starts with you, the leader.  And shit it feels good.  So try it for a week, see what happens.   Watch the change around you, that's why New York is so awesome because you get instant results although yours may take longer.

Doesn't this just make sense?  Seems so easy, but sometimes we see how cruel humanity can be that we also don't see our part in the grand scheme of things.

Be kind and think outside of yourself.

Dear Minnesota

Now that I'm home for the holidays I have come to a major realisation, Manhattan is fast.  Before I blinked I have been there for 2 months and it hardly feels like a week sometimes.  The last 6 months in general feel crazy fast.  After moving like what 4 times, I can tell that I am exhausted.  The truth is that after the crash I would have never survived Manhattan, the 5 months of recovery were so crucial for me to understand Manhattan by myself.  I am so happy I did my recovery in a little place called Minnesota.  

Even though Manhattan is a 3 hour flight away it sometimes feels like another world.  I am home were it is calm and easy and my mind is almost confused with the sudden change in scenery.  I never realised how fast I was running in New York.  Chasing after this thing that ding dong ditches me, as I run out the door into the streets of Manhattan trying to follow it.  I created it afterall its my own fault but in Minnesota I sorta mellow.  Feel less of need to run.

Manhattan is a wonderfully beautiful place that I am fortunate to say that I am conquering but my heart will always be in Minnesota.  Its so familiar and my heart is here because my wonderful family is here and that's so hard sometimes.   I hold baby Hartlee in my hands and wonder how I could ever say goodbye to this beautiful child.  My heart breaks but I know I need to be in Manhattan while I keep one foot on Minnesota soil.  Its the most grounding place on earth.  It slaps me back to my roots, its a nice reality check for me.  It doesn't matter where I go, who I meet, what I do there's a small town girl that will never change.  One that loves the town she was raised in, knowing where all the stop lights are.  All the back roads to get somewhere quicker, what every house looks like leading up to the home that raised me. Manhattan is so unfamiliar and constantly changing that it sometimes gets exhausting trying to keep up with it.  Sometimes we all need familiarity, some things never change.  Although Forest Lake is changing it will always be my home.  The real kinda home, not the home (or creative laboratory) I made in Manhattan but a place that gives me such a peaceful sleep, such a powerful sense of who I am, and when shit hits the fan I know Forest Lake will always be where I go to come back down to reality.

There is no more complicated feeling then to loss your sense of being grounded when in a unfamiliar new place.  It would be the scariest place on earth if I didn't keep something in Minnesota, lucky I placed my heart here.  I heart NYC but I heart Minnesota more.  Minnesota will always win because all my growing happened here. Manhattan will give me my dream and an experience that I will never forget but Minnesota will raise my children.    

Manhattan is a hard, crazy fast place filled with some real assholes that think they have everything (money) but I love when people know I'm not from there because it lights something within myself to say that I'm from some place so real and honest.  A place I call home, a beautiful little place called Minnesota and this makes Manhattan seem like a whimpering little shih tzu where its bark is far worse then it's bite.

The Honest Kinda Love..

When your feet touch a humbleness, when life throws you something unexpected it becomes such a beautiful thing.  Not when your in it sometimes you wonder what the point of it all is but then you wake up one day and realise that your feet touched humanity.  You have become grounded because life just doesn't give a f*&^ sometimes.  I love this moment.  You sluggishly recover and then become awaken to your real reality.  Something better then you ever thought happens.  You stand at a corner and can finally breath a sign of relief that its passed.  You can choose to live in it, rerun it or turn another page and start over.

You rekindle love affairs with yourself and nothing feels as good as it does when you can do it alone.  Your bed doesn't seem so empty and your relationships are full and vibrant again.  People stand with you through it and although you may have lows, they bring you back to your highs.  Life is full of splendid things but its up to you to choose to see them.  Smile, my dear smile.  You are out of it, you have recovered.  You finally get it, and you don't have to live in that mess anymore.

I woke up and finally don't feel him here anymore.  He's finally gone, I don't look for him anymore because I don't need him in the way I was convinced I needed him.  I used to feel him still by me, this is hard for me to explain because physically he is 3,000 miles away but when you have something real it doesn't end in the breakup.  It ends in the recovery.  I don't see his face anymore, and couldn't paint it even if I wanted to.  Its not there anymore.  This is a special time in the grieving process.  He is dead and I didn't bury his body until now.  This may seem morbid but it was equally as intense as it was real to me.  The shock wore off and now I had a ceremony to celebrate the loss that woke me up, finally.

No one will ever understand the pain and heartache of the last few months.  No one stayed up with me as I laid awake wondering how it all happened.  No one protected me, but me.  I would talk about it but never felt understood, they wanted to but no one could imagine the pain.  It was so specific to me.

I can say now that for me I didn't replace how I felt with someone else (so unfair) but I dealt with it head on.  I can say now 6 months later, that it is in fact over for me.  I am happy, I smile and I wouldn't take back a day of it.  I would go through the pain everyday of my life it meant I could just simply love someone with honesty and purity.  Only I know how rare that is.

To the people that honestly love, never let this go...Just try with someone else and see what happens.