When

I waited by the window
Cheeks pressed so close
A cloud appeared
We never needed to say much
but the draw was more then we knew
Flakes of forgotten rain
Slowly came falling down
Dancing a magnificent dance
Before their death to the pane
A gust twirled colorful degeneration
The seasons has changed
And yet as fierce as a flame to flint
As sure as the hand strikes 12
The only thing keeping me alive
is that I feel the chill of the fall
So maybe you wont come
When soil has turned to rust
And the green to gray
When water slows down to the speed of molasses
When it becomes so pure
Its white
When all you can hear is falling feathers
I will be there
Cheeks pressed so close
A cloud appears

Love

I hold onto you

Like my shadow you stay next to me

Even though you have been gone 

Long enough for me to not be able to see your eyes

Feel the way your lips pressed to mine

The softness of your hand on the middle of my back 

The way in which words weren't needed

Then the gray sets in 

I have been without you

Perhaps never really had you

Or only had you long enough to love you

You know someone all too well 

Then not at all

Then it all seems like a lie

The foundation gives way

The cotton it was built on 

Picked up with the wind 

Elegantly with long strokes

Went away

I go back to the place 

All that is there now is the natural hue of a time thats passed

I put my hands into the soil

Grab a handful of earth

Sift it through the fingers you once held onto

I try to let you go for what feels like the hundredth time

No matter how the story has turned 

At one time I chose you

Now I have to un-choose you

As sure as blood is red

As the sun kisses the face of a child

The moon guilds the traveler into the night

My knowing is fading

You are gone

I bury you into the earth

Everyday

Only to come back to it 

Hands grabbing onto

Something I have created 

I will never have you again

That was our time 

Now buried into the earth

We both walk on 

The Last Hour

When making big changes it sometimes may feel as if its not your own at first.  A big move, a turn against the tide a following of something that just feels right.  It almost makes you feel as if you have earned it so once you get it there will be a sense of pride.  After 4 major moves in the last year, I can say that I have created a little piece of heaven so far away from where my heart rests.  There was days I wanted to run from fear and rejection.  There where days I missed my family so much that if I thought about it too much I would cry.  Thats the part about risks and changes, you experience a whole world of things that are new, but at the end you always end up ok.

There was no comfort at first but an unwavering faith held from within that kept me afloat.  That tide changes from day to day as well.  One day without a shadow of a doubt I just know...and then something sets in and a shade appears and suddenly I feel without a compass in a forest as thick as fog. Thats the deal you make with the creative process.  Its got you but it cant be forced.   If you love it enough and put energy into it, it will come back to you.   It really is dependent on how you think and feel about it, this goes for anything in your life.  Its very basic and its that easy.  When your in it however it feels like pulling teeth.  That changes too.

This may seem morbid but I sometimes think about my last hour on earth.  What I would say to those I love and how I would want to be remembered.  When I think about this I see more clearly what needs to be cultivated now.  Death doesn't scare me not fulfilling what I was destine to do here, does.  Although I dont think about it often when I am in moments of patience and low creativity, and I see the eyes of my family looking down at me it lights something again.  Because thats the fight you often have with stuff like this.  When you see a imaginary final it takes you out of your current hangups and says "its not over yet BUT you can't skip certain important steps."

I wonder if you were to see this final hour, would there be anything you would change?  Is your current situation ideal, if the hour was upon you now..would you be content?  I would hope that if the answer was no, you will have enough courage and strength to seek what it is you truly want.  At the very least question it..

Trying to Catch a FireFly

The weather turns here as it once did in Minnesota.  The seasons switch and suddenly you find yourself in the dead of summer.  I was walking and right in front of me I saw a spark.  The light glowed and then went dark.  A flash, a moment and then it was gone.  It was just gray enough before the sun fully surrendered to the night.  I followed it to my left and my eyes lite up.  There was a small children's park full of fireflies.  I suddenly got a flashback of when I was a child chasing them with jars in hope to capture if only one.  I remember myself as a child wondering how and why they glowed but how exciting it was when they would never missing a beat.

My hands grabbed the fence and I pushed my nose so far into the metal I felt the cold.  There they were having a glowing dance.  Some lighting up more then others, some just cruising along.  Some buzzing by my face and others keeping their distance.  In New York I finally saw how much I truly love Minnesota. Here you have to find your beauty when you come from a beautiful place its all around you.  I was watching fireflies as if I was 7 again.  I wanted to buy a jar take my high heels off and get dirty trying to catch fireflies.  Its sometimes the small tiny moments like these that we miss when we get older perhaps more wiser.  

Days before I was hauling home groceries, ya you carry everything home here no car to help you.  Small rain drops began to fall and I ran under a fire escape and then sky erupted into a vociferous roar.  Down pour.  I got soaked.  The streets went clear which in Manhattan is rare.   The storm let up and I ran home put my flip flops on and went puddle hopping.  Its moments like these that melt away a distance loneliness, or perhaps a endless fight for a dream.  It all begins to make more sense before we have to go and grow up and complicate matters.  It begins to not look so serious, so harsh.  You begin to laugh in the face of whatever it is that scares you. Your like a kid again.  Now I'm not saying this is for everyone, some people hate this stuff.  But I think if you think about what you were like as a child your current hangups wont seem all that bad.  

Go catch a Firefly.   

No-one Ever Tells You This Will Happen

Oh shit no one ever told me that this would happen.  That on some days its hard to even listen to a note or sing a tune.  When life happens and splashes you with real and heavy waves.  When someone comes back into your life that once haunted you.  When people leave you and your away from anything truly familiar no one ever tells you about this.  No one tells you that this happens.  That sometimes your love kind of goes away for a little bit which makes you feel so distant from well..you.  

It happened and I know why it did and something said to hold on and breath, its just too much right now.  I can't be creative (when this probably would have helped).  The creative spirit comes in waves, happiness sometimes does as well.  It is a rollarcoaster and we are the passengers and its not the ride that matters its how you deal when it stops.  How you keep it going is far more important.  When it stopped, I felt so sad but more importantly I reexamined a few things.  Life will bump you like that, it doesn't care but it is there for a reason.  You can choose to stop or try something different, I choose to try something different because I never want to wonder if there was a road I didn't travel down .  I never want to look into my nieces and nephews eyes and say " I gave up and when life is hard you should too."

No one ever talks about the times when we fall.  But I can say that it takes time and certain people come out of the woodwork to remind you that theres something inside of you.  Its not music that I choose to fight for, I don't fight for anything but I stand for every creative person that just wants to express something.  No its not music, its this little sparkle inside of me and all of us that I never want to see die.  Its the bravery and courage that I stand for when there isn't a path that others can see but is an inner map a guild within myself.

Noone ever tells you when picking up a pen and writing feels like moving a mountain.  When you grow up, this becomes all too familiar.  I think these are beautiful moments to change a game plan, reevaluate your situation and hold close the ones that protect your inner spirit.  I am coming out of my fall, and it was hard but I hope it encourages you to never give up and to get back on the rollarcoaster and continue on with the ride...until it comes to a stop once again.    

Letting "It" Go.

Its the hardest part of love and loss.  Its the hardest switch to make in your brain and to tell your heart that it just can't feel anymore.  To head so fast in one direction and stop and slowly walk back the way you came.  We want to fight, as if that would change things.  It usually doesn't sometimes the hardest thing to do is to truly let go, to let someone go even when you don't feel justified.  Sometimes when things get crazy the best thing to do is go away from it, cash your chips in and send it away with no expectation of a return.  What you will find if you hold steady to this faith is something that will truly amaze you.

Just imagine all the emotional luggage we take with us throughout this journey.  How heavy it becomes and how good we are at ignoring it and playing the game of pretend.  The heavier it becomes the harder it is to identify and then eventually our knees give way and we are left wondering how the hell we got here.  With every significant event is a new opportunity to reexamine the lesson behind it.  See your part, see the others take what you need away from it and let it go.  This is easier said then done, I know.  I let my crash of this last year go multiple times.  It would creep back in, I would let it stay and then I would wonder why my hands were holding something that didn't exist.  I wondered why I would allow my heart to go back to that place when we were happy.  Let it go.  Let it go.  Let it go.  These things take time.  All good and real things take time to grow.

So when you let it go, don't be sad.  Be so thankful for everything that it taught you.  Be so grateful that whatever it was happened to you, was specific to you however "bad" your perception is.  Be careful with how "bad" you label your experience.  Misery and victimization loves to make a room in your house and stay for however long.  You have control over this if not any other aspect of the situation, how you deal with it and how you bounce back is up to you. How you continue to love and find peace is up to you, how you forgive and let go is a process significant to you.

So it does sometimes creep in from time to time but I wrap it with love, peace and gratitude and send it on its way.  Out the door, out of my house, I let it go...

Meditation

New Yorkers always talk about the pace here and how intoxicating it becomes.  Once you leave you want more and once in it you sometimes feel exhausted.  9 million people with different paths, that's something you can feel.  One of the greatest gifts I ever received throughout this journey was the gift of meditation.

I brought myself to the shores of my parents house and stood on their dock, something I have been doing ever since I was little.  This was right after I moved back from London and felt the most intense heartache and confusion enough for a small army to carry.  My name was non-existent, my mind was as thick as clouds on a rainy day.  A mess pretty much sums up this chapter of recovery although I would never admit it.  I felt nothing, the strongest numbness took over my body and I felt like I was a shell of who I used to be.  No one felt my pain, no one could help me.  My feet walked to my neighbors door and I knocked, wasn't sure what I was going to say but something told me I just had to be there.  Little did I know I was opening up more then just a door that day, I was about to feed an inner spirituality and receive a gift money could never buy.  My neighbor all this time was a mediation/yoga teacher.  Never did this cross my mind.  I began to sit with him dawn and dusk on most mornings and nights.  Clarity and quietness were the gifts I received.  Where a mind was running on auto-pilot, meditation created an ocean of peace.  It sorted itself out and suddenly became less about me and more about the experience.  If you never go through things how could you possibly be presented with new experiences to grow and learn from.  During those times I felt such a genuine peace and gratefulness that filled the pit that existed after my hardship.

We are all guilty of seeing and focusing on the negative and through this process it made so much sense why it happened.  The "it" wasn't me though and the experience isn't you, things just happen.  After all the mess I decided to move back to New York by myself this time and shelved meditation.  6 months into living in NYC I was reminded of how unforced that true feeling of gratitude was during that time.  Meditation knocked on me yet again.  Sometimes we like to drain the tank without giving anything back to it or any gratitude for where it comes from.  We get sucked into routine and rush, meditation found me again and I became it again.

Every morning I sit in silence and peace if even for a moment of awareness.  Its very easy to move so fast that we don't have time to give gratitude for all that we have been through or all that we have.  In a moment it could all go away and I would rather know that I appreciated it when I had it then took it for granted before it was gone.

Create a moment of peace everyday for yourself, and focus on how grateful you truly are for what is around you.  I start with my family and don't be surprised if it makes you cry that just means that it is probably overdue the thanks you owe for the many gifts you have in your life.