Pursue it With Happiness or Not at All.

It haunts me what I could of been.  What I should do today but don't.  All the belief of a thousand men but not a shred of fucking hope on most days anymore, from the one whom actually makes it all come to life.  Although its not over yet most days I journal about fear, theres a whole other series you never get to read..

I sit down by the waters edge everyday for 2 hours.  If I don't, Manhattan will get me.  Don't forget my love for NYC but my forever happiness for nature takes precedence.  Always.  I sit alone within nature and most days fear creeps in like a haze of a lingering rainstorm.   My faith is shaken because when you are an artist you live it on most days, alone.  There is so many people around you yet you could be in the fullest of rooms and feel, still alone.   You could have the most incredible of families and still at the end of the day feel, alone.  You study, you write, you follow, you pursue and somehow in someway you never fully feel comfortable with what your doing.  The difference is you don't follow some written out formula.

Grow. Go to high school, go to college..graduate (or not).  Job, marriage, baby, back to job.   Marriage continues, life resumes.  Baby grows.  Money is tight, love plays out. Marriage buckles, child learns.   2nd baby comes.  Job bends.  Marriage resentful. Kids grow.  And all the wonderful things in between.  Its most certainly not the end yet, life resumes.  And it all continues.  I wish I could follow this.  I admire this life, most days I want this life.  An artist wont have this life.  I wont have this life.  Not that theres nothing that happens in between this life and that life.

The point is that we all have different pursuits.  The most open of hearts to share it with a child.  The courage to abandon yours for theirs.  Regardless if by accident or planned, to be involved in life..is living.  Continuing to see it grow and to choose to stick with it is a character builder.  A mother, an artist is no different.  They harvest a seed and watch it grow.  Maybe a different flower. different intent but passionate about something.  ANYTHING is so very important in our time of distractions.  So live your life and when you do decide that it wont be a job done 50% that when people speak at your funeral they will remind everyone else what you did here.

It

is

that

short...

Go 100% towards it.

Without A Row

I found myself on a boat
Submerged in the ocean
The most discerning thing is I have not
One roe
The waves kick up mist
Making it harder to see
I feel
Everything
I'm in the middle of the mass
Seeing not one
Of anything
Can anyone hear me?
The feeling of being alone
Is everywhere
Uncertainty is all I know
When life becomes more real
The more unreal everything else seems
The boat could tip
The boat stays steady
The tide pulls in
The tide pulls out
Either way I'm not budging
Fear only takes up sail
If I need it to take me back
I'm not sure where back is anymore
So I float
The storm is coming I know
I haven't even hit the roughest of waters
I haven't even tasted the salt
Its not over yet
When I scream
I can only hope life hears me
It wont
In the distance
A patch of green offers relief
Of something new
But even there I will keep my boat
Just in case I need to set hell to the sea
Without a row
That's where I'll be

Sister

Feels the worlds weight
Her sensitivity isn't being protected
I wish I could put a box around her
Miles apart and I can sense her breaking
Our times right now
Effects the aware
She is the most present
Sits still on the edge of the world
Feels the starving child's belly
Down to her last penny
She would gladly give you two
She would give you her last
Of anything
Beauty in its most pure form
Expecting nothing in return
Some prey on her
Sucking light into their darkness
But they are taking too much
And her world is turning gray
Which means the clouds are rolling in
On mine
If she only knew
That of all the people I cross
Of all the faces I see
She is the most beautiful
The most unique
The most real
And its not because shes my sister
Its because when you strip her of everything
She has everything
A heart deeper then the ocean
A fierce instinct benefiting the good of others
Before herself
If one could have a fraction of her light
This world would be a brighter place

Oil Drum

Empty now
Hallow with the vaguest remembrance of what was
When I look inside there is the slightest hint of black
Fingers are stained
Breath weak from the smell of petroleum
My heart deepens with a sadness
There was once something here
A substance that could light a city
Have so much greatness
But yet could be so harmful
The fuel has been drained
All the remains is a shell
My voice echoes as I try to call for you
Then I become plagued by a memory of you
And the only thing that comes to mind
Is
An
Empty
Oil drum

When

I waited by the window
Cheeks pressed so close
A cloud appeared
We never needed to say much
but the draw was more then we knew
Flakes of forgotten rain
Slowly came falling down
Dancing a magnificent dance
Before their death to the pane
A gust twirled colorful degeneration
The seasons has changed
And yet as fierce as a flame to flint
As sure as the hand strikes 12
The only thing keeping me alive
is that I feel the chill of the fall
So maybe you wont come
When soil has turned to rust
And the green to gray
When water slows down to the speed of molasses
When it becomes so pure
Its white
When all you can hear is falling feathers
I will be there
Cheeks pressed so close
A cloud appears

Love

I hold onto you

Like my shadow you stay next to me

Even though you have been gone 

Long enough for me to not be able to see your eyes

Feel the way your lips pressed to mine

The softness of your hand on the middle of my back 

The way in which words weren't needed

Then the gray sets in 

I have been without you

Perhaps never really had you

Or only had you long enough to love you

You know someone all too well 

Then not at all

Then it all seems like a lie

The foundation gives way

The cotton it was built on 

Picked up with the wind 

Elegantly with long strokes

Went away

I go back to the place 

All that is there now is the natural hue of a time thats passed

I put my hands into the soil

Grab a handful of earth

Sift it through the fingers you once held onto

I try to let you go for what feels like the hundredth time

No matter how the story has turned 

At one time I chose you

Now I have to un-choose you

As sure as blood is red

As the sun kisses the face of a child

The moon guilds the traveler into the night

My knowing is fading

You are gone

I bury you into the earth

Everyday

Only to come back to it 

Hands grabbing onto

Something I have created 

I will never have you again

That was our time 

Now buried into the earth

We both walk on 

The Last Hour

When making big changes it sometimes may feel as if its not your own at first.  A big move, a turn against the tide a following of something that just feels right.  It almost makes you feel as if you have earned it so once you get it there will be a sense of pride.  After 4 major moves in the last year, I can say that I have created a little piece of heaven so far away from where my heart rests.  There was days I wanted to run from fear and rejection.  There where days I missed my family so much that if I thought about it too much I would cry.  Thats the part about risks and changes, you experience a whole world of things that are new, but at the end you always end up ok.

There was no comfort at first but an unwavering faith held from within that kept me afloat.  That tide changes from day to day as well.  One day without a shadow of a doubt I just know...and then something sets in and a shade appears and suddenly I feel without a compass in a forest as thick as fog. Thats the deal you make with the creative process.  Its got you but it cant be forced.   If you love it enough and put energy into it, it will come back to you.   It really is dependent on how you think and feel about it, this goes for anything in your life.  Its very basic and its that easy.  When your in it however it feels like pulling teeth.  That changes too.

This may seem morbid but I sometimes think about my last hour on earth.  What I would say to those I love and how I would want to be remembered.  When I think about this I see more clearly what needs to be cultivated now.  Death doesn't scare me not fulfilling what I was destine to do here, does.  Although I dont think about it often when I am in moments of patience and low creativity, and I see the eyes of my family looking down at me it lights something again.  Because thats the fight you often have with stuff like this.  When you see a imaginary final it takes you out of your current hangups and says "its not over yet BUT you can't skip certain important steps."

I wonder if you were to see this final hour, would there be anything you would change?  Is your current situation ideal, if the hour was upon you now..would you be content?  I would hope that if the answer was no, you will have enough courage and strength to seek what it is you truly want.  At the very least question it..