Reinvention

I get to do New York City by myself this time.  There is no more liberating feeling then that, where I once felt slighty caged the greatest gift was being freed.  When I think about walking the many endless streets of Manhattan I already feel proud because its my own.  On my own dime, with my own survival instinct.

This place isn't for everyone its dirty, rough and unforgiving.  It chews you up, spits you out gives you a little but takes much more.  It's confusing, packed..perfect.  Even though I only had 5 brief months with it, I wanted more.  I wasn't done with it and never should of left but like I said it was all supposed to happen although it could have been a smoother ride.  My situation couldn't have been any worst in my opinion because I lived it but you know what I did that I did a little thing called-


re·in·vent  verb (used with object)

- to invent again or anew, especially without knowing that the invention already exists.

-to remake or make over, as in a different form.

-to bring back; revive: to reinvent trust and accountability.

You didnt think I was eating cookies and crying all day, did you?  Sure moments happen but come my  situation still doesn't make sense and it NEVER will.  Whats the fucking point?  You protect yourself first and thats the point of it all.  Keep yourself close, hold on and shut up and listen to what you need.  No excuses, have a moment to yourself in fact have many.  Your relationship with number one (yourself) will determine how your number two relationship (partner) goes.  

NYC the first time wasn't for me it was for someone else and then we were hardly there and another move was presented really without any thought.  I daydream about when I step off the plane on NY soil.  I have a feeling that my smile will be bigger then it has ever been, it will be a sense of relief that all the broken pieces of the last couple of months finally fell back into place.  My recovery has been interesting but I am thankful that one I was smart enough to reinvent and two brave enough to conquer Manhattan by myself.  Plus I dont have to answer to anyone but myself.

Life is good, isnt it?

The Nail & The Hammer

Delicate, soft, purely untouched gift so innocent to this big bad world.  Her fingers stretched out to the sky if only she knew she had hands.  Hands that will build sand castles, hands that will hold her own child.  Hands that will touch a million surfaces.

When I held her I knew nothing was actually that serious or sad.  Its such a speck of reality we think we live in.  When you hold a baby girl, when you touch the softness of her bald head you see that in that moment their life is the most simple it will ever be.  As an adult your needs and wants grow as a child all you need is the basics.  

My heart is already in love with her, with all of them.  Being an auntie holds such a pride fullness, such an extreme honest love that I never knew I had until children came into my life.  When I sometimes think of the last couple of hellish months, I surround myself with children and it all goes away.  It just doesn't matter anymore.  

Children have this unique ability to bring you right back into the present moment.  A moment adults seem to want to escape.  When you grow up and the needs and wants grow its like a constant list taking you ever so far away from where you are.  The future, the past never the now.  Someone very dear to me once told me "if you are always focusing on the future and dwelling in your past, when are you actually here?'  Are you actually enjoying it fully?  

When you watch a child hammer nails into a tree for 30 minutes I see determination and a undeveloped sense of time.  They don't live following a clock, they don't understand 5 minutes or 10 miles.  They see the nail and they see the tree and then they have their imagination.   An imagination stronger then the nails themselves, I watched him hammer nails and I never wanted that side of this little boy to grow.  I always want him to play, to never fully understand time and to always use his imagination.  They are so simple.  

When I hold Hartlee and already see a change in her face after one week, I know that I have entered a period in my life when I have gotten too consumed with time that I can no longer catchup with it.  Don't you feel like that sometimes?  Don't you feel like certain events take you further away, only if you let them.  When I see my babies grow I am reminded that although 26 is right around the corner I still feel like a child when I'm in the presence of one.  I want to hammer nails into trees and not wonder how long it took me to do so.  I want to play in the fall leaves, I want to get my clothes dirty and have mud on my face.  Now how can you tell me that that isn't life?   

How Much Debt Do You Carry?

I heard a profound quote the other day and it goes a little something like this...

A person is not how they treat their friends but how they deal with their enemies.

 I heard this and stopped and pondered at how simple yet complex this statement was.  Such truth in someone's overall character, some people never get this.  They think they can brush it off, sweep under the rug and shrug their shoulders as if it magically goes away.  IT DOESN'T.  I have been talking about this for a long time now that one creates a debt both good and bad with enemies or friends.  It's like a tide in the ocean that slowly creeps up into the sand overtime.  It may not always be visible but its there.  You put on your best poker face, shades and all and blindly walk through life never really acknowledging your debt.  But like any debt good or bad its like a third arm, its a part of you and only certain conscious beings can sense it.  I can see it all around me this third arm syndrome.  What people don't get is that this debt is fairly easy to clear but acknowledgment is needed in doing so.  Also a certain combination of forgiveness, respect and maturity.

When you observe your life one usually can shed some light on something that was clearly handled with disgrace.  If you quiet yourself long enough it will come from your belly to your spine and up into your brain that something went clearly wrong or clearly right.  It will require a small amount of feeling on your behalf and courage in saying that you fucked up or couldn't of done it any other way.  Admitting wrongs isn't easy, saying it was justified is a poor excuse creating even more debt.

Masking, replacing, guilt, lack of acknowledgment and having no time to heal are all part of the poker face.  It's still there, its a part of you and will remain a part of you no matter how much time passes you will always remember the taste someone left in your mouth.   Isn't life too short for all of this?  Why carry this with you and too bad you can't just cut it out of your life because it IS your life.  The book you write is so unique to yourself so when you read it stop at all the many chapters and acknowledge the charaters in it.  Did you do the right thing?  Can you clear that debt today?  Has too much time passed?  Did that make me feel good, did that make someone feel bad?

It's a crazy messed up world, no doubt but when I look at my credit score it makes me happy.  When I read my book and see my characters I am proud.  I wonder if the same is true for you.  Stop, reflect and learn and answer my question..How much personal debt do you carry?

Not Having a Bed

So I haven't had my own bed since May.25th, that's when I started living out of a suitcase which let me tell you HAS BEEN THE BEST TIME EVER!  Not only have I been completely nomadic but have also been without a consistent bed of my own, wait correction a ROOM of my own.  Laundry baskets and a suitcase filled with my life, my car has become my only real place.  Back and forth, life in multiple places sometimes I wonder if I deserved all of this?  What did I do?  The first couple of months were fine but now I'm pissed.  Nothing is more upsetting then a very bad immature breakup and then on-top of it not having a space is a whole new low for me.  

Since May.25th I have been stripped which is okay but I can only go so long, I can only take so much.  I am only one person.  I have done good and nobody around me has had such in intimate relationship with strength then I.  So I haven't had a bed, I know its just stuff but nothing feels more lonely then to not have a place of your own.  It's been long enough.   

Thank goodness the ticket to move to Manhattan has been booked for Oct.24th.  I paint a lovely picture of my new room.  A creative fresh and clean space of my own filled with my own things in their perfect little place.  My place, my home.  I know exactly what it's going to look like I paint this picture everyday in my mind.  That's how I know things are getting better.  I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, my journey is taking me to something great.  I already did great things with the months in Minnesota.  I have seen 75 live shows, got my vision for the project, and put myself back together.  So maybe I don't have a bed right now but soon enough I will.  So I don't have a space of my own but in a few weeks I will.  

I never knew of my patience even though I'm at the last little bit of it.  I never knew of strength until I held my head up high and kept walking.  I never knew of courage until I left something that wasn't right.  I didn't know trust until I found it in myself and no-one knows real love until they have loved themselves first.   

If all I need is a bed and space I think I have done well considering my last year.  The most remarkable thing of all is that I didn't walk away from this with anger, distrust or an unwillingness to forgive and that my friends is a beautiful way to be.

I'm ready to have my space, my home and a bed to lay my head down at night.  And it doesn't hurt that  it will be in the greatest city in the world!  

 

I Got Married..

It's funny when you start creating something out of nothing it kinda takes over.   When my schedule starts to get a little nuts and my mind is distracted thats when a longing comes lurking at the door.  This vision is like a newborn puppy that likes to ankle bite.  It barks in the background for constant attention,  if I  go a day without it I become like an addict searching for it, wanting it more and more.  Its never enough.

So I created some vows for myself, it's appropriate to state them here since I got married to myself this year.

My vow to this vision is to be single for a year, no distractions.  This is a tough one but is the most important element to the success of this vision.  

I vow to always continue to study the blues.  Listen to them, breath them and become them.  I sit in my 1950's vintage dress in the living room with headphones sorting through all the music I have collected over the past 2 months.  This may look weird but it feels damn good.  Boom!

I vow to honor the ones that paved the way for most.  I am not stupid enough to think I will fully understand the blues but my vow is to learn it everyday.  Boom!

I will not settle for bucket 1 musicians (great lesson taught to me)  I don't have time, energy to waste.  I didn't work 2 months on something to give it away to people that don't know what they are doing.  Boom!

I vow to be straight forward, a leader, the visionary, the protector of this project. Boom!

I vow to not go days without it, my heart hurts when I do.  Boom!

I will tell everyone and their mother about what I'm looking for.   No fear of rejection, no doubt.  I won't take no for an answer.  BOOM!

I vow to bring this project to life. I promise to always be the first believer in it, I promise to never loss my faith in it.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

My vow is to myself first.  

I am happily married.   

BOOM!

Muddy Waters

Um yah, perhaps I pulled the trigger a tad soon without considering the artists that paved the way for most.  Mud to me is like aloe on a sunburn, salt on a tomato and sand on a beach..it just works.  Blue's to me is the expression of the deepest ache, the harshest cut, the irony of lows and the playfulness of the highs.  Muddy Waters without your influences I may never understand the grit, the rawness and feeling behind the bluuueeesssssss.  Along side similar artists to Muddy Waters the flood gates opened ready

-Otis Spann
-John Lee Hooker
-Ronnie Earl
-Sam Lightnin' Hopkins
-Little Walter
-Elmore James
-Fats Domino

And the list continues, the doors keep opening as far as influences go. I can't get enough, in fact I couldn't shut it off even if I tried.  I'm in too deep, I'm in muddy waters and I wouldn't want to be in any other place then right where I am.

This one's for you baby...

Dani & The Mad Men™

So I think it's time.  Especially with Manhattan right around the corner, its time to share my behind the scenes work.   After months of research and rekindling my love affair with music I have finally come to my next musical vision.  I put my dreams on hold and trust me it has been a journey getting back to what I love but it was all COMPLETELY WORTH IT.  Where I once had copper I know have gold.  This new vision has taken over and I hardly sleep or breath without it.  Looking back I needed this time in Minnesota to lay down the foundation of my vision.  I also needed to hit some form of bottom to realize what I have.  I hardly expressed myself during the disintegration of a relationship and when that happened it leaked into my music.

Let me tell you a little more about my vision.  Its a 8 piece band (including me) inspired by the look and image of the 1950's with the sounds of 1950's Doo Wop and 1930-40's Blues.  Some of the artists I have blogged about have all greatly influenced me.  I put my headphones on and study the intense emotion of this era, the innocence and raw rare talent.  Once the music starts playing I become dead to everything else around me, it becomes me.  It takes over.

I couldn't talk about it until I was completely sure that I understood this era and also the overall idea to effectively communicate what it is I wanted.  Trying to recreate something you weren't a part of is a tricky one.  I can't go blindly into something I don't understand (especially the blues) there's too much room for ineffective communication in not understanding.  I'm also not arrogant enough to think I get it but I am learning and dive into it open and with good intent.  I have more resources then I ever had in New York.  The foundation is down and everyone who shakes my hand or comes within a foot of me now hears about the project.  I believe that's called networking a concept I once didn't understand.  I watch the  business cards pile up and more and more people around me know a friend of a friend who lives in New York and plays the piano.  Those sort of connections start lining up, the process is in motion.  That's the funnest part to watch when your creating something out of nothing.

The next step is moving to Manhattan and hitting the ground running (1 MONTH).  Once I get there I will recruit a house band, this is my rhythmic section the skeleton for this vision.  This is the most important element.  After interviewing professional musicians here in Minnesota I now know exactly what to seek out and also how to communicate exactly what I want since I don't play an instrument.  

My Mad Men:
Jazz mostly prewar blues musicians.  Must be able to improvise, create original music while capturing the feeling and timeless energy of this era.  This vision is to showcase the musical ability of each instrumentalist, the accurate recreation of a blues and Doo-Wop while looking and acting the part.  Influences from this era is a MUST.

Piano-
Drums-
Upright Bass-
Trumpet-
3 Guy A cappella Group-

This is also the place where I say thank you to the many artists I have been inspired by at The Dakota Jazz Club.  I sit on the Mezz and study, watch and admire all the talent that graces that stage.  My vision started here and the moment I landed in Minnesota I said to myself that I will only work at a place that inspires me, I got exactly what I wanted.