Less Then 1 Week & I Sang In Manhattan!!!!!

Let me share something pretty fu&*ing cool with you.  About 2 months ago I envisioned a stage (remember I wrote about it, http://whereadoorcloses.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-stage.html) while walking home from dinner with friends I stopped at a new jazz/blues club that opened up right across the street from me (weird huh?).  I walked in and my heart almost stopped.  From the red of the curtain to the position of the musicians, I had seen this before I actually physically "seen" it, if that makes sense.  I actually drew a sketch months ago in Minnesota of this exact moment.

As I walked into a very crowded bar a very kind gentleman gave his seat up for me.  Little did I know that I had sat right next to the singer of the group that was playing that night.  We start talking, I pitch the Dani & The Mad Men vision (because I TELL EVERYONE & THEIR MOM ABOUT IT) and he says "well you think you got what it takes so lets put you on stage and see what you got."
My reaction was sh&% IJ YHJKD^%&^$ G&*& DGSJ^*W()W*E HDKS&RWIUIO!!!!!!! Im about to sing on a stage in Manhattan, holy shit this is cool.  This is my moment.

I got up on stage with not an ounce of nervousness, I went up there feeling like I was home.  A home I have missed for so long, a home I gave up on at one point.  A stage I learned how to love again.  I stood and did impromptu jazz/blues and to be honest I don't remember what I sang but whatever it was it lead the crowd to ask for 2 more songs for me to sing.  It's within this moment I give gratitude.  It reaffirmed all that I have been doing behind the scenes with music, and that I am in fact NOT going bad shit crazy.   I have been here less then a week and was just busting to get that microphone and I got much more then that.  I got the stage I saw months ago and now a network of musicians within my neighborhood wanting to work with me.

I share this moment because I am a firm believer that if you go somewhere in mind first, you will go there in body second.  To the first of many stages, to my many homes.

The Progression

When navigating though a vision its funny the many directions it takes.  When I look at the space I created within a small little room in the massiveness of Manhattan I sometimes wonder if its real.  When you create something, sometimes you feel as if your the only one that believes it.  Maybe that's all it takes, perhaps that's all that's needed.  When I see the vision boards pill up and my ideas run wild in my book, I wonder when life will be breathed into it.  The progression of Dani & The Mad Men is unfolding in front of your eyes, I want to remember this hustle.  I want to remember the ups and the downs, the endless phone calls I make.  The leads I follow with a dead end, the leads I follow with a detour.  I sometimes want to scream, then I want to jump for joy.  Isn't this life?  I love that I can share this with you as most people with a vision give up.  I'm not that person.  You will hear me scream, I will be honest enough to tell you of my frustrations and the moments of complete gratitude.

When navigating through a vision there is no set way.  There isn't a path and dear god I wish sometimes there was a map.  I was told by a very well known Jazz musician that has been kind enough to take me under her wing, "be ready for the ride girl, there's going to be a lot more downs then ups and it all depends on how bad you want this."  That's with anything you do, that's with anything you protect within the walls of your mind.  This started for me 4 months ago and I can't give up on it however frustrating it seems at times.  The flood gates have been opened and I can't shut it off because I don't know how.  I am like a bear protecting her cub and I want you to say that I can't do (in fact no one has) perhaps that's an inner battle you fight when creating something out of thin air.

The love for Dani & The Mad Men is unconditional, I know it's going to take hustle and I know I'm going to have to break down some walls.  I want to remember this to perhaps give some faith to someone else that's creating something.  It's ups and downs but when I lay my head down at night and see myself in the final product I know then that its real.  Real and passionate to me, honest to myself, successful to the only person I answer to.  Its not a dream then I would only be a dreamer, it's not just a vision then only I could see it.  It's me, it's my arm and it's with me all the time.

As of right now.  The progression is that I have connected with professional fulltime musicians who are helping me, THANK YOU.  Without using names you would know who they are, I am utilizing them as a resource and the audition process starts tomorrow.

I want to remember this moment.  So that you and I know that its not just a dream, its a progression.  To my progression, theres no turning back.  I am thankful for my connections they didn't have to take me under their wing for that I am thankful.

 

Hello Dani & The Mad Men™

Lets not forget the real reason I came to Manhattan, I got some hell to raise...

http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

The hustle has begun.. 

The Mini Storage Moment..

I am in love.  This new direction has been rough, lots of ups and downs but then I find myself landed.  Taken, I surrendered and found myself back in a place I never wanted to leave.  Opening up boxes of a chapter that has been closed, finding my grandmothers old baking recipes and my old cookbooks makes me feel like I survived.  The storm has passed, it was the final step.

Opening up the door to the mini storage was like opening up a vault to my former life.  I found a box.  Tore the tape off and found myself in the cardboard.  I cried.  I cried a lot which is unusual.  Not having my things for 6 months made me turn inward, rebuild myself.  Taking my things completed my puzzle.

 I separated 2 very different lives yesterday.  One connected to beautiful cookbooks, amazing family photos and a knife set.  One deeply in love with the children in her life, one that keeps all her old music books and one that needs nothing more then her collected coffee mugs.  I found everything I wanted in a mist of a strangers things.

It was a beautifully symbolic day and I did it with a dear friend.  My gratitude for his help can not be expressed.  He put his hand on my back and said take as much time as you need.  The warmth of his character, his willingness to help me is completely overwhelming.  Little did he know he was doing something much bigger then helping a friend move, he was helping me get my life back.  I couldn't have been in better hands.  I may not have been able to do this all by myself.

 The memories that were so deeply locked away came back, and I cried for now it finally feels over.  Which isn't to say that it is bad but it's to say that I survived it.  Admitting strength is hard for all of us to do.  I didn't yell, I didn't cheat, I didn't hate my way through this.  I didn't become untrusting, regretful, guarded, or scared.  I didn't try to get back at someone or get into a relationship out of hurt.  I didn't bash anyone, I just didn't.  I kept walking hard as that was sometimes that's how I know it was love on my part. Because love is kind, love isn't malicious or mean.  Love cannot be that way if its true.  That's why I can say that I loved and although I lost..I will love again and win.

This is part 2 of my jouney.  The hopeful section.  The storm has passed, and thats beautiful thing.

Saying Goodbye.

Its never easy, in fact its the hardest part.  Although its not tears of sadness or regret.  Its not from a bad place or some place insincere.  Its real and raw, honest and true.  The goodbyes pill up alongside the fall leaves.  Each one a little harder, each one still significant.

I know what I'm leaving, I know my journey that I am on.  I never lost sight of it just momentarily pushed on pause.  When things get tough, I know I have you.  When things were bad, you were there.  I'm ready just not ready to say goodbye to all the many familiar faces.  This is what I dislike the most.  You would think it would get easier but it doesn't.  Its a wonderfully amazing foundation but damn it's hard to be apart.  It's never easy not seeing you.  Your face looks so real in memory I can practically touch it.  That's how I can say goodbye, or rather see you soon.

Its time for this caged bird to fly.  Its an amazing journey, scary as it may be to those around me its my path.  You may not understand why it needs to happen but for me its the only way I see.  I have a dream bigger then myself sometimes.  I opened a can of worms, I fought some inner stuff but I'm okay.  My dream is unfolding and if I don't jump now, I may never.  If I don't follow it I may lose it which can't be possible in my eyes.

 New York will be kind to me.  It took me the first time and I never wanted to leave it, I never wanted to let it go.  Its days away, the hardest is what Im in right now.  The days leading up to it are supposed to be great but to me they are sad.  Sad in a good way.  Sad because I won't be able to hug you. Sad because I won't be able to have a glass of wine next to you.  Sad because your memories are my memories.  I will always be there but the physical me can't walk with you.  That's a hard part for me.  When New York is cruel I will have your voice, I will have the comfort of knowing that you are there.

I dont say goodbye, I say see you soon.

We Are Glue..

Are you a person that sticks to those around you?  Do you hold relationships, grow them, work through them or leave them?  Are they disposable? Replaceable?  Real/Fake? Honest/Dishonest? Capable of greater things/dead before they have a chance to blossom?  

I remember leaving that day in London.  Usually I stick to those around me, work through the hard times. When I remember looking into the back window at a face so familiar to me, I sometimes wonder how I could have given up so easily.  Now trust me there were many things wrong, a trust broken a bond running thin but thats where I strive.  We all have breaking points.  Being in a foreign country and losing the grip of a friends hands, I ran.  Within 4 hours, he booked a flight.  There was no fight for anything.  He opened the door to the taxi and practically pushed me into it.  We both gave up that day.  I only share this not to change it but to say that even the strongest of a perceived bond can break.  I broke it, he broke it and at the end of it we lost a lot.  

The major lessons through this journey is I unhealthfully absorbed most of "his" stuff because the woman in my family tend to do that.  When in a relationship allow me to remind you that in order to be healthy you both need to be active participants in your OWN personal journey.  Your own goals, ambitions, your own drive, your own money and your own dream.  Never for a second absorb the other entirely, compliment and be a bonus to each other but never become each other.  The lessons I take away from this have been the most valuable to me and my personal journey.  Just needed to sum that up, out-loud.

Although I wouldn't change it, it's funny when you one day can wake up and observe it for what it really is.  The value of relationships/friendships and family are sometimes tricky but the most important undertaking .  They sway like a willow tree at the first sign of a breeze.  They are tested, broken and the true character of those around you will always be shown over time.  You stand by people, lighten the load for the ones you love but through it all who do you stand next to?  When things get tough, who do you call on?  More importantly who actually knows you?  

Saying goodbye was the hardest part during this journey, I was never good at it.  I still suck at it. although I don't cry very often theres something about that final moment that makes me momentary break a little.  You are either a surface person or a depth person, or somewhere in-between.  WE are glue, we are airplane glue at that..something just sticks and its forever hard to let go.  Tis a lonely world if we weren't this way.  

Music Clips!

http://soundcloud.com/daniellemueller

More sound clips available for the new 1950's sound for Dani & The Mad Men™

-Dani-