Trying to Catch a FireFly

The weather turns here as it once did in Minnesota.  The seasons switch and suddenly you find yourself in the dead of summer.  I was walking and right in front of me I saw a spark.  The light glowed and then went dark.  A flash, a moment and then it was gone.  It was just gray enough before the sun fully surrendered to the night.  I followed it to my left and my eyes lite up.  There was a small children's park full of fireflies.  I suddenly got a flashback of when I was a child chasing them with jars in hope to capture if only one.  I remember myself as a child wondering how and why they glowed but how exciting it was when they would never missing a beat.

My hands grabbed the fence and I pushed my nose so far into the metal I felt the cold.  There they were having a glowing dance.  Some lighting up more then others, some just cruising along.  Some buzzing by my face and others keeping their distance.  In New York I finally saw how much I truly love Minnesota. Here you have to find your beauty when you come from a beautiful place its all around you.  I was watching fireflies as if I was 7 again.  I wanted to buy a jar take my high heels off and get dirty trying to catch fireflies.  Its sometimes the small tiny moments like these that we miss when we get older perhaps more wiser.  

Days before I was hauling home groceries, ya you carry everything home here no car to help you.  Small rain drops began to fall and I ran under a fire escape and then sky erupted into a vociferous roar.  Down pour.  I got soaked.  The streets went clear which in Manhattan is rare.   The storm let up and I ran home put my flip flops on and went puddle hopping.  Its moments like these that melt away a distance loneliness, or perhaps a endless fight for a dream.  It all begins to make more sense before we have to go and grow up and complicate matters.  It begins to not look so serious, so harsh.  You begin to laugh in the face of whatever it is that scares you. Your like a kid again.  Now I'm not saying this is for everyone, some people hate this stuff.  But I think if you think about what you were like as a child your current hangups wont seem all that bad.  

Go catch a Firefly.   

No-one Ever Tells You This Will Happen

Oh shit no one ever told me that this would happen.  That on some days its hard to even listen to a note or sing a tune.  When life happens and splashes you with real and heavy waves.  When someone comes back into your life that once haunted you.  When people leave you and your away from anything truly familiar no one ever tells you about this.  No one tells you that this happens.  That sometimes your love kind of goes away for a little bit which makes you feel so distant from well..you.  

It happened and I know why it did and something said to hold on and breath, its just too much right now.  I can't be creative (when this probably would have helped).  The creative spirit comes in waves, happiness sometimes does as well.  It is a rollarcoaster and we are the passengers and its not the ride that matters its how you deal when it stops.  How you keep it going is far more important.  When it stopped, I felt so sad but more importantly I reexamined a few things.  Life will bump you like that, it doesn't care but it is there for a reason.  You can choose to stop or try something different, I choose to try something different because I never want to wonder if there was a road I didn't travel down .  I never want to look into my nieces and nephews eyes and say " I gave up and when life is hard you should too."

No one ever talks about the times when we fall.  But I can say that it takes time and certain people come out of the woodwork to remind you that theres something inside of you.  Its not music that I choose to fight for, I don't fight for anything but I stand for every creative person that just wants to express something.  No its not music, its this little sparkle inside of me and all of us that I never want to see die.  Its the bravery and courage that I stand for when there isn't a path that others can see but is an inner map a guild within myself.

Noone ever tells you when picking up a pen and writing feels like moving a mountain.  When you grow up, this becomes all too familiar.  I think these are beautiful moments to change a game plan, reevaluate your situation and hold close the ones that protect your inner spirit.  I am coming out of my fall, and it was hard but I hope it encourages you to never give up and to get back on the rollarcoaster and continue on with the ride...until it comes to a stop once again.    

Letting "It" Go.

Its the hardest part of love and loss.  Its the hardest switch to make in your brain and to tell your heart that it just can't feel anymore.  To head so fast in one direction and stop and slowly walk back the way you came.  We want to fight, as if that would change things.  It usually doesn't sometimes the hardest thing to do is to truly let go, to let someone go even when you don't feel justified.  Sometimes when things get crazy the best thing to do is go away from it, cash your chips in and send it away with no expectation of a return.  What you will find if you hold steady to this faith is something that will truly amaze you.

Just imagine all the emotional luggage we take with us throughout this journey.  How heavy it becomes and how good we are at ignoring it and playing the game of pretend.  The heavier it becomes the harder it is to identify and then eventually our knees give way and we are left wondering how the hell we got here.  With every significant event is a new opportunity to reexamine the lesson behind it.  See your part, see the others take what you need away from it and let it go.  This is easier said then done, I know.  I let my crash of this last year go multiple times.  It would creep back in, I would let it stay and then I would wonder why my hands were holding something that didn't exist.  I wondered why I would allow my heart to go back to that place when we were happy.  Let it go.  Let it go.  Let it go.  These things take time.  All good and real things take time to grow.

So when you let it go, don't be sad.  Be so thankful for everything that it taught you.  Be so grateful that whatever it was happened to you, was specific to you however "bad" your perception is.  Be careful with how "bad" you label your experience.  Misery and victimization loves to make a room in your house and stay for however long.  You have control over this if not any other aspect of the situation, how you deal with it and how you bounce back is up to you. How you continue to love and find peace is up to you, how you forgive and let go is a process significant to you.

So it does sometimes creep in from time to time but I wrap it with love, peace and gratitude and send it on its way.  Out the door, out of my house, I let it go...

Meditation

New Yorkers always talk about the pace here and how intoxicating it becomes.  Once you leave you want more and once in it you sometimes feel exhausted.  9 million people with different paths, that's something you can feel.  One of the greatest gifts I ever received throughout this journey was the gift of meditation.

I brought myself to the shores of my parents house and stood on their dock, something I have been doing ever since I was little.  This was right after I moved back from London and felt the most intense heartache and confusion enough for a small army to carry.  My name was non-existent, my mind was as thick as clouds on a rainy day.  A mess pretty much sums up this chapter of recovery although I would never admit it.  I felt nothing, the strongest numbness took over my body and I felt like I was a shell of who I used to be.  No one felt my pain, no one could help me.  My feet walked to my neighbors door and I knocked, wasn't sure what I was going to say but something told me I just had to be there.  Little did I know I was opening up more then just a door that day, I was about to feed an inner spirituality and receive a gift money could never buy.  My neighbor all this time was a mediation/yoga teacher.  Never did this cross my mind.  I began to sit with him dawn and dusk on most mornings and nights.  Clarity and quietness were the gifts I received.  Where a mind was running on auto-pilot, meditation created an ocean of peace.  It sorted itself out and suddenly became less about me and more about the experience.  If you never go through things how could you possibly be presented with new experiences to grow and learn from.  During those times I felt such a genuine peace and gratefulness that filled the pit that existed after my hardship.

We are all guilty of seeing and focusing on the negative and through this process it made so much sense why it happened.  The "it" wasn't me though and the experience isn't you, things just happen.  After all the mess I decided to move back to New York by myself this time and shelved meditation.  6 months into living in NYC I was reminded of how unforced that true feeling of gratitude was during that time.  Meditation knocked on me yet again.  Sometimes we like to drain the tank without giving anything back to it or any gratitude for where it comes from.  We get sucked into routine and rush, meditation found me again and I became it again.

Every morning I sit in silence and peace if even for a moment of awareness.  Its very easy to move so fast that we don't have time to give gratitude for all that we have been through or all that we have.  In a moment it could all go away and I would rather know that I appreciated it when I had it then took it for granted before it was gone.

Create a moment of peace everyday for yourself, and focus on how grateful you truly are for what is around you.  I start with my family and don't be surprised if it makes you cry that just means that it is probably overdue the thanks you owe for the many gifts you have in your life.

The Ocean.

Since moving back to NYC for the second time and being taught all the many lessons here, there was a huge part of me that craved peace.  A peace that a bustling city can't give to you.  A inner peace that the noise and constant flow of people distracts you from.

On this particular day I got on a train.  I wasn't entirely sure where I was going but I knew I wanted to break away.  I transferred around the trains a few times and part of the intrigue was that I didn't always know where I was going but I knew I wasn't lost.  The trains shuffled me around and then I was above ground as the train made stops every few minutes.  When you get into the subway you feel like a sardine in a tuna can, your practically making out with the person next to you.  Then as you get further away from the city the people slowly dissipate and eventually you are the only one left.  The train took me to the very last stop, over an hour out of the city.

There it was.  Massive and beautiful and without having a map the inner compass brought me to it.  I stood on the edge as the cold waves reminded me that winter really didn't get its fair chance this year.  In this moment of peace I started to understand more clearly the journey I had been on and how simple life is outside of it.  I love what New York can do but I love the simple things more perhaps that's the Minnesota girl in me.  The sand was so warm and inviting and it took me about 2 miles along the coast barefoot to realize that hours had passed.  There was no concept of time in this place, it was just that peaceful and beautiful that you completely became it and didn't want it to go away.

We all know that sound, we can hear it even when we are nowhere close to the sea.  The crashing consistent waves and seagulls flying overhead.  The way the ocean makes you feel so small because nature is so massive and perfect.  At times the wind would pick up and create a sandstorm right in front of me, it looked like a desert.  I was covered in sand and rode the train back that way.  The ocean didn't want to let me go and I could have slept on the beach that day.  It was a perfect reminder to not get caught up in how massive NYC is and to always value the simple things in life.  This town is all man-made but the things I love in this world are not, they are real and mystical and offer such insight if you quiet yourself long enough to hear the answer.

N Y C

The saying goes if you can make it here you can make it anywhere.  Theres a reason someone said that and New York is totally different when you live here verse visiting.  Its also different when you move here by yourself.  The undercurrent of energy is completely intoxicating and before you know it your swimming in it.

The thing about this place is one its massive.  I mean you could walk and walk and get completely get lost within the concrete.  Second people are always on the go, they run really fast here.  Someone once told me something that has stuck with me he said " make sure you go at your own pace, you don't always have to keep up."  Talk to most New Yorkers and they will tell you this truth.  I was hardly here the first time so I didn't get it at first.  Now this second time I understand completely what they mean.  I didn't even know this but one day I was walking in SOHO and looked around me to find that we were all like a school of fish.  I dropped back and watched all the people continue on, HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN PART OF THE SCHOOL OF FISH without knowing? Going to the overall energy of those around me.  Now I know to go to my own beat and its amazing what new places I have found.  Its never wise to move too fast at anything, it will find you.

Its just the energy of 9 million people all on one island, that's something you can feel.  That's something I cant really describe, but you feel it when you fly into New York.  I feel it when I take one of many walks throughout the city.  I can feel it when I change neighborhoods but mostly the energy if not careful can take you and spit you out if it chooses.  This city is not the easiest to master, its loud and in your face.  It ignores you then sends you the biggest hug.  As the tides in the ocean change so does the flow within the city.  It gives you things all at once and then weeks will go by and I feel nothing from New York.  You have people passed out on the streets, you have woman on the Upper East wearing the most expensive fur.  You have the most massive buildings filled with banks and dripping with wealth surrounding you then I walk into my neighborhood and see the project's in the distance.  I mean you get the extremes in both directions here.  Its something you don't get in a day, or a month or 4 overtime you just start to see what this city can do to you.  What it can make out of you and also what it wont fake for you.

As of today I am still madly in love with New York.  It never stops feeding my curiosity and making me want to do and be better.  The learning curve here is unlike any other place in the whole world. I have my moments where I just don't get it but if this was all taken away from me I believe a small piece of myself would die of disappointment.  I'm glad I got to be here by myself, I'm glad I took a risk twice.  I regret nothing.

Theres a TIme for Everything

Its completely odd the curve balls this universe sometimes throws you.  You really need to be careful what it is you wish for, in due time it will come true.  Patience and persistence, an inner drive you can't really explain just to sometimes keep you above water.  When in reality you were always above the surface floating.  Your reality always seems the harshest, while in pursuit I think the biggest challenge is to think of the journey as the reward, Steve Jobs said that best.  Theres always room to improve and grow and unfortunately it doesn't happen overnight.  

Having an end goal in mind is key to keeping you moving.  If you didn't have an end thing that you wanted what would you have enough faith in to fight for.  No one ever talks about the hard times.  Its a pride thing.  It doesn't matter how deep the motivation is for doing something, at the end of the day we sometimes question what its all for.  

This past week I held my brothers daughter, she fell asleep in my arms.  I could of stayed there forever but I packed my things and left to go back to New York.  Every fiber of me asked, why leave love?  There is so much love in my family, why would I leave to go somewhere so cold?  What is it all for?  As an artist we all ask on some level these same questions.  Its a tiring game of explaining, pursuing and convincing and sometimes all you have at the end of the day is yourself (hence my song called Believer).  You have to keep it alive everyday.  Its how you make it through the bad stuff, trust me sometimes it straight up knocks me on my ass but its how you breathe life into it again that matters.  

http://soundcloud.com/daniandthemadmen10/a-believer

 "Every creative journey begins with a problem. It starts with a feeling of frustration, the dull ache of not being able to find the answer. When we tell one another stories about creativity, we tend to leave out this phase of the creative process. We neglect to mention those days when we wanted to quit, when we believed that our problems were impossible to solve. Instead, we skip straight to the bbreakthroughs. The danger of telling this narrative is that the feeling of frustration – the act of being stumped – is an essential part of the creative process. Before we can find the answer – before we probably even know the question – we must be immersed in disappointment, convinced that a solution is beyond our reach. It's often only at this point, after we've stopped searching for the answer, that the answer arrives. All of a sudden, the answer to the problem that seemed so daunting becomes incredibly obvious." --Jonah Lehrer, "The neuroscience of Bob Dylan's Genius"

Keep going and if you don't know, ask.