One Month In.

Theres clear differences between the coasts.  Its easy to see when you have spent time in both.  All places have differences, both have pros and both have cons. Depends on what you are looking for. The nature balance between pursuing art and finding an escape is definitely different in Cali.  The beach is in your back yard and there truly is something special about riding the boardwalk with a bike. Some have said Cali is the annoying little brother to New York City when it comes to creative enlightenment that I know can happen in both cities. I see creativity in both cities, I can love them both for what each offers and what each fails to offer.  When it comes to art anyway, location shouldn't matter all that much.

I live in infamous Venice Beach and if you have never visited I highly recommended it. It truly seems like a different world compared to other cities. Its weird, artsy and located right on the most perfect beach. Well a perfect beach in my opinion anyway. Its health conscious with a hippie approach to the world. Theres poverty and a whole street given to the homeless.  You feel both grateful for your life and saddened by the less fortunate that are all around you.  After awhile you just get used to it. Its a true problem.

You wake up with the sun and go to sleep at a decent hour. There is no New York minute here which is nice for a change. You recycle here which is excepted of you and not so much in New York. Its clean, very clean here. The list goes on and on but I will always love New York thats where I started and for that reason it will always have a piece of me.

Its an adjustment for sure, moving is always a stressful event. The more I do it, the less comfortable I feel which you would think would be opposite. I do feel healthier here in a way.  I appreciate things about both and think everyone should experience each of them.  When I look back Im excited that in my 20's I welcomed the adventure of 2 truly amazing cities.

Pacific

I can't say what it does
It's affect is magical.
As I look on to the pacific,
As the the moon kisses the tides,
I am taken.
I don't know how I am.
But away from you,
I am but a mess.
But suddenly all is ok
I go with the sound.
Am one with the roar
And the fury.
Suddenly life as I know it
Doesn't seem all that bad.
Because there is this beautiful thing
That I can not explain.
And life becomes good again.

Thank you.

I never said it was easy.  The adjustment to moving wears on routine and finding your place again, whatever that means.  It means different things for different people.  Finding your home, anything that feels like home.  Feeling like you have a place that's yours.  Feeling out of place in new adventures.  Not being bogged down with lack of consistancy.  It's hard sometimes, most times.  Moving is stressful and exciting.  I feel like I'm a pro always taking on new adventures that sound exciting but still come with downsides. I'm not a professional though, I feel stress.  I am way too familiar with lonilness and feeling like a fish out of water.  It's not glamorous, most days I miss my family.  I miss my idea of what home is and find it and seek it in new places.  I still know where home is and no other place compares to it.  But I can't go back now and that sucks sometimes.

I did give up a life of routine and what some would call consistancy.  I was a teacher then a Morgage broker and always felt unsettled.  I did have an awakening that forever changed my life.  Don't get me wrong I am grateful.  I am grateful for every road this life has offered to me.  As the days continue to pass and my life continues to offer new adventures I still am shocked that I was offered this ride.  That I recieved both challenging and rewarding changes that I embraced with a price of course.  That through my eyes I view life much differently.  Every so offen I say thank you to a journey that isn't complete yet.  I wonder if others do this or if it's just me.  If in a routine life, do they know what they have? Is it the life you have always wanted or did it take you for a ride? A ride I will never forget.

For the faces and places I have seen I am grateful.  For those who have put up with my journey both good and bad, I say thank you.  For always offering me challenges and risks.  For the good and the bad. For moments when I stop.  For moments I feel lost.  For moments when I wouldn't have it any other way.  I am thankful.  For the love of my family always teaching me that whereever this life takes me I always have a home. For the signs I have received along the way, for singing on New York stages.  For bringing me to LA. For the places I haven't been yet, I am grateful because I feel like I am living.  Living a life that always amazes me.

From Brooklyn to Venice Beach.

It was a decisions that had been weighing for a few weeks.  Wether I could give up New York and move to another creative city.  Was I done with the dog race that is New York? With all it's grit and rim.  With all it's magic and for me history.  The chapter of my life that changed me, forever.  It's a place not for everyone but it was mine and treated me well.  It does lack the balance of nature which is a part of me I can never ignore.  At least LA has a beach and a gorgeously spiritual one at that.  One that puts you in a meditative place where in New York I had to force myself to meditate. All choices, all decisions all keeping me up at night.  Regardless of what people think they know about me, although my decisions seem like they come out of no where it's something I weigh.  I'm a libra after all, must weigh all pros and cons. When I decide however, I have decided after many moons of should I or should I not.

I am a believer in opportunity and doors opening that only present themselves at moments in your life.  When the timing is right, when its supposed to.  You may never get this option again.  Keeping in mind your home base so if things fall apart you can come home. There is always home.  Be careful what you wish for however you might get doors that open that must be walked through.

It wasn't the easiest leaving and sometimes living in New York after almost 4 years. I cut my teeth and struggled for the entire time.  With small breaks of relief in between.  No one tells you how broke you might be.  How alone you might feel.  How lost moments affect you, how guilt of being away from family will be a hole in your heart that will never heal.  The upward climb, the downfall. The craziness. Ups and downs but fuck I loved it cause I felt like I was living and not settling. Growing and not dying a slow death.  Evolving not standing still. Learning about myself instead of avoiding my downfalls. This is part of the chaos. This is part of the story of when you break out of everything that is normal to you and conformed and create your own destiny.  Your own life.  Thank you New York for showing me this.

It was sad, I love New York for what it taught me.  How it grew me and made me see things about life.  It was an experience I will hold forever dear to my heart.  To my soul. It's not goodbye, it's see you soon. It took this small town girl and showed her the world.  A  world that opened my eyes to how short it is and how you should find out what you love.  Go against the norm and pave your way however hard it's worth it.

Here's to living and creating my second album on the boardwalk of Venice beach.  With sand between my toes and The Doors playing in the background. With artists showcasing their crafts and hints of  graffiti so I never feel too far away from where I started in the Lower East Side, Manhattan.

Heres to a new adventure in Los Angeles, California.

Cocaine.

We wanted an after party.
Deep into the streets.
Kids siting on a stoop,
Somewhere in Manhattan.
It was after 3.
He told me it's New York.
Let's just walk,
so we did.
It always looks like Film Noir.
That's what I love after midnight.
We walked up with some "models"
Didn't take long.
We mixed drinks,
And talked.
Hung out with strangers.
Then I saw powder.
As white as snow, but in lines.
On an iPad...
Separated in perfect symmetry.
Pupils dilated.
Jaw swinging like a swing set.
Suddenly we were at a party.
I didn't know what this meant.
Even the sight of it
made me feel, gross.
I had to leave.
Just to see it and watch others do it.
In 3 days I have seen 3 examples of it.

And I know it's still not for me.

So I left by myself.

Hide and Seek.

I felt I lost her.
Through the way of my aging hands
I thought she was gone.
Running down the streets under the golden sun.
Hair blonde as hay
Blue eyes that gave way to the sun.
The world stopped.
She was 2.
And a half.
10 minutes was too long.
But I knew she wouldn't couldn't possibly,
Walk down the street.
I would run for miles.
I yelled...
No answer.
I sensed the fate.
Our fate.
Your fate.
But you were hiding,
I would give my life if you went missing.
You were deep within a nook,
Hiding.
You were playing hide and seek
I was thinking you were lost.
Then I realized how much I have aged.
When I found you,
Hiding.

Who's living?

The 9 to 5ers. Keeping with the man and making money. The ones with the bonus, always an incentive. To keep you wanting. Then retirment comes maybe you're 60 or only just 40.  That paycheck and raise sure feels good though.  Not quite the boss but wotking towards something.  Dear god does a vacation in the middle of Januray sound nice. But are you even relaxed? It's a nice controlled life. Then a tragity, perhaps a death makes life ever so fragile and even more real.  Maybe it's cancer or a job layoff.   Either way the flatline feels more like a pulse.  Maybe you are living.  You will get married and have kids but still stay awake in the dead of the night sometimes wondering.  Always wondering, when it's quiet and when you are alone.  In your cat in the hat neiborhood with your perfect lawn and your name inscribed coffee mug.  Your perfect shelves stocked with your things at Walmart.  That you buy because it's what makes you comefortable.  It's a comforting life.
No matter the cost.  It's worth fighting for and paying for.  You get married and have kids. Raise kids which is a great joy. You find love in a hard place or get divorce which brings much understanding.

Then you have the dreamer.  The no sky's the limit seekers. The ones lost without a map. The ups and downs of constant personal strife.  The booze hits harder here, the reality of death is much too clear and often not a threat.  You feel everything here perhaps the world sometimes. There is no paycheck.  There is no god.  There is nothing but silence of nature and perhaps your art.  It is the loniliest place on earth.  No one comes to visit and family even turns away in lack of understanding.  You control nothing and wouldn't want it that way for life unfolds before the seeker. You have horrid delusions of depression and a disposition about life you think no one understands.  You are an artist.   Sculping away at your craft only unfolding before you.  And only you.  It's personal until you receive affirmations that what you sown has found a way.

Now tell me who's living?