Europa

And gradually she lost her fear, and he

Offered his breast for her virgin caresses,

His horns for her to wind with chains of flowers

Until the princess dared to mount his back

Her pet bull's back, unwitting whom she rode.

Then—slowly, slowly down the broad, dry beach—

First in the shallow waves the great god set

His spurious hooves, then sauntered further out

'til in the open sea he bore his prize

Fear filled her heart as, gazing back, she saw

The fast receding sands. Her right hand grasped

A horn, the other lent upon his back

Her fluttering tunic floated in the breeze.

Spring.

It was over. Like the way a snowfall happens in March when you think winter is over but it's not. The way it fools you. I know spring is coming and he always thought winter would stay. Now that's when we became different. You and I.  I always knew that and you didn't. Maybe that's when a change came because Sping was on us and we were having a bad day. It would pass and the birds would sing and the blossoms would bloom cause that's what spring does, if you only saw it. You wanted to stay in winter and for that I finally understood what would come of us. It never changed and you never saw Spring.

Drivers Seat.

Living in a creative city helps the juices flow. For sure you feel the spirits that still haunt a city. You can not not be inspired. I used to think that one needed to be in a city in order to be creative. Creativity lives in you either way. As my life has chosen different roads for me, I know this to be true.  My time in NYC was an education that money couldn't buy.  As the tide changed for me feeling like I was going to somehow fall off the creative train was a dooming thought that simply wasn't true.

I had a thought one day that I would never sing again and it pushed me into such sadness I knew I couldn't bare it. Sometimes a break isnt a bad thing but the process of what that meant has propelled me to continue to choose this dream.  It's not something you easily give up on. I remember what I learned and took away from that moment in time. It's a special part of what makes life so interesting.  I now what it took to end up in my small hometown again but the thing I wasn't gonna do is forget that. It's all a giant lesson and sometimes it feels unfair or stacked against you but if you continue to write and create then I know the creative city helped me but didn't become me. It was me along. It is you all along.

In that chapter of my life it was perfect and for this chapter it isn't. It's not to say that one day it won't happen again. For now the pressure is off and being true to myself will create even better art. Until the road changes again and who knows what that will bring. I am grateful for it all.  The good and the bad and the unknown future. I am a dreamer by nature and now I know it starts with me in the drivers seat continuing to make it happen. No one else will do that for you, so keep driving.

My Mother.

It's been a long road.
Mostly it has been good.
There have been times,
There are always times.
When we need a hand,
A look in the eye.
Just kindness.
Cause I'm not gonna break, you know.
Only she knows that.
I wish others knew that.
A mothers does.
And it changes you.
And you are better for it.
Changed because of her.
The single most important thing.
Just to have her.
And never let her go.
Or make her think you grew too fast.
You will be her baby forever.
She's the keeper.
My mother.

Something Beautiful.

The sun wasn't out much. When it did decide to show it was beautiful, and warm.  When you passed by there wasn't much, but snow.  I walked as I always do. It was white and it was something that stopped you. The way beauty has a way of doing.

The snow was melting, not a car in sight. As I walked I sought to see something beautiful. I would go for however long it took. I didn't care.

It was a bright blue day.  The suns brightness reflected the most glimmering light off the snow.  Entrapped by the smells of cold, my cheeks felt like rose petals. I felt I was alone and it was for the first time in a long time.  No traffic and no noise. I saw a snow storm coming our way and even though the wind pickup it remained a perfect mid January's day. The plants looked dead in color you still knew life grew around you. My breath was so vivid it fogged my sunglasses.  I could hear crunchy footsteps but no true direction on where the sound was coming from.

It was the most beautiful natural musical progression. The way the wind sung through certain trees.  Whistling and howling, deeping the sound and balance. Bouncing off of thick oak and twirling past the pines. Every so often a bird joined in.  This felt like a moment out of a Hemingway novel. It is something the whole body experiences. It stops you. Like the way new buds bloom in the Spring. When trees turn gold from the first frost in the Fall.  The way salt feels on your cheeks after wading in the ocean. The way the full moon cascades such a light you can see all its craters.

Being there and feeling like you are the only one.  The gravel road stretched out as far as I could see. A moment of silence in nature, now that's a beautiful thing.

The snow storm finally gave way and dropped perfect flakes from the sky.  Cold crystals fell onto my cheeks melting from the remaining warmth on my skin.  The sun was hidden from puffy dark clouds.  I turned around from the dirt road, passed the horses grazing in a wide open field. Felt the harsh wind pick up on my back.

My time was done I had found something beautiful all in a winters day.

Daring Greatly.

Recently I was recommended a book. Its funny how things find you when you are in need. Sometimes with lack of understanding or loss of expression there comes along something that assists you.  I have always found this to be true. The book has become very popular as of late and although Im not a fan of self help books, this one has changed my mind. Its called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I was a skeptic, hiding the title of the book in public. Hiding it in general because I cared that people might think I needed help.  As I continued my book hiding I was doing the exact thing the book is against. I was in fear and shame, in lack of vulnerability.  In captive to the thoughts and perceptions of people around me.  I continued reading. I have been running for 4 years and it never occurred to me how guarded New York made and how through art I have become resistant to vulnerability. When you share something to the public like in my case a full album, the thoughts of what people would think always haunted me.  Was it good enough? Do people understand my lyrics? Am I good enough?Through expression and becoming an artist I have learned how vulnerable it can be to release something into the world and have little to no perceived impact. I am also new at this my journey of serious pursuing artist started almost 5 years ago.  I should write a book about all the many ups and downs comes from that journey alone.  Either way its a book that will change you especially if you have gotten off course. Its also the admitting of that very fact that has started a process for me.

Im not hiding the book anymore. Through it I am learning.  Sometimes things find you in your deepest of need. Coming from a place where we don't really talk about feelings and to see someone struggle where I am from isn't encouraged because its something we don't really talk about. Even though we all have fears, we all share in shame and lack of the true meaning of vulnerability.  A word I feel released from.  The thing about my journey is that most of my worth was coming from approval of others and the art I was putting out into the world. A lonely world. This doesn't just effect me but it could be transcend to being a mother, getting promoted at work, leaving a relationship.  Its an ache that makes it feel even more lonely.  We don't like talking about the hard stuff but its the not talking that can make things feel even more trapped.  We forget we are so much more. More then the perceived shortcomings. The "stuck" feeling is perhaps a misunderstanding of our true accomplishments.  The things my family doesn't see because I didn't share enough or don't tell my true feelings because of the lack of empathy.  Sometimes empathy is only shown when we can relate but I think if you truly love someone the relating is unnecessary. Its offering an ear, a shoulder, a connection that doesn't need the relating part. Its being heard, really heard. Its a not an easy realization because I wonder how long have I let this slide by. The most powerful thing now is that one can always change.  Without acknowledgment change cannot come.

This journey never had a map. Its a fact that has taken me years to get used to. Its the not knowing that festers fear and doubt.  The impatience that spins me out of control at times. With the help that seems to find me, instead of living in shame and the not good enough I am learning what truly defines who I am.  Its having courage and sensitivity to express your gift and appreciate the gift in others. Im not saying I woke up and in one day my perception changed but its a journey worth committing myself to. Also just being there without judgment but with empathy.

 I think as I become older, the mystic of childhood rubs off. I become a woman and miss when I remember being a child that knew no better.  Its scary out there, sometimes. That hasn't stopped me and I hope even though we aren't kids anymore that we still hold onto imagination and curiosity to find answers to life's most daring of questions. I always remember my time is short here and I would like to know that at least I looked fear in the eye. At least I knew what it was like to soar on the edge of the world, or what felt like the edge to me. That I lost, I failed, I cried, I felt crazy at times, I shared, I expressed and I had courage to be vulnerable in my experience.

 I hope today you find out what that means for you.

One Month In.

Theres clear differences between the coasts.  Its easy to see when you have spent time in both.  All places have differences, both have pros and both have cons. Depends on what you are looking for. The nature balance between pursuing art and finding an escape is definitely different in Cali.  The beach is in your back yard and there truly is something special about riding the boardwalk with a bike. Some have said Cali is the annoying little brother to New York City when it comes to creative enlightenment that I know can happen in both cities. I see creativity in both cities, I can love them both for what each offers and what each fails to offer.  When it comes to art anyway, location shouldn't matter all that much.

I live in infamous Venice Beach and if you have never visited I highly recommended it. It truly seems like a different world compared to other cities. Its weird, artsy and located right on the most perfect beach. Well a perfect beach in my opinion anyway. Its health conscious with a hippie approach to the world. Theres poverty and a whole street given to the homeless.  You feel both grateful for your life and saddened by the less fortunate that are all around you.  After awhile you just get used to it. Its a true problem.

You wake up with the sun and go to sleep at a decent hour. There is no New York minute here which is nice for a change. You recycle here which is excepted of you and not so much in New York. Its clean, very clean here. The list goes on and on but I will always love New York thats where I started and for that reason it will always have a piece of me.

Its an adjustment for sure, moving is always a stressful event. The more I do it, the less comfortable I feel which you would think would be opposite. I do feel healthier here in a way.  I appreciate things about both and think everyone should experience each of them.  When I look back Im excited that in my 20's I welcomed the adventure of 2 truly amazing cities.